Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the Pope won, they would have to leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi Moshe, to represent them in the debate. However, as Moshe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moshe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moshe looked back and raised one finger. Next the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moshe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. Rabbi Moshe pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moshe was too clever and that the Jews could stay.
Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I could not continue."
Meanwhile the Jewish community were gathered around Rabbi Moshe. "How did you win the debate?" they asked. "I haven't a clue," said Moshe. "First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I said to him, ‘up yours!’ Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, we're staying right here." "And then what," asked a woman. "Who knows?" said Moshe, "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."
Joke
07.25.08 (1:05 am) [edit]Do you know what's the smartest thing to ever come out of a woman's mouth?
Einstein's cock.
Love,
Dougie
(You know it's good when even *I* am almost offended)
Another Joke
05.16.08 (9:47 am) [edit]Three Englishmen are drinking together and decide they want to pick a fight with someone. They notice an Irishman by himself at a table and they walk up to him.
The first Englishman says, "Hey, Irishman, did you know that St. Patrick was a queer?"
"Is that so?", says the Irishman, and goes back to his drink.
The second Englishman says, "Hey, Irishman, did you know that St. Patrick was a pedophile?"
The Irishman looks up. "Oh really?" And goes back to his drink, ignoring the men.
The third Englishman says, "I know how to handle this tosser. Hey, Irishman, did you know that St. Patrick was actually an Englishman?"
The Irishman looks up and says, "Yeah, that's what your two mates here were just tellin' me."
Joke
04.10.08 (2:30 pm) [edit]For his birthday, a little boy asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
"Son, we'd love to give you one," his father said, "but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your Mom just lost her job. There is just no way we can afford to give you a bike in our current situation.
The next day, the father saw the little boy heading out the front door with a suitcase in his hand.
He said to the boy, "Son, where are you going?"
"Well," said the boy, "I was going to get a drink of water last night and when I walked past the bedroom door I heard you tell Mom that you were pulling out, then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.
I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!"
Fuckin' Heroes
04.01.08 (8:09 pm) [edit]I saw Doug Stanhope for the second time Sunday night. I've got all the albums and a pile of bootlegs, but this was easily one of his finest performances.
You will be hard pressed to find a more vile and offensive comedian than Stanhope, but you'll also find few so willing to tackle the bullshit of polite society head on with such a breathtaking instinctive command of the fucking truth.
And of course, he's a sick fuck.
The best part of this show was his constant referring to a guy in the audience who is dying of melanoma at age 59. Less than a year to go. Doug was VICIOUS, and funny as fuck, and the old guy was playing right along. They ended up doing shots of scotch and whippets together onstage.
The old guy's daughter was with him. I can't remember exactly how this was set up (I couldn't see everything, and I was on my fourth beer) but apparently somebody offered a whippet to the guy's daughter and she didn't take it. Doug shot back with "Yeah, like that would be the first time your father shot some sticky white shit down your throat."
I like his approach to politics now that he had to abandon his own campaign as the Libertarian candidate for President. I agree - I'd like to see Obama take it if only because he's going to be the least annoying one of the three left to watch on TV.
I went to the bar next door afterwards and hung out for a while. I said hi to him and gave him a story I thought he'd appreciate - this is the guy who talks on stage about being blown by transvestite hookers and shoving vibrating eggs in his ass, so I had to tell him about an opportunity I was offered a couple days ago that hopefully will happen soon. And that's all I'm saying about THAT.
Go see him if you get the chance. He's as good now as he's ever been.
Love,
Dougie
I'm Not Anonymous, But...
03.15.08 (1:49 am) [edit]Go do a search for "anonymous" and "Scientology".
Whether you agree with their methodology or not, it's hard for a rational person not to take pleasure in the efforts of Anonymous.
I fucking hate religion as a rule, but Scientology is evil on a level few could dream of outside of the stupid sci-fi books their asshole founder wrote.
Fuck L. Ron Hubbard and all of his clones. This March 15, tip yer hat to Anonymous.
Love,
Dougie
If'n Ya Wanna Hear Some Toons
03.04.08 (11:42 pm) [edit]My new Myspace page (the old one's still active too)
www.myspace.com/dougbouchermusic
The music there will rotate fairly often. Enjoy!
Love,
Dougie
Buy My Breakfast!
02.29.08 (5:21 pm) [edit]http://cgi.ebay.com/The-Virgin-Mary-Omele tte_W0QQitemZ110229186410 QQihZ001QQcategoryZ13771Q QssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQc mdZViewItem Rent's due! Dougie
Remembering Bill Hicks
02.26.08 (9:14 pm) [edit]Fourteen years ago today, one of my favorite people left us.
RIP, BIll.
Love,
Dougie
Cute Little Farts
02.17.08 (10:07 pm) [edit]Katie (who now prefers to be called Kat) is staying with me tonight since she doesn't have school tomorrow.
She released an unbelievable fart today. The kind of fart Al Gore would make a movie about. Right in my face.
My kid rocks.
Love,
Dougie
Joke
02.08.08 (7:39 pm) [edit]A man dies and goes to Hell. The Devil meets him at the gates and says "There are 3 rooms here and you can choose which one you want to spend eternity in".
The Devil takes him to the first room where there are people hanging from the walls by their wrists and obviously in agony.
The Devil takes him to the second room where the people are being whipped with metal chains.
The Devil then opens the third door, and the man looks inside and sees a group of people, up to their waists in shit, but they're drinking cups of tea.
The man quickly chooses the last room. He goes into the third room, and gets his cup of tea. Just then the Devil walks back in and says "Tea break's over, back on your heads!"
Love,
Dougie
More Than A Fuckin' Feeling
01.17.08 (1:45 pm) [edit]My stats show that somebody punched this into Google anmd hit my blog:
scholz is a faggot that likes to suck dick
I think that's goddamn hilarious. Unfortunately, it's also making me kinda miss a cute little waitress who shares a name with a goddamn Boston song that is now STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fuck Tom Scholz,
Dougie
Word Of The Week
12.30.07 (12:02 pm) [edit]Assbagel
One of my students used that yesterday, and I nearly shit myself laughing.
Love,
Dougie
Diary Of A Snow Shoveler
12.22.07 (10:17 am) [edit]DECEMBER 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge, soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
DECEMBER 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
DECEMBER 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.
DECEMBER 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
DECEMBER 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
DECEMBER 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour which, I think, was very cruel.
DECEMBER 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
DECEMBER 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
DECEMBER 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob, who has a plow on his truck, for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.
DECEMBER 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she
did, but I think she's lying.
DECEMBER 24: 6" more Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.
DECEMBER 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the @#%&*$@#%&*# ; slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a
donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.
DECEMBER 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
DECEMBER 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.
DECEMBER 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me Crazy!!!!!
DECEMBER 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
DECEMBER 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.
DECEMBER 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
JANUARY 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
Blarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
12.15.07 (2:34 am) [edit]<object width="425" height="355"> ;<param name="movie" value=";http://www.youtube.com/v/vDTI...;rel=1"></para m><param name="wmode" value="transparent&q uot;></param>< ;embed xsrc=";http://www.youtube.com/v/vDTI...;rel=1" type="application/x- shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent&q uot; width="425" height="355"> ;</embed></objec t>
David Lynch directs Rammstein. I know this shit is supposed to be scary, but it makes ME laugh my nutsack off.
Dougie
Congratulations Are In Order...
11.26.07 (2:21 pm) [edit]Most of you who know me also know my ex-wife Sheryl, who also blogs sometimes here at tblog. Well, go over and send her some good wishes - she's engaged again. I'm very happy for her.
Good luck, Sheryl! :)
Love,
Doug
Guitar players think of the damndest things...
11.25.07 (12:59 pm) [edit]
Ever work with someone who you just know is going to pull some shit out of his ass that will surprise the fuck out of you, only to get a REALLY big surprise? I like Andy a lot. Of course, then I think, oh fuck, what NOW??? I think I do a reasonably good John Entwistle, though...
Doug
And You Thought *I* Drank A Lot....
11.22.07 (6:40 pm) [edit]http://blogs.telegraph.co.uk/society/bryonygordon/n ov07/nowforsomefencesex.htm" title="http://blogs.telegraph.co.uk/society/bryonygordon/n ov07/nowforsomefencesex.htm" target="_blank"http://blogs.telegraph.co.uk/...
Beware Of Chimp
11.04.07 (12:34 pm) [edit]Checking my stats, I see somebody his this blog doing a Google search for
cornhole monkey
Be scared, folks...
Love,
Dougie
