Splendid Isolation
04.27.05 (11:53 pm) [edit]A little Warren Zevon for ya:
I want to live alone in the desert
I want to be like Georgia O'Keefe
I want to live on the Upper East Side
And never go down in the street
Splendid Isolation
I don't need no one
Splendid Isolation
Michael Jackson in Disneyland
Don't have to share it with nobody else
Lock the gates, Goofy, take my hand
And lead me through the World of Self
Splendid Isolation
I don't need no one
Splendid Isolation
Don't want to wake up with no one beside me
Don't want to take up with nobody new
Don't want nobody coming by without calling first
Don't want nothing to do with you
I'm putting tinfoil up on the windows
Lying down in the dark to dream
I don't want to see their faces
I don't want to hear them scream
Splendid Isolation
I don't need no one
Splendid Isolation
Ahh, morning
04.24.05 (9:06 am) [edit]Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu uuuuuuuuuuuuuu
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uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu uuuuuuuuuuuuuu
uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu uuuuuuuuuuuuuu
uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu uuuuuuuuuuuuuu
uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu uuuuuuuuuuuuuu
uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu uuuuuuuuuuuuuu
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uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu uuuuuuuuuuuuuu
uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu ck.
There, I feel so much better now!
Dougie
Jesus Loves The Little Douchebags...
04.21.05 (8:30 pm) [edit]Is it just me, or do all the Jesus freaks come out of the woodwork wehn you're going through a personal crisis?
Everywhere I go, people are telling me about God. My relatives tell me God loves me. People at the library say "God is there for you." Shit, a guy who was trying to rent me an apartment today told me that Jesus was "the answer." You know, I'll pay the extra rent not to have to listen to that shit. Next! All I said was "I'm going through a divorce" and suddenly everyone morphs into fucking Falwell.
Why is it everyone is into God when "life's problems" are an issue? You don't hear 'em talking 'bout no Jesus when they're getting pussy. Well, maybe at the end of it. Oh God! Oh God! Oh, sweet Jeeeeezus! Until then, they're just trying to get it in there. I'm sure they're nice people and mean well, but I'm really sick of hearing it.
And you know what? I don't give a hairy sideways FUCK about God right now, except that everyone keeps bringing the asshole up and now I'm stuck with him in my head. He's singing Phil Collins songs at me, trying to make me drive off the road. Cocksucker. Go away!
See, I learned something back when I was a kid, and I had true problems, true spiritual tribulations. You know, like when I didn't get enough allowance money to buy a Phil Collins album. (Oh shit!) Or when the girl with the hot legs in Physics class wouldn't fuck me because Jesus told her I was a sinner. Or when I suddenly realized that I was driving a Chevette. Oh God! Come to me in my time of need! I accept your everlasting love!
Now when I was going through these horrible soul-crushing experiences, I learned that turning to God isn't such a good idea. Why, you may or may not ask? Becuase HE DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT. Maybe even because HE ISN'T THERE. Let's see, Teresa the hot little girl in class won't blow me, I pray about it. No answer. Guy in India sees a giant wall of water coming straight at him. He prays about it. Really quick-like. Wall of water hits him in face, no fuckin' answer. Hmmm...
If brown people getting blasted to Allah and back overseas because they didn't actually have WMDs aren't getting their prayers answered, if mothers who watch their children die in Sudan aren't getting THEIR prayers answered, if the Democratic Party just got a letter from Christ Himself saying "You've gotta be fuckin' kidding me", then why the fuck am *I* going to waste my time talking to NOBODT because *I* am an incompetent excuse for a husband?
"Gee, God. I spent most my time in the basement, I had nothing of any use to say to her when she told me her own problems, I expected her to listen to every stupid inconsequential thing I pulled out of my ass when she was trying to watch TV, I cost her too much money and I became a lazy, complacent shit who spent more time worrying about my shortcomings and failings than doing a fucking thing about any of it. Can you help me?"
"Sure, Doug. GO FUCK YOURSELF. I've got Bush on the other line, don't call back, asshole."
That's a God I'll believe in. The one everyone else is telling me about is a pussy.
Dougie
------
Later...
I just read about the fascinating event in Chicago, where people are seeing the Virgin Mary on a water stain on an underpass.
I'll repeat that.
People are seeing Jesus's mom on a fucking WATER STAIN in CHICAGO.
One woman said that "I've never felt something so deep in my heart." Wow, doesn't go out much, does she? Here's a person who must have been thrilled to the core to find out that Ryan Seacrest got his own star on the Hollywood Walk Of Fame.
If you are having your "faith renewed" by a WATER STAIN, you really need to start worshipping Satan, you douchebags.
Love,
Dougie
Conversation With A Three-Year Old
04.18.05 (8:45 pm) [edit]I drew Katie a picture today, laying in the grass at a park near her, with ducks in a small pond next to me, quacking as the yuppies fed them bread. It was a picture of her collecting flowers in our friend Bill's yard, which she did yesterday. It was the best time we've had since I came back, and I'm lucky to have a friend like Bill who would have a place for this to happen. (And for me to stay for a while.) His yard is great, wildflowers everywhere. I took the picture to her tonight, and we spent a little time together while Mommy painted the back door.
"You look sad, Daddy."
"'i am still sad, though I am very happy to be with you right now."
"If we talk about the sadness, it'll make the sadness go away."
"Oh honey, you're so right. It might take a while to go away, but you are right."
"I know."
"I'm still sad because even though I get to see you sometimes, I don't get to be with you every day. I want to be with you every day and I can't. That makes me sad."
"But you're still a great dad."
That's when I started to cry.
She's unbelievable. I want to be more like her. Watching her dance and play in the yard with the flowers, I need to be more like that. We all do.
Dougie
Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life
04.16.05 (6:52 pm) [edit]I've felt more or less like dogfuck today, and listening to Eric Idle sing this song (over and over again, as I play and sing along until I start to actually believe in it) has finally helped me feel better. OK, a couple shots of rum and lemon juice didn't hurt.
Want to know how much of an asshole you are? Get married. You'll learn real fast. Looking over the past five years, I see mostly my own bullshit, my own failure, my own selfishness and insecurity, and my own capacity to do stupid shit even though I know better. And I can't go back and fix it. My marriage didn't fail because my parents fucked me up as a child, though they did. My marriage didn't fail because I've been sick and scared and unable to deal with my own shortcomings fo the past five years. Though that's true too. It failed because I let it fail, I even MADE it fail. There's a very self-destructive part of me that went into overdrive the second I decided to stay with Sheryl instead of whatever other options there were at the time, and she was the one who had to pay for it by putting up with my crap for the past five years. I could say "Well, at least I didn't do this, or I wasn't this bad, or that bad, or whatever..." but it doesn't mean a fucking thing. I fucked up. Period. I wasn't the worst husband ever, but I wasn't any good at it either.
I have no one to blame but myself, and no reason to question my wife's decision to jettison my ass like a big pile of wretched garbage. Well, she's been better to me than that. And she always has been, but I didn't return the favor.
This line has been in my head for two weeks, and will eventually (hopefully) make it into a song:
Fondly remembering the good times you had
With the people you had to shit on to get to where you are
I fucked up. Don't try to whitewash that. *I* did this.
But what the fuck do I do? I can't sit here and be as goddamn depressed as I've been all day today. Hey, asshole? It won't work. I doubt she'll ever have any good reason to fully trust me again, but I'll try to do something to help out, and I'll mostly try to honor our commitment to our daughter. I think I can do that. I'm a shitty excuse for a husband, but I'd like to think i'm a reasonable excuse for a father. Well, running across the country and back wasn't exactly the most brilliant thing I've ever done towards solidifying my relationship with Katie, but it was 15 days. I think I can fix that.
I'm more or less fucked for a while, but it beats being too comfortable, which I've been all my life. I went from living with my parents to living with Sheryl, and I knew that wasn't the best course for my own growth, but I did it anyway. I've always had someone else to rely on for the basic shit. You know, food, water, beds. Shit like that. I've never done it myself. And it's made me nearly worthless, because I've never done a goddamn thing about it. It makes you lazy. I never wanted that, but I let it happen anyway, and now I have to figure out how to do this shit on my own. I am happy about this in one respect, becasue I need it, and scared shitless in another, because I really have no confidence whatsover in my ability to hold my shit together. Jesus H. Fuck in a basket, I just turned 35 and I put my first deposit down on an apartment TODAY. I just turned 35 and I'm a goddamn bagger in a grocery store. I just turned 35 and my wife left me, my daughter looks at me like she's not sure who I am, and I'm still getting lectures from my father about health insurance. FUCK.
However...
Some things in life are bad
They can really make you mad
Other things just make you swear and curse.
When you're chewing on life's gristle
Don't grumble, give a whistle
And this'll help things turn out for the best...
And...always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the light side of life...
If life seems jolly rotten
There's something you've forgotten
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
When you're feeling in the dumps
Don't be silly chumps
Just purse your lips and whistle - that's the thing.
And...always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the light side of life...
For life is quite absurd
And death's the final word
You must always face the curtain with a bow.
Forget about your sin - give the audience a grin
Enjoy it - it's your last chance anyhow.
So always look on the bright side of death
Just before you draw your terminal breath
Life's a piece of shit
When you look at it
Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true.
You'll see it's all a show
Keep 'em laughing as you go
Just remember that the last laugh is on you.
And always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the right side of life...
Other side of the coin, bitch. I'll try to keep it in mind.
Dougie
Watching The Wheels
04.08.05 (12:09 pm) [edit]Heading back home. Living on Tulsa time right now, I'll be in St. Louis tonight and Cincy tomorrow. I'll detail this long strange trip later, but I've been thinking a lot about the goods and bads of all this. The only bad thing in going away was being away from Katie, but that's what has sent me back, and now I'm going to be near her again, though I'll have a very different existence. I'm looking for something very basic, away from the dull picket-fence lifestyle I've been at all my life, which has nearly killed my creativity. It's a terrible place for me. Other people want it, it seems to be the ideal for everyone else around me. I don't begrudge them that if that's what they want. But I can't do it, and I'm glad, fucking GLAD that I've been forced into this situation.
I'm hoping I can regain some kind of focus and get back to where I thought I was 5 years ago, about to jump headfirst into a new path, but choosing this other one instead. It was good I chose it, I got to be with Sheryl for a time, and I have an incredible daughter who I love more than enough to stay in the Midwest for (though I'm really missing that ocean and I wish she could be there with me) but I have to let it go now. Katie I can't let go of, the "safety/security/stabilit y" life I need to rid myself of. For my sanity. I was learning to like it far too much, and I'll never achieve what I feel I'm here to if I stay in that world. When I'm old, great. But I'm not. I'm 35 (bloody peasant!) and I have to live for a while.
This song tore me apart when I was 11 yars old, just thinking about John Lennon's horrible end. Now it means something new to me, something a bit different than what John mut have meant, but it fits me well nd I've been listening to it a lot the past couple days.
People say I'm crazy doing what I'm doing
Well they give me all kinds of warnings to save me from ruin
When I say that I'm o.k. well they look at me kind of strange
Surely you're not happy now you no longer play the game
People say I'm lazy dreaming my life away
Well they give me all kinds of advice designed to enlighten me
When I tell them that I'm doing fine watching shadows on the wall
Don't you miss the big time boy you're no longer on the ball
I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round
I really love to watch them roll
No longer riding on the merry-go-round
I just had to let it go
Ah, people asking questions lost in confusion
Well I tell them there's no problem, only solutions
Well they shake their heads and they look at me as if I've lost my mind
I tell them there's no hurry
I'm just sitting here doing time
I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round
I really love to watch them roll
No longer riding on the merry-go-round
I just had to let it go
I just had to let it go
I just had to let it go
Dougie