Amused To Death
04.26.07 (11:52 pm) [edit]
Doctor Doctor what is wrong with me
This supermarket life is getting long
What is the half life of a colour TV
What is the shelf life of a teenage queen
Ooh western woman
Ooh western girl
News hound sniffs the air
When Jessica Hahn goes down
He latches on to that symbol
Of detachment
Attracted by the peeling away of feeling
The celebrity of the abused shell the belle
Ooh western woman
Ooh western girl
And the children of Melrose
Strut their stuff
Is absolute zero cold enough
And out in the valley warm and clean
The little ones sit by their TV screens
No thoughts to think
No tears to cry
All sucked dry
Down to the very last breath
Bartender what is wrong with me
Why am I so out of breath
The captain said excuse me ma'am
This species has amused itself to death
Amused itself to death
Amused itself to death
We watched the tragedy unfold
We did as we were told
We bought and sold
It was the greatest show on earth
But then it was over
We ohhed and aahed
We drove our racing cars
We ate our last few jars of caviar
And somewhere out there in the stars
A keen-eyed look-out
Spied a flickering light
Our last hurrah
And when they found our shadows
Grouped around the TV sets
They ran down every lead
They repeated every test
They checked out all the data on their lists
And then the alien anthropologists
Admitted they were still perplexed
But on eliminating every other reason
For our sad demise
They logged the only explanation left
This species has amused itself to death
No tears to cry no feelings left
This species has amused itself to death
- Roger Waters
An Observation
04.23.07 (6:36 pm) [edit]Being Orally Serviced in a park full of ancient Indian earthworks is...well, my kinda idea for a way to spend the hour after lunch.
Damn, I like D a LOT.
Love,
Dougie
A WOMAN sent me this....
04.23.07 (12:12 am) [edit]
And I want to eat her pussy...
50 mistakes women make when it comes to men and sex
1. Assuming he can get a raging hard on when it suits you. Contrary to popular belief, men can't just flip a switch and get it up because you decided to stop being a frigid bitch. Getting it hard is your job. I suggest you figure it out.
2. Thinking that kissing needs to be this sweet romantic thing all the time. Sometimes pressing your lips against your partners mouth while you get off is the hot. It depends on the situation.
3. Leaving him responsible for your orgasm. You know what gets you off. Tell him. If you don't, it's your own fault when he's snoozing and you're all wound up.
4. Expecting him to cuddle. Men and women are wired differently. Sex makes most women want to talk and bond and all that shit. It makes men pass out. It's a biological thing. Stop fighting it, and stop holding it over his head, it's not his fault.
5. Expecting him to fall asleep with you in his arms. That shit is uncomfortable after awhile. A little snuggling isn't unreasonable, but when it's time to actually sleep? An arm draped over you should suffice.
6. Expecting him to always lay on the charm and romance. Sometimes, that's nice. Sometimes. But expecting him to be all roses and candles all the time is like expecting you to act like a pornstar all the time. If you're not willing to do that, don't expect him to switch for you.
7. Being selfish in bed. Regardless of the shit that Cosmo forces down our throats, sex is NOT just about us. Get over it.
8. Using random magazines as a sex bible. I dont know who comes up with half that shit, but I'm pretty sure they need counseling.
9. Whining when he pushes your head down on his cock instead of stroking your hair. Know why he's pushing, skippy? Because you aren't doing it right, and have apparently ignored the other clues he's given you. Pay attention to the signals that he's sending you.
10. Not moving at all. Missionary is not an excuse to do nothing.
11. Expecting him to undress himself with any amount of grace. He's about to get some pussy. Be glad he bothered to take his pants all the way off. If it concerns you so much, undress him yourself.
12. Not shaving your legs. Im pretty bad at this myself. But if you want your guy stubble free, you better get out the razor.
13. Allowing your crotch to resemble the amazon. Yes, waxing hurts. Yes, some people don't want to go bare. Thats fine. If you like bush, great. If you have sensitive skin and can't shave, I feel for you. But for the love of Christ, trim that shit if you want him to spend any time down there.
14. Assuming that sex means a relationship. The only relationship you have is that he has now stuck his hoo hoo dilly in your cha cha. That's as far as it goes unless otherwise noted.
15. Withholding oral sex just because you're ragging. He didn't do it. Unless you want him to withhold oral sex because he's hormonal, I suggest you get some kneepads.
16. Expecting him to figure out what you like by what noise you make. Use your words. Have you ever actually heard what you sound like while you're having sex? If you heard yourself on tape, and someone asked you to explain what was causing you to make that noise, 67% of women would respond with answers like "I stubbed my toe" "I ran up the steps" or "I was putting up drywall".
17. Leaving condoms up to him. If you're sexually active and insist that he uses a condom, I suggest buying a box and keeping it by your bed. Not all men keep them on them, and it's just as much your responsibility as it is his. If you think that makes you a slut, you shouldn't be having sex anyway. Go back to Jr High.
18. Getting your undies in a bunch when he talks dirty. A little fantasy can be fun. If he treats you with respect all the time, you shouldn't be offended when he calls you his dirty little slut. When he calls you a whore and tells you to come, its his way of showing that he cares if you get off. Stop being a sissy.
19. Refusing to be spontaneous. I know this is shocking, but sometimes sex OUTSIDE of the bedroom is fun.
20. Dissing quickies because it's not some slow sensual ordeal. Sex is a dynamic thing. Theres an awesome raw energy when you only have 20 minutes but having to have someone so bad that you do it half clothed against the wall. Readjust your thinking.
21. Being too much of a pussy to tell him what is or isn't acceptable before you start bumping uglies. Be honest. If he asks if he can poke you in the butt, and you giggle and say no like it's an invitation, don't look surprised when he "accidentally" sticks his cock in your butt.
22. Expecting him to undress you. I put a bra on almost every day. I know for a fact that getting them off isn't always easy. Help a brother out.
23. Undressing in the dark. If youre shy, dim the lights, but give the man something to see. No ripping off the clothes and diving under the covers, either.
24. Refusing to get on top. Theres no reason men should have to do all the work.
25. Getting that bored look on your face. Men are more visual than women. Give him something to look at. Get on top and arch your back a little bit. Move. Do something to indicate that you 1) are not dead and 2) didn't suffer a minor stroke rendering you unable to move.
26. Expecting him to do all the touching when you're riding him. It's your body, you're used to it. Play with your tits, rub your clit, do something to make his job easier.
27. Being too afraid to guide your partner's hand when hes touching you. Don't like the way he's doing it? Gently take his hand and show him how you like it.
28. Getting into bed, getting naked, fooling around and then deciding that you just want to cuddle, then getting offended when he doesn't. Its your choice to stop, but don't look all fucking surprised when he's confused. You got him naked in your bed, what else did you think was going to happen?
29. Refusing to let him take control. So your a feminist. Big fucking deal. Letting him call the shots doesn't make you any less of one.
30. Refusing to take control. Its ok to crawl across a bed to him on all fours, push him down and crawl on top. It's not his responsibility to start things all the time.
31. Forgetting that he has a body that likes to be touched, too. Men have things like backs and shoulders and stomachs and other parts that are fun to kiss and touch. You miss a lot of good places by concentrating solely on his penis.
32. Ignoring his balls. Seriously, they are there. Kiss them, lick them, suck on them, make a relationship with them, just don't ignore them.
33. Leaving him to his own devices. Nothing is worse than a girl who gets you most of the way off and then bolts because she doesn't want to deal with the mess.
34. Launching into some speech about not being an object for sex when he tries to titty fuck you. Jesus Christ, just push them together and enjoy yourself. You get a great view.
35. Expecting him to handle you like a porcelain doll. I'd hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you're not going to break, sister. So doing it against the wall gives you a bruise on your shoulder. Look at it later and giggle at the memory.
36. Refusing to try things in the name of "making love". You're not making anything. You are naked. With another person. Making strange faces and weird noises. Stop romanticizing it.
37. Taking things way too seriously. Sex is funny. Actually it's hilarious. Somewhere along the line, someone is going to fall off of a bed, hit their head on a lighting fixture, accidentally kick a midget or trip over a goat. It's how you deal with it that really matters.
38. Throwing a bitch fit when he asks for a 3 some. Its the American dream. (I know my ex is reading this right now, so a quick interjection. One request for a 3 some is ok. Every 5 minutes, not so much. Know the difference).
39. Continuing a blow job knowing that you have god awful cotton mouth. Really. Grab a bottle of water.
40. Nails. Its one thing tracing them up and down your partners back. Its another when you snag the goods with a claw.
41. Bitching when you get jizz on you. You're having sex. That will happen. Thats the entire point of sex. Establish where he can and cant jizz and be done with it. Remember, it tightens the pores.
42. Not making any noises at all. Moan. Scream his name. Something so he knows he's the best you've had, even if he isn't.
43. Faking orgasms. Just. Don't. By faking (IF he believes you) he thinks he's doing everything right. And if he doesn't know its not working, he's not going to change it. Starting a vicious cycle of unfulfilling sex which will eventually be very damaging to his ego.
44. Not washing before sex. I know that sex is spontaneous, this is more of a general statement. If you haven't showered that day, and things smell a little...fishy...perhaps demanding oral sex is a little ridiculous of you.
45. Anything that involves inserting anything into his body that he has not specifically approved before hand. I don't care what Cosmo says, some things are simply not pleasant surprises.
46. Refusing to use oils/whipped cream/other messy but fun things because you have 541510630 count Egyptian cotton sheets that were made by hand by the only person alive capable of sewing that pattern. They'll wash.
47. Doing all of your before bed things before sex. Yes, sleeping with makeup on is bad. Now is not the time to remove it, you can do that later. And really fucking you with your hair in a ratty scrunchie with acne cream on your nose is not all its cracked up to be.
48. Cleaning up after sex. Wiping the splooge off is one thing. But changing the sheets immediately so you can get the other ones in the washer and then sanitizing everything your naked body might have possibly passed by is not the way to do it.
49. Making a big deal out of it if he loses his hard on. This is not an interrogation, or 20 questions. It happens, he's probably mortified and you are NOT helping. Refrain from using phrases like "it happens to every guy". Just move to other activities until it gets hard again, and if it doesn't, get off another way with him. He's still capable of getting you off. Mumbling "Forget it" and rolling over are not ok.
50. Asking questions right afterwards. The woman equivalent of "was it good for you?". Now is not a good time to ask "What this means". Right now, it means he probably needs to take a drink, a leak and a nap, perhaps not in that order.
That is all.
Looking For Love In All The Wrong Roadside Rest Areas
04.22.07 (4:53 pm) [edit]Anyone who wants to read the story of me walking in on two gentlemen taking a trip Down The Gloryhole in a rest area toilet, check my other blog or send me a tmail. This shit is fuckin' HILARIOUS.
Love,
Dougie
Things I Got On The Best Birthday Weekend I've Had In Years
04.15.07 (11:02 pm) [edit]New microwave
A copy of Ralph Steadman's book on Hunter Thompson
A bottle of killer tequila
A shirt
Another shirt, and a hat
A wonderful meal with my ex and daughter
Money
Bob Evans gift cards
A Starbucks gift card (I hate Starbucks, but I'm not going to tell them that, and maybe I'll just dump some tequila into a cup of their bitter fucking coffee and hope for the best)
Incredibly kind birthday wishes from many friends and family, and a particularly cool one from the best fuckin' former Zappa-employee/god-like musician on the planet
Shitloads of Warren Zevon live recordings
A text message from my favorite 17-year old who lives too far away
A blowjob that could bring an end to war and human suffering everywhere
Yeah. It was good.
Love,
Dougie
Fuckin' Birthday
04.14.07 (9:44 am) [edit]I turned 37 yesterday, and it was a pleasant day over all, but the topper was halfway through the gig.
D (who also happens to have TALENTS OF ORAL MAJESTY) gave me a bottle of Cabo Wabo tequila.
I like this girl.
And Keneally called me a "fuckin' majestic beast of glory."
Fuck, I like birthdays.
Love,
Dougie
Joke
04.10.07 (11:32 am) [edit]This is totally retarded, but I laughed anyway.
Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she's ever had.
After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs.
She is met by two brothers, "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles."
"I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"
Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."
She turns the other brother and says, "Then you must be...?"
"Yes, I'm the chip monk."
Friday Night
04.08.07 (11:22 pm) [edit]
A very nice lady named Leann (who I'd never met beofre) took this pic at my most recent solo gig. Trust me, I NEVER look this good in real life.
Love,
Dougie
Set List From Tonight's Gig
04.07.07 (5:05 am) [edit]Despite my throat being fucked, I somehow actually sang well tonight, only destroying one song. t
SET ONE
Opening Improv - Six Degrees Of Canadian Bacon (D.B.)/Cruel Shoes (Steve Martin)
Splendid Isolation (Warren Zevon)
I Was In The House When THe House Burned Down (Warren Zevon)
Bang A Gong (T Rex)
I Won't Back Down (Tom Petty)
What's So Funny 'Bout Peace Love & Understanding (Elvis Costello)
James K. Polk (They Might Be Giants)
Well All Right (Buddy Holly)
Ankle Bracelet (Mike Keneally)
Octopus (Syd Barrett)
Diamonds & Dominoes (Doug Boucher)
Drive (Incubus)
Heart Of Gold (Neil Young)
I Talk To The Wind (King Crimson)
Lucky Man (Emerson, Lake & Palmer)
Bridge Of Sighs (Robin Trower)
Lay Lady Lay (Bob Dylan)
SET TWO
SPOKEN INTRO - excerpt from Fear & Loathing In Las Vegas (Hunter S. Thompson)/Devour (Boucher)/Ash Baskets, Behind You (Boucher)
Sunday Morning Coming Down (Johnny Cash)
Pablo Picasso (Jonathan Richman)
Werewolves Of London (Warren Zevon) - w/Steve - piano
Powderfinger (Neil Young)
Revolution Blues (Neil Young)
The Big-Ass Double-Drop-D Neil Young Medley - Mr. Soul/The Loner/Cinnamon Girl/fumbling around trying to remember how to play When You Dance You Can Really Love/Mr. Soul
Heartattack & Vine (Tom Waits) - aborted due to severe throat uncooperation
SET THREE
Fast As You (Dwight Yoakam)
Karma Police (Radiohead)
Something (The Beatles)
I Have Always Been Here Before (Roky Erickson)
White Faces (Roky Erickson)
If (Pink Floyd)
Song For A Dead Man (Doug Boucher)
Lawyers Guns & Money/Things To Do In Denver When You're Dead/Searching For A Heart (Warren Zevon)
From The Beginning (Emerson, Lake & Palmer) - interpolating Wang Dang Sweet Poontang (Ted Nugent)
SET FOUR
Little Wing (Jimi Hendrix) - w/R.J. - flute
Whiskey In The Jar (traditional)
It Won't Hurt (Dwight Yoakam)
The Last Trip To Tulsa (Neil Young)
Grandmother's Song (Steve Martin)
King Of The Road (Roger Miller)
What's He Building? (Tom Waits)
Get Behind The Mule (Tom Waits) w/R.J. - flute
Fuckin' Up (Neil Young)
Fearless (Pink Floyd)
Rock & Roll AIn't Noise Pollution (AC/DC)
Bang A Gong (T. Rex)
Mother (Pink Floyd)
Stairway To Heaven (Led Zeppelin) w/R.J. - flute and Andrea - vocals
Brown Eyed Girl (Van Morrison) w/Andrea - vocals
Poor Poor Pitiful Me (Warren Zevon)
The Needle & The Damage Done (Neil Young) w/Andrea - vocals
Breathe (Pink Floyd)
The Piano Has Been Drinking (Not Me) (Tom Waits)
Andrea is a girl I've never met who wante dto sing a couple songs. R.J. is a friend and fellow sick fuck who has sat in with me a few times (and I showed him a picture of You-Know-Who to show where my source of inspiration come from and he GOT it immediately and fully) and Steve is my band's keyboardist.
It was fun. I'll be back there in two weeks.
Love,
Dougie
Song For A Dead Man
04.05.07 (2:06 pm) [edit]I wrote this some time back and finally put music to it recently. The subject of the song is probably obvious to the readers of my blog. Musically, it has a strong Neil Young vibe, and I'll be premiering it tomorrow night at my next gig.
I dreamt of him one night
Driving across Georgia's desert with a bottle of gin
He came from behind a cactus carrying someone's head
And motioned for me to take a walk with him
We howled at the moon
And drank and laughed and played guitars
Then he left me alone in that desert
Underneath a canopy of endless stars
Drink to the dead man
Laugh for the dead man
Keep him in your heart
As fucked up as my shit may be
I'll find things to do when I'm dead, you see
The dead man still talks and sings at me
And teaches me what it means to be free
It excites me to see him there
The ghost with a sandwich and a cigarette in my chair
He comes back on the nights I put those albums on
And sometimes we sit and listen together, and drink until dawn
Drink to the dead man
Laugh for the dead man
Keep him in your heart
The Dougie Update
04.04.07 (10:16 pm) [edit]Greetings, tblog friends and other motherfuckers. Been a while since I posted here, so if you give a shit:
Still very erratic work during the days, but I might have a new day job soon that I am MUCH more excited about. I don't know yet, though.
I have a solo gig Friday night. I worked up a couple Roky Erickson tunes today, and I have a couple goofy ideas for spoken-word stuff. Unfortunately, my throat is a bit fucked up and has been for almost three weeks. We'll see if I survive four-plus hours. I think I'm gonna be extending guitar moments some. My style of solo-guitar improv is slowly developing into something I even enjoy myself.
I met Sheryl's new boyfriend last night and quite enjoyed it - he bought me a beer and we hung out and talked for a while.
Katie is wonderful as ever, and I've been HIGHLY impressed at her drawings lately. She's made big steps in reading and writing recently as well. I had a new guitar student tonight that is her age (and his dad, teaching them together for now) and the difference was remarkable - I don't meet too many five year olds with anything like the spark she has.
Progress with D is going VERY slowly, but I'm comfortable with her now. We just don't get a lot of time together. I still have lingering doubts in my head about what can actually come from this, but I know she WANTS to make this thing work in some way. And I do too. I really do like her.
A bar right here in town has jazz on Saturdays. I was shocked to learn that, but since I'm almost always in Indiana with my own band that night, I don't know when I'll be able to go there. I'm looking at possible solo gigs there on another night.
A few months ago, my friend D9 introduced me to Penn & Teller's Bullshit! - a WONDERFUL Showtime show where they debunk just about every stupid thing you can think of, and are funnier than hell about it. I was shitting myself over their show on personal safety, and the one on the War On Drugs is downright inspirational. Once again, I'm behind on this - they're in their fifth season now and I've only seen stuff from the first two on DVD and YouTube, but check 'em out.
I'm reading some of Richard Dawkins' work, which has been very interesting and entertaining. The journey that has bought me to this point - I've gone from a hardcore right-wing fundamentalist Christian to an atheist in less than two decades - has been full of weird turns, but all in all, it's been a good ride. It should get interesting now that I have no qualms about referring to myself as an atheist - it's easy enough for the writers, educators, and scientists I admire to take on that term, but here in the blue-collar Midwest you are very alone with this view, and I've got some VERY strange looks the few times I've been brought into these kind of discussions recently - but I'm willing to buy the ticket and take the ride.
Financially, I am in probably the worst condition I ever have been, and there are very bad nights with fear and the feeling of being about to lose my grip, but they are still less than they once were, and I feel more MYSELF than I ever have. It's good.
Shit, I can't think of anything funny to say...
Love,
Dougie