Pure Friggin' Bile
07.15.05 (9:10 am) [edit]I've tried really hard to get rid of this, because I know it's not productive at all, and I know that most of the situation it pertains to is getting better, but it keeps popping its ugly head up again and having its way with me.
I'm feeling it again.
When people who don't know you form an ignorant opinion of you based purely on another person's input, and with no consideration for the SHIT you live with in your head every goddamn day - because they know NOTHING ABOUT IT - ...you can't do a fucking thing about it and probably shouldn't let it get to you.
But it does, and I'm going to have to live with it until I can finally let it slip away.
I really want to be driving through the desert right now. I hate being anywhere near this part of the country. It's done nothing but made me hateful and lose whatever love of life I might have had.
And I can't do a fucking thing about that either. Except try to not let it get to me that way. I'm just not sure how.
This constant up and down bullshit, going from optomism to pure despair, is not going away. The lithium mutes it, but it doesn't change it, because it CAN'T. There is no drug that can, except for ones that I don't want. I'm not interested in being a well-behaved drone. I don't want to lose the only thing that keeps me functioning. Anger. I want to find a way to focus that anger into something more productive, because I think I can knock fucking buildings down if I ever do find that way, but I can't lose it. I just don't want to feel it in this context, or the contexts I usually end up feeling it in.
John Lydon put it one way - Anger is an energy. I want to run engines with this energy, not tear my intestines apart with it.
It's not going to happen today, though. Or tomorrow. Or next week. It's going to be a while. I finally have the space to do it in, I just have to clear this damn fog out of my head first.
Fuck,
Dougie