Then She Appeared
08.12.05 (6:28 pm) [edit]Thursday night
This is a strange time to be wondering if I'm falling in love.
It's not that I don't believe in love at first sight, or love at a very limited exposure to someone. It's just that I don't TRUST it. I'm a complete goob-head when I start feeling this way. I say and do even stupider things than I do in daylight. It scares me a little.
And feels good too. I'm surprised to find that I still CAN feel the way I've felt the past few nights. A week, really, but only really concentrated in the past few nights, and tonight in particular. I even wrote her a ridiculous song. It's cheesy and dopey and what the fuck. I'm happy, goddammit. Let a guy be stupidly happy for once. Here it is:
You're the brightest bulb on my Christmas tree
You're much better looking than my friend Lee
You're the perfect match for my asymmetry
You're the cure for my constant ADD
Jenny
Yeah, Jenny
Gotta get me into your smile
Jenny
Damn, Jenny
I'd like to makes biscuts and gravy with you for a while
I'm the stuttering fourth grader in your past
I'm the guy who never said it, and came in last
I'm the eyes currently superglued to your sweet ass
I'm the guy offering you the stone, and I'm the glass
Jenny
Yeah, Jenny
Gotta get me into your smile
Jenny
Sweet Jenny
I'd like to get dizzy and fall over running through your turnstiles
Love ain't free
And I cost too much
But I've got extra napkins packed
Wanna make you my lunch
Yeah, Jenny
I'm the oversized hormone who wants to make good
You're the balancing act for me to reign in my wood
I'm trying to make my intentions fully understood
You're the engine for my dreamin', can I be the hood?
Jenny
Oh, Jenny
Gotta get me into your heart
Jenny
Yeah, Jenny
You hit me like an expertly thrown dart
Jenny
Oooh, Jenny
Gotta get me into your brain
Jenny
I love ya Jenny
Even though I'm obviously completely insane
Jenny
And I can't stop thinking about how much I want to make HER feel good. I feel good just having this thing in my chest. I just don't know what I have to offer her other than this crazed feeling. I've joked about it, but the only thing I feel capable of in terms of making this woman happy is to bury my face down there for an hour or two. And i'd gladly do it. I think I could make her laugh too. And I love doing that for a woman. But what else am I good for right now?
"Well, Jenny. I've thought through it, and I know now why you should be my baby tonight, ooo yeah. Sorry, just thought I was an Eddie Money song or something for a second there. These things happen to me when I fall in love with women who have no real reason to care if I live or die. You know, like all of them.
Anyway, here's what I have: I like to eat pussy. I make a damn good stir-fry. And I haven't killed anyone with a hatchet or a book of stamps yet. So, am I your man?"
Jenny...
Less than three months ago I wanted to die. And I was putting myself in situations where it could happen. Now I'm not so into death. I think being with my daughter sounds like more fun. Being with Jenny too.
Jeezus Fucking Kee-rist! I barely know this woman! I'm going off of very limited information here! I WORK for this woman! Am I insane???
Who gives a fuck?
I like feeling this way. I like having these little daydreams. Most aren't about sex, believe it or not. Some, yeah. Most are about the initial ice-smashing. I'd say "breaking", but I'm not very subtle. You might have noticed that about me by now. (Ho ho.) I keep thinking about her handing me the check tomorrow, and smiling at her. Not being able to stop smiling. Then stammering through some half-baked bullshit about anything except what's actually on my mind, just to keep her there ten seconds longer. So I can look at her for ten more seconds. Maybe get just a bit deeper inside those eyes. And I'm smiling, and stammering, and trying to be cute and funny and finally she understands. She gets it. And she tries to get me to admit it. Finally I do. I try to phrase it right. I can't say "I'm madly in love with you", or "I really really really like you and oooh baby, gee whiz, would you like me too, in my lonely teenage room, woo woo woo", or "I want to weatherproof your pussy with my tongue" or even "Jenny, I'm crazy about you." All these things would eventually require lawyers.
"Jenny, I really like you. I'll leave it at that."
And of course she'd say,
"Oh God, I thought you'd never say it. Take me right here on the concrete floor in front of all the black guys who have bigger dicks than you. I'm YOURS! Take me, you savage mouseketeer!"
Or:
"Sorry, I'm a lesbian."
Or:
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you want to weatherproof my pussy with your tongue too, right? Dammit, I've gotta call the company for ANOTHER new temp? Get out of here, asshole."
Or:
"That's really nice. Now excuse me, I've got paperwork to do."
Or:
"Thank you, that's very sweet. I'm already married to the most wonderful man on the planet, and you, after all, are but a measly temp, but that's still really sweet of you."
Or:
"Yawn. Uh...what was that?"
Or:
"Doug, I really like you too. but seeing as how this violates about seventeen codes of professionalism, I guess you can go back home and jerk off. sorry."
Or:
"Doug, I really like you too. Here, let me write my phone number down for you. Call me tonight? I'd love to get to know you better."
Or:
"AIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!" (runs headlong into forklift and knocks self out)
All these things actually go through my head. But mostly I just want to be allowed to stand there and stare at her for about forty-six days. Follow her around like that little puppy. Beg for scraps. Just be NEAR her. Absorb her special energy.
Holy fuck, I AM falling in love. I simply don't say shit like this unless it's about Keneally. How can I break his heart like that?
"Dear Doug,
Got your note. You WHORE!
Crushed,
Mikey"
I think it might also be hard to explain to Jenny. "Well, babe. I know we've been together for three months now, and I regularly chow your muffin like it's Jesus' Salad Bar, but I have kept a secret from you. See, I'm actually bi. And I really want to fuck this guy with a green guitar. I hope this doesn't interfere with our beautiful, blessed love."
To paraphrase Bill Hicks, it's going to take a very special woman to deal with me. Or a whole bunch of average ones. Either way, I'm fine.
Well, The Lord Of The Flies has come to drag my ass to Hell. I'll be thinking about Jenny the whole trip.
Sweet, delectable, fun-filled, creamy nougat centered Jenny.
Poor kid, she's gonna need a damn good shrink if I ever actually do start anything,
Dougie
------------------------- ------------------------- ----------
Next morning.
The alarm goes off. Jenny? Are you there?
Oh shit. I'm starting to lose my mind, right?
I usually don't want to get out of bed anyway. But this morning I have a reason. Because there is a soft, warm, beautiful ghost there, and I can't possibly leave that, can I? I can't get up and go to work when I have a complete figment of my derangemagination here with me, ready to keep me warm?
Here, let me snuggle in a little closer. Have I told you lately that you are the most beauitful creature in the entire universe? I love you, Jenny. I............
HELP ME! I AM IN HELL!
OK, I'm awake now. I'm going to fry a couple eggs and go to work. This is what I told the picture on my bedside table. The picture of my daughter. Katie, Daddy still has feelings towards your Mommy, but it's over, and she has been seeing someone, and I'm happy for her for doing that. But I need to do that too. I didn't think I did. I didn't really want to. Not for a while, anyway. But now I know I need to. There's a girl I'm crazy about who I can never possibly be with, but maybe I'll find someone else soon. The main thing I want YOU to know is that YOU are the most important woman in my world, and I never want to let anything or anyone get in the way of that. Like when that cat hurt you. I was right there to stop that. I'll be right there to stop anyone who tries to take you from me in any way, even if it's someone I also love. So don't worry. Daddy might find someone to be with, because grownups need that, but she'll never take YOUR place in my heart.
I'm getting serious again. OK, time to go to work..
------------------------- -------------------
Friday evening
Well, still have that Tommy Tutone song in my fucking head. I saw Jenny this morning when she handed out checks. Her hair was about halfway between yesterday's and before. White sweater (too hot for it outside, but inside it was a bit cool) which perfectly presented her frontal assets. Very smiley and professional.
"Hi Jenny! how are you today?"
"It's a wonderful day. Absolutely wonderful."
Hey, I haven't brought her down yet.
"Well, that's great. Glad that dealing with all of us hans't ruined your day. "
"No! You guys are great. Everyone's here on time, doing their job. you guys are great to work with."
"So are you!"
"Thanks!"
"I hope you continue to have a wonderful, fabulous day. And hey, you got everything on my check right. I knew you were wonderful!"
"Thank you!" Big smile from her. Not the slightest edge off her professionalism, seems totally unaware (though I know she's not) that I'm not just talking about her work performance, but a big smile, great attitude.
Holy shit. I'm not nearly good enough for this woman.
She walked by a couple more times, smiled each time. I wanted to fall to my knees and scream "My face is your chair! Sittith upon me, my love! I want to wrap you in bacon and play Ethiopian Refugee! Your lawyer doesn't have to know! Come on, it'll be fun! I'll buy you a pizza! Of course I'll introduce you to Warren!"
Adds water, makes its own sauce...
I'd made myself all pretty before I came in for her. Yeah, right. I'm as pretty as an overcooked frozen pork fritter. Which taste OK, but aren't pretty.
But I did get my hair about as good as it gets (not bad these days, it's about he only thing on me worth looking at) and didn't wear my usual hat. Pulled it back and tried to look semi-professional in my black pants and one of my better shirts. Took extra time shaving.
I NEVER go out of my way to look good for ANYONE unless its a job interview. Obviously, Jenny has caused me to come unhinged.
I saw her walking around to and from her desk most of the morning. Bob - the guy I usually work with, and whose job I'll be doing by myself Monday while he's out - chuckled a few times, noticing that my head went wherever she did. He told me a couple days ago I'd break my neck if I wasn't careful. Fuck it. Everyone ELSE is checking her out too, why not me? This is one fine looking woman. Every guy in there (80% of whom are black, and I've gotta say, I enjoy working with them all a lot. This is new for my white ass.) who I've mentionend her to thinks the same thing. My immediate supervisor rolled his eyes this morning. "Damn, I try to just look away. Don't need THAT breaking my concentration." One of the other guys said "Yeah, she's OK alright" the same time I was saying "That's one fine lookin' white girl." He thought that was pretty funny.
I just took a quick break from typiing to get some more baked beans. I reached for the pepper and got the salt instead. Uh...shtifucky!
The supervisor also asked me this morning how I was doing. "Bob said you just went through a divorce. I've been through two, got two kids from each."
I liked Al's advice. Next woman I get? Don't fall in love with her. Wait til the one after that. "It feels like your using her to heal yourself, and you are. But you've gotta take care of yourself. Be good to her. Just don't stay around too long. Fall in love with the one after THAT."
Of course, I WANT Jenny. Who I'm already...nah, I don't think this is really love. I've had myself in a pretty good frenxy the past few days, but I've cooled down a bit. It's neurochemicals. Same shit that always fucks me up. I can't let myself get too caught up in this. But I'm glad I did for a while. Just to know that I CAN feel this way again. It's worth it for that. I'll likely have a flood of chemical reaction through my skull every time I see her, but I have to remember that's what it is. A good thing, in fact, a great thing if allowed to flourish in a healthy way. But that's it right now.
Sure feels good, though. I'd worship her given the chance. It's just not fair that women that look like that exist. :)
Before I left today, I ran over to her desk. She'd left at lunch. I saw her go with her purse, and felt a little tinge of sadness. She does the same job at another place down the road, and I knew it was over until Monday. I'll see her again then.
Her card was there. I know her last name now. The only picture on her desk is of a very cute dalmation.
I'll be thinking of her a lot. It brings a song into my head that is almost as beautiful as she is. Yeah, I had that damn 867-5309 thing circling around, but ever since she left at noon, XTC has been drifting in and out of my noggin. I wish I had half the ability to write that Andy Partridge does:
Then she appeared, apple venus on a half open shell
Then she appeared, the first photograph on Fox Talbot's gel
I was a little frightened
Flying with my senses heightened
Cherubim cheered
Then she appeared
Then she appeared, as the giggling crew of Marie Celeste
Then she appeared, pale Atlantis rising out of the west
I was a little dazzled
Catherine wheeled and senses frazzled
Know it sounds weird
Then she appeared
And the sun which formally shone
In the clearest summer sky
Suddenly just changed address
Now shines from her blue eyes
Then she appeared, brittle shooting star that dropped in my lap
Then she appeared, dressed in tricolour and phrygian cap
I was a little troubled
Hookah with my senses bubbled
All Edward leared
Then she appeared
And the moon which formally shone
On the marbled midnight mile
Suddenly just packed its bags
Now shines from her bright smile
Then she appeared
Out of nowhere
See you Monday, sweet Jenny. Thank you for awakening a part of me I thought had died a long time ago.
Still a bit fluttery,
Dougie