Broken

Broken

08.16.05 (5:30 pm)   [edit]
This is two entries back to back. Scroll down and read the previous (and much longer) one first.



Well, it's over.

It didn't go down badly, but it's done. And frankly, I'm relieved. I don't think I could carry on much longer.

When she came in this morning, I was immediately blown away. I'd had no intention of doing anything towards her today except maybe just a quick hello, but she had her hair down. That's all it took. I saw it from the back as she walked to her desk, and my brain snapped. I HAD to see that again!

I walked right to her cubicle, and in the back of my brain somebody yelled "What the FUCK are you doing???"

I had my my mouth open the second I turned the corner. "I hope this isn't too obnoxious, but I've never seen you with your hair down and..."

While this was being said, two things were also going on:

1.) The voice in my head was saying "Wow, that's a really fucking stupid thing to say."

2.) I registered that she was on the phone and saying "I'll be with you in a second..."

I stood there like a lump. She looked stunning. I wanted more than anything in the world to reach out my hand and touch her hair. Her face. Her ENERGY. Even on a business phone call, she radiated it.

She was still smiling as she talked to whoever it was. I lasted five more seconds, gave a quick wave, and got the fuck out.

Shit, what did I just do?

I was convinced I'd blown it. I said something really ridiculous and over the line and...or maybe not. She barely seemed to even notice. But I felt it creeping in. Depression. Wending its fucking way around my brain.

I beat the hell out of myself for two hours while trying to prepare parts for shipping. I knew I probably didn't have to, I was just sure that I'd MAYBE blown it. Total insecurity at this point.

Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. Goddammit, I have to do something. I can't go home feeling like this.

I made up a reason to go talk to her. And did.

She wasn't on the phone. Gave me that "Hi! Glad to see you!" smile that utterly destroys me.

"Say, I just wondered something. They seem to be pretty happy with me, but has anyone said anything to you about me on the job? I think I'm doing OK for them, but I wanted your input." Lame question. I knew the answer.

"I think so. They haven't actually said anything, but that's always a very good sign. You don't have anything to worry about."

"By the way, sorry if I was in your way there earlier." I couldn't think of a better thing to say.

"Oh, you're fine." No, YOU are, you luscious little vixen. "No problem. I'm so ADD I can't remember half the people who come by my desk each day anyway unless they come back to remind me."

Oh shit, I AM in love with her now!

"That's funny. I'm ADD too. Want some of my old Ritalin?"

I'm offering her drugs.

"It might help! I've got issues."

I had no idea what she meant by that. Holy shit, ya think she's as fucked up as me? Cool! The sex will be KILLER! Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!

"Well, that makes two of us." We smiled at each other. I wanted to dive into her .

"Well, I'll leave you alone now." I left. The last line was spoken very quietly. I really wasn't sure what to do next but leave. But I felt a LOT better.

I noticed at 12:20 that she hadn't left for lunch yet. My brain started spinning. Maybe she won't leave for lunch until 1:00 like I do. Maybe she's sitting back there waiting for me to ask her out to lunch. Yeah, right. Maybe baboons will parasail from my anus.

But it was lodged in my head. I started getting the nerve up. I was singing Then She Appeared in my head. I'll take her to that little sub shop I ate at yesterday. (Got a tuna salad sandwich, and yes, I caught the irony.) We'll sit there across from each other. I'll look itno her eyes. And when she least expects it, I'll start singing to her, never looking away from those incredible blue eyes.

Then she appeared, apple venus on a half open shell...

It'll charm the living fuck out of her. She'll be mine before I hit the third verse.

If only...

Just before 1:00, I walked back to her.

"I see you haven't been to lunch yet."

"This is lunch today. Get a few minutes here and there."

"Oh, sorry to hear that. Uh...uh..." I'm losing my nerve. Gotta keep momentum.

"Uh...I wanted to ask you soemthing. I know this might very well be out of line, and if it is, tell me and I'll leave you alone. But...but...uh..."

I stopped cold. I swallowed. I nearly lost it entirely.

She was actually still smiling. "Forget what you were going to say?" That almost sounded like a tease.

"No. I...uh..." Goddamn it, I feel like I'm in a bad teen movie.

"Would you...like to go out to lunch with me...sometime?"

The smile never left. "I'm sorry." sSe actually sounded sorry. "I can't. They won't let me date anyone in the company, any of the sites. Sorry."

"I knew that, I guess. I thought I'd ask anyway."

"And I have a boyfriend."

"Damn."

I tried to keep my head from dropping. I failed.

Long pause. Again. "Damn."

Her smile dropped slightly. Just slightly. It was now joined with...concern? Sadness? Holy shit. She looks like she's sad about telling me no.This NEVER happens. Usually it's, "No. Here, let me get the door for you. Get the fuck out!"

"I'm very flattered, though."

I've heard that one before. But she meant it. I could tell. Every other woman says it as if she really is saying "Get the fuck away from me before I bring out the mace and the power hose, you sick twisted bastard." But Jenny looked like she really WAS flattered. And even a bit sad. Jesus Christ, I'm going to have a hard time forgetting this one...

She had that look. It was saying "Well, you really are a nice guy. I hate doing this to you. Of course, I AM the most desirable woman on the planet and I do this about six or seven times a day, since men are planting themselves in my lawn just to be near me. But you really are sweet. Sorry to break your heart. Really I am."

But she didn't really say that. She just looked at me, waiting for my next input.

"I'll say one more thing, then I'll drop this and leave you alone. I've been slightly crazy about you for a week now. And I've been thinking about you a lot." That was as much as I'd allow myself. But I had to say it. I'd explode if I didn't. It was what I wanted to say all along.

The smile returned. "Thank you very much." That was all she said.

"I'm going somewhere to be sad for a while. But I'll get over it. You have a nice day."

"You too." It was gentle. Sweet.

"Bye."

I haven't said a word to her since. I felt like I'd been comfortable in bed and someone ripped my favorite blanket off me. Another guy. Of course she has another guy. How could she NOT? They grow on the trees in her yard like goddamn leaves.

I went to Steak & shake, ate something bad for me, and read The Great Shark Hunt. Been working on it for three months and still not halfway through. Hunter's tales of mayoral elections in Aspen took away some of the pain for a while. But only for a while.

I'm glad it's done. I could have kept trying to charm her and it wouldn't have meant a damn thing. I would have just ended up having farther to fall from. I would have been far more fucked up over it than I wanted to be, and more than I am. I really am glad I went through this. For once, I don't have any reason to blame myself for anything. I did nearly all of it right, some of it very right. A few things not-so-right, but they didn't matter. I played this out as good as I could have expected to, and really, a hell of a lot better. I had some real confidence, and felt some really powerful, beautiful emotions I thought were lost to me. It sucks that I'll likely go a long time without meeting a woman who will pull such positive, selfless things from me, but I guess that's OK. I'm more than a little disappointed and sad, but I know (for once) that it's not really that bad.

I'm lucky to have met her. I can still see her every day for a while. I can't imagine doing this job for an extended period, but I have to hang on to it for a while, and she is the one who got it for me in the first place. I'm glad I've had Jenny around for a while to make me flutter.

Pale Atlantis rising out of the west...

Dougie