Personal Ads From Hell

Personal Ads From Hell

09.11.05 (9:40 pm)   [edit]
I just turned on something on HBO and there's these girls outside some gay guys' house holding a protest."Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve!" When they get chased away, there's one girl left holding up a sign that says "Silly faggot, dicks are for chicks." I laughed my balls off.

Anyway,

Ten reasons to stop reading and go onto the next profile:

1.) If there's 7 pictures, and one of them is a blurry shot from the top of a building at night time with the lens cover on, and the other six are of her dogs.

2.) If the word "Jesus" appears ANYWHERE in her profile, RUN. Go jack off to the newspaper. YOU'LL BE BETTER OFF.

3.) The phrase "no games", or "Don't play games." This is usually a sign of a person fitting another phrase - "emotionally-dishonest hypocritical bitch." Essentially, you have someone who will put up with none of your bullshit, but will expect you to buy the shovel to dig out from under hers. Women have games you've never HEARD of. Don't believe the hype. They're full of shit.

4.) If the word "soulmate" appears anywhere, laugh, THEN run. Fairy tales are nice. BELIEVING in them is another matter. And trust me, if she's in her 20s and she uses this ridiculous word, she MIGHT still be worth the time, because she doesn't know any better yet. But any woman over 35 who uses it will NOT be satisfied by you or ANYONE."I'm 47, I've been married 12 times, and every guy I've met is an asshole. But I still believe in True Love." You know what I believe? You're gonna die really fucking disappointed. The best you can ask for at this point is someone whose shit you can tolerate and who will tolerate yours. Anything else is a BONUS, baby.

5.) On match.com, you can write all this stuff about yourself, then choose from different answers to questions "about my date." If she writes at length to everything else, but gives NO answers to what YOU should be, you might have to be a little scared. The reverse is also true, probably more so.

6.) The first thing I do is scroll to the bottom of that to see "turn-offs." If "long hair" is on there, I'm outta here. Might be a perfectly wonderful lady, but I ain't wasting my time if that's on the shit-list. I've read too many cool-sounding profiles that ended with "long hair" and "sarcasm" on the turn-off list, and it made my hard-on shrivel up like a stack of dimes.

7.) If there's anything in there about "making love to smooth-jazz" (I've actually read that exact phrase once and others like it twice) she's probably a really lousy fuck. Besides, who can keep it up to a fucking Kenny G solo? I'd need to mainline Viagra into my eyeball. Now,on the other hand, if she says something like "I enjoy fucking like a wildebeast to Nine Inch Nails", you might need to send her an email. Too bad I haven't seen that one yet.

8.) Here's one I sent an email to but was scared afterwards. I'm almost glad she didn't write back. Nice sounding profile, and I was intrigued by the intelligent way she discussed being into Wicca. (Usually it's some shit about "I'm a pagan goddess of the earth", which makes me poop myself trying to imagine.) Then I saw the picutres. Really nice looking blonde girl, early 30s. In a black cape in a graveyard. Now, part of me thinks "Damn, that's gotta be interesting." As time went on, I started to think "Damn, I'm gonna wake up with the head of a goat next to me." Part of me is still interested. My DICK. But my BRAIN is saying "Red light! Red light! Psychosis at 12 o'clock!" Hey, I hang out in graveyards sometimes too. I don't dress up like Rick Wakeman and do my fucking glamour shots there.

9.) Red-haired girls who are 23 years old, have 4 kids, and have been married six times. Favorite music - Tori Amos. These chicks often look incredible (oh to have some pale little red-headed white girl for the night), and probably suck cock like God's Hoover, but they will DESTROY YOUR LIFE. They have more emotional issues than a roomful of American Idol rejects. Maybe nail 'em once. Try to do it without giving out your address.

10.) If you get an email from a 24 year old girl from Russia looking to "play around", there's a very good chance it's actually a 54-year old fat guy trying to get you to pay for his porn site he had to coke some girls up to pose for. I've got three of these emails. I laughed, then went off to read the newspaper.

11.) If you want an idea of how boring most this shit is, consider that half the profiles have taglines that read "Are there any good guys left out there?" NO. We killed them all off. All that's left is a bunch of beer-swilling assholes who only want you for your cock-sucking and TV-dinner-microwaving abilities. What the fuck OTHER answer do they actually expect? Go buy a thesaurus, you unimaginative cunt.

There's reasons I'm still not getting laid,
Dougie