Now This Is REALLY Weird

Now This Is REALLY Weird

11.12.05 (9:35 am)   [edit]
But cool too.

I was sitting here eating my eggs (topped with some Alien Ambush hot sauce that I got in Roswell. Man, I want to go back there and take shrooms with the Zargothians) listening to Lennon and burning CDs, when the phone rang.

Melinda. Somehow I knew it before I picked it up.

"Hi, Dougie." (I told her she could call me that.) "How are you?"

"Eating eggs and listening to stuff from before you were born. Told you I'm an old fart."

She chuckled at that.

"Hey, I want to apologize about last night. You seemed kinda scared of me."

"Well, I just thought we probably didn't have a lot to connect with. I like you, but I'm probably not what you're looking for."

"Well, I'm not looking for a boyfriend. But I'd like to have a friend who is a guy again. I've been hanging out with the girls too much." She chuckled a bit.

"So, you like boring old farts then."

"You're not boring. And you're really cute. But...that's why I called. If you're going to be my friend, you neded to know a couple things, and I understand if you don't want to be."

"Nothing wrong with friends." (Now I'm thinking this is both weird and frustrating. Is this going to be Welcome To My Psychosis Night or what? And did she just say I'm really cute? Christ, she IS a basket case.)

"I'm not very good with guys. I've been avodiing men for a long time."

"You've really been hurt, haven't you? If you don't want to talk about it, I understand."

"I do want to talk about it. Everyone else knows. So should you."

"OK."

"My dad used to molest me. He tried to kill me."

Oh my fucking shit.

"I nearly killed him. When Mom pulled me off him, he was unconscious."

So, I don't want to piss her off. That's nice to know...

"Jesus. I'm so sorry. But at least you were able to defend yourself."

"It wasn't defense."

Uhhh...

"He tried to kill me and I got away. I came back a while later with a baseball bat and tried to kill him. He didn't see me coming."

I bet the sex is LOTS of fun with this one...

"Can I say something? I wasn't scared of you before. I am now." I laughed to let her know I was half-joking. Well, maybe a third. OK, a tenth. 90% of me is scared shitless of her now.

She laughed at that. A lot. She'd laughed at me before, but it was more reserved. This time she sounded relieved.

"I don't hurt people. I've never hurt anyone. Not even animals. But I hated my Dad." Long pause. "I loved him too."

"I know that feeling. Well, not like you do, obviously."

"When I was little, he was my best friend. He made me feel like the most important girl in the world."

I thought about Katie. Then I thought about Laura Palmer. Then I wanted a shower. Ick. This stuff really fucks with my head.

"I have nothing useful to say to this, Melinda. I'm sorry. But I'm sure you've heard that before."

"Don't be. I was sorry enough for myself for a long time. I don't want to be anymore."

"That's good." Shit, I'm not much help...

"I had a couple really shitty boyfriends too. I'm not good with guys, I guess. They sure haven't been good to me. But you're very nice and I wanted to tell you."

"Thank you."

"I'm bi."

"Uhhhh...OK."

"Is that cool? And no, you can't watch, you dirty old perv."

That's when *I* started laughing. We both did. I nearly had an asthma attack.

"You can't join in either." She was laughing too. "I guarantee you my girlfriend has a bigger dick than you do."

I had to put the phone down. I was DYING.

"OK, now I DO want to be your friend. Come on, can I at least PEEK?"

"No, but you can help put the website up."

Holy shit, this girl is fucking HILARIOUS. And I thought she had no personality? Well, last night she didn't...

It went on from there. We'll probably not see each other much. I'm always gone, so is she. She's a full-time student and working 30 hours a week. Which is good. I still don't feel like getitng very involved, but any woman who can make me asphyxiate with twisted lesbian jokes is definitely worth SOME time. She said she felt the need to have a guy friend again. I could use a friend who is a girl. Perspective, you know. And she said I'm cute, but she also seemed to suggest a few times that I was sort of like a big brother. That normally would annoy the fuck out of me, but let's face it, I'm 14 years older than this girl. I was guilty of trying to turn a woman 8 years older than me into my mother (which disgust me about myself) so where's the surprise here?

She drew the line pretty hard towards the end and told me outright that she likes men but she's in love with her girlfriend and has an "exclusive relationship" with her. I'd prefer a "No, I'm not gonna fuck you" but that said the same thing. And I liked that. I like knowing where I stand. And I said it before - she's damn pretty, but I'm scared shitless of the emotioanl baggage that goes along with fucking someone with those kind of issues. I REALLY don't want to be on top of a girl when she starts crying. That SUCKS. I'll settle for lesbo jokes and a twenty-second hug.

Now I've gotta go back to Steak & Shake and see Amanda again. LOL.

Love,
Dougie