The Important Things

The Important Things

12.15.05 (10:25 pm)   [edit]
Still awake. Things on my mind after the last post.


I feel like I've come a long way in the last few months towards some real inner work. I'm happier than I've been in a very long time, even though my circumstances are still pretty shitty. I'm eating better, drinking less, feeling stronger and more mentally sharp. (Though the latter is a relative thing, I still blank out in a fog at least seventy-four times a day.)

But I'm still carrying some shit, and I wish I wasn't. I'm not even sure why I am. I don't think it's necessary anymore. The anger, resentment, jealousy, and need to know things that I really don't need to know is just useless now. Why is it still there? Not nearly as strongly as it was even a few months ago, but it's there.

I feel that I've left a lot of things unsaid, even though I've said a lot and probably don't need to say anymore. But I still feel the need to unload some shit. I'm not sure how to do it or even if I should. I'm not interested in hurting anyone, I just want this shit out of my system so I can move on. I haven't really moved on enough. Progress has been made, but not enough.

I realize that in order to let go, I have to truly grab a hold of the things that I myself really need. The things I need for my emotional and spiritual healing to really take hold. The healing and the grasping of things so long left ungrapsed. It's important now. I have to make that step. The steps I've made have been vital, this one will be possibly more so.

I need to feel clean again. Whole. Complete.

Which is why I need to assfuck a 19-year old girl.


Sometimes you have to take the long way around to get to the punchline,
Dougie