Control
12.24.05 (10:16 am) [edit]Nice day at work yesterday. We did a gift exchange. I bought one of the guys a good set fo gloves. One of the girls got me a hooded Indianapolis Colts sweatshirt. We had lunch from a local bbq place. Bob - totally out of left field - got me a $25 gift certificate to Wal-Mart. I'd got him nothing. Nice guy. I really like working with him.
I'd had every intention of going out last night. Looking for fun. But I didn't. Just didn't feel like it. Was much more into just being alone once I got home. Stayed up and listened to toons, fucked around, drank, and read some Hunter. Good night.
This morning I felt the urge to see Amanda. So I went to Steak & Shake for breakfast. She was wearing a Santa hat. Almost over her eyes, that big sexy smile still on full display. She's so cute, and I told her so. She sat down across from me for a minute and we talked Christmas and kids and stuff. I made no move whatsoever, didn't ask how she liked the card I gave her early in the week. Just enjoyed talking to her. The Santa hat made me think about "opening presents", so to speak, but it all felt very warm, very friendly. She likes talking to me. I like talking to her. She's really cool. It's nice to have a friend. Ya know?
Definitely better than the psychotic 2AM cravings from the other night. In daylight I'm a pretty nice guy. Well, sometimes. At night...man, I've been fuckin' twisted lately. But this morning I felt very in control. Relaxed, confident. Control.
But another lesson in control (and my too-strong need for other forms of it sometimes) came later. Something I'm not happy about, something that fucks with my plans a bit. I don't have control in this situation, it's not mine to have. And it's OK, I know it is. It really doesn't matter and I'm trying to remember that. but my initial reaction spoke volumes about part of myself I don't like much. I hate feeling out of control when my time is concerned. I like to use my free time my way, and if I can't, I'm kinda pissy about it. Too much. This situation shouldn't bother me, but I'm sitting here now trying to type it out of myself, because I'm pretty agitated. Mostly in control of said agitation (for once, I'm not exactly nuts over it, just not happy at all) but not in control of what I want. I need to bend sometimes for other people, and that's OK, but sometimes you just have got other ideas and suddenly you're thrown off. Dammit. It'll be at least a month before I can have another chance at what I was hoping for, probably longer than that. I'm trying to remember that it's OK. It doesn't really matter. But right now, it kinda does, and I'm gonna have to work through it.
I have little patience for control freaks. Then I remember I am one too. Must work on that. Calm down, Doug. It's gonna be fine.
Mom and Dad and my sister are coming down here, should be here soon. Tomorrow I do nothing. Probably not leave the apartment at all. Monday I'll go see Katie. Everything is really pretty good right now. Not bad at all. I'll try to focus on that instead of this other relatively minor inconvinience.
Onward,
Dougie