What Is This Shit Called Love?
01.09.06 (8:36 pm) [edit]Reflecting tonight on my absolute stupidity whenever there's a hot woman nearby. I CAN behave like an intelligent human being. I CAN put words together into actual sentences. But where my dick is concerned, I'm a goddamn idiot.
Not always. Sometimes it's actually quite easy to not become a drooling mutant in front of a beautiful woman. I'm not sure where the dividing line is between the two extremes. Why I can keep it together sometimes and lose my mind others. I saw Jenny today and was completely together. I saw Amanda yesterday and almost completely lost my shit, and drove off yelling at the windshield "Holy fuck, she's beautiful!" At least I didn't break down in front of her, but it was close. One quick flash of those insanely remarkable eyes and that smile, and I was a fucking jello platter. I KNOW she knows this. But at least I didn't SAY anything. Because what I wanted to say was "I am in desparate need of eating your pussy. Can you bring napkins by when you return with my coffee?"
Yep. Jello. A cheesy 60s pop song came into my head as I sat there, a song my band used to do. A jello mold is easily worked into different shapes, you know...
Bend me, shape me anyway you want me,
Long as you love me, it's all right
Bend me, shape me anyway you want me,
You've got the power to turn on the light
Somebody kill me. Please.
I stopped at a gas station this morning. A 30-something year old woman behind the counter, long straight blonde hair. Reminded me a LOT of Susan, the ex-girlfriend I talked about here recently. Same hair, same body. Face was different, but not by a whole lot. I seem to see women that remind me of her more often lately, for some reason I probably don't want to think about.
I dropped my change on the floor, spilled an ounce or two of coffee on the counter, and nearly tripped over a chewing gum display on the way out the door. I looked right into her eyes and...oh my fucking Christ in a pastry dish. All I said was, "Good morning. Keeping busy?" Inane horseshit. But she looked back and she HAD to know I was about to start leaking fluids out of the corner of my mouth like some deranged misfit child. She smiled back. "Oh, it's not too bad." and that was the end of our fascinating discussion. And, as I said, I nearly went face-first into the floor over a fucking gum display.
As I went out the door, another woman was walking in. INCREDIBLE brunette. Straight dark hair halfway down her back. Knee-length skirt showing a killer set of legs. Very professional looking. Very, very beautiful. Something of a Teri Hatcher vibe to her.
I walked right into another guy two seconds after I saw her, because I was still looking at her instead of where I was going.
He laughed. He was looking too.
"Holy fucking shit", I said.
"Yep."
My cock was hard for two goddamn hours after that. Which makes work difficult. I was going to drill a hole into a cardboard box full of pneumatic parts and fuck THAT. but people would be looking. And besides, I'm not pulling my dick out in a room full of black guys. I'll lose that contest in a motherfuckin' heartbeat. Dammit.
Sometimes I wish it would go away. but I know what it feels like when it does. I never really lost my sex drive, but there was a period about a year ago where it was down to about as low as it has ever been. It SUCKED. I felt crippled. It was because of depression, but it made the depression worse as well. I felt like my dick was broken. As much as it sucks to have fuck-chemicals swarm into my brain like killer bees on crack and make me into a goddamn walking boner, it's worse to feel almost nothing. Because you still LOOK. You can't help but look. But the feeling is totally different. It's like being in a cage looking outside. You're looking, but you just KNOW it makes no fucking difference at all. Fuckin' hell, that was HORRIBLE. I'm glad I'm not in that position again.
I woke up this morning the usual way, thinkng about Amanda. As I was crawling my way out of sleep I heard myself saying "I love you." Oh shit. What the fuck was I dreaming? It had to have been about her, but I didn't remember it. I just knew she was there next to me. Her head on my shoulder. Waiting for me to wake up so we could devour each other again.
But she wasn't. And I was telling her that I lov...
Goddammit. I'm thinking about this shit FAR too much. It's not killing my productivity, but it's definitely putting a chokehold on some of it. CONCENTRATE, you fucker. You've got shit to do. This psychotic jones you have for pussy is going to fuck you up good. Shit, I was about ready to go PAY for it last week. What the fuck is going on with me? In the immortal words of The Pagans, what is this shit called love?
Dougie
posted by: DayTripper7 (reply)
post date: 01.09.06 (6:53 pm)
Love isn't like anything.
:\
I decided (while reading your post) that if I ever had the oppertunity to have a dick for one day, one hour even... I'd take it, and I'd sit in a corner and jerk off, for all it's entirety. I don't think I'd go poon hunting - althought if it came along in my allowed period of time, hell yeah - but masturbation is the same satisfaction to you. As where - for me... eh, masturbation will NEVER be a dick. A real, live, panting, THRUSTING man cannot be replicated.
Damn. I guess I could go for some right now - which is rather unfortunate considering I'm either in a tiff with my man-friend, or maybe I'm just ugly and he's repulsed by my vagina. Hell... I love my vagina, so why doesn't he?
I'm going on and on, but... listen to me. Every single day, I find out more and more weird shit that he does, or has done, from mutal friends. I like him. I want him. I don't want him to be with me ALL the time, but fuck man... I want him to want to be with me. He just doesn't care... enough. I like his sex though, and I know what you're thinking... "girl, it's not worth it, there are a million other guys who'd fuck you, and better" - but .... where the fuck are they? WHERE THE FUCK ARE THEY, DAMN IT?
"I wannnnnt you to want meeee, I neeed you to need me....."... fuck.
I like the feeling up having the upper hand in a relationship, feeling like I'm in control of the sex, and how I feel - but at this point, I feel like he's got total control of me, and he knows it. Fuck that. It annoys me, but I STILL want to sleep with him. Eh? Are you listening?
Back to what I was saying about finding out weird shit about him from mutual friends. I find out things like... he has OTHER girls that he hangs out with, that he's just friends with - whom he hasn't told me about. I find out that he cuts himself/ used to cut himself(really IMPRESSIVE, I sure do pick the good ones). I find out that he met his last 'girlfriend' on the internet. I find out that he spends wayyy more time on his computer playing some stupid game than any normal 22 year old should. Ugh. The more I think about this shit, the more I feel bad for being so mean about him. I'm a bitch, and I make him sound like a complete and total loser - but he's really not. He's just really bad about TELLING me things about himself. I ask him all kinds of questions, but I never thought to ask him shit about this kind of thing. Eeeehhhh.... too bad he's so fucking cute, and he has a lip ring. I'm a sucker for a pot head, too. :\
Still listening?
Fuck. Fuck. FuCK. FuCk. fuck. FUCK IT. I'm scared that if I give up, he'll give up - and it'll be over.
.......
What's on your mind?
posted by: eraserhead667 (reply)
post date: 01.10.06 (4:53 pm)
Reply to: DayTripper7
I've got news, sweetheart. Jerking off is nowhere NEAR as good as pussy. I wish it was. It'd be a lot less bullshit for EVERYONE. Women included. But it's not. If it was, you'd never see any guys at all unless you were in line to be treated for carpal tunnel syndrome.
Nothing agaisnt the holy and sacred art of wanking the biscuit, though. It is an art and an exeperience to be conquered by all men in our search for self-knowledge. All hail wacking!
Good luck with the guy. I'm not about to tell you what to do, but do remember to be good to yourself, and don't let some asshole simply use you. I know this sounds like cliche horseshit, but it's true - you're better than that. No, really.
Dougie
(And go buy a copy of Rare Earth In Conert. Holy FUCK this rocks.)
posted by: OP (reply)
post date: 01.10.06 (6:16 pm)
Reply to: eraserhead667
Truer words have never been spoken.
posted by: eraserhead667 (reply)
post date: 01.10.06 (6:45 pm)
Reply to: OP
About the Rare Earth CD, or about the jerking off? :)
posted by: OP (reply)
post date: 01.10.06 (7:05 pm)
Reply to: eraserhead667
I haven't heard the Rare Earth CD, so it would have to be about the jerking off.
I do find your taste in music trustworthy, though.
posted by: mblog (reply)
post date: 01.15.06 (5:41 pm)
It's not an actual contest.