No Remorse (OK, Some)
01.27.06 (4:35 pm) [edit]I just deleted something very long, because my head was having a hard time getting back out of my ass. I'm confused. As to how people who claim to be concerned about you can take several paragraphs of pain and extract ONE thing from it in the name of what they consider to be "eztreme", as if they have any clue what that word even means. I'm not even talking about one person. I've got this three or four times in the last couple days. Something i did the other night - which I do know was wrong, and I deleted the mention of it for good reason - is aparantly what sticks out from the whole fucking thing. I know these people care about me, I don't want to be shitty about it (which is why I just deleted everything I wrote for fifteen minutes) but I'm tired of people who don't share my priorities putting their values onto me as if it's just a GIVEN that they are right. They're not. People who apparantly think physical property is more valuable than your soul. I know they don't REALLY believe that, but it sure as fuck is what comes out when my pain, what was taken from ME, is minimized for the sake of the stupid shit I took. I kow what I did was wrong. What that CUNT did to me was far worse, and I'm not buying this "Well, people do bad thigns to each other" horseshit, because "people" DON'T do this. ASSHOLES do. And half the assholes don't even do this shit. What the fuck? Some of these people talking to me should know this, because they've been through worse than I have. But they'd rather hide their pain and pretend it doesn't exist. I have no time for that shit. In fact, I think it's disturbing and unhealthy, and I think people who do that are more fucked up than I am sometimes, even though they're so good at pretnding otherwise. I'm not saying my reaction was particularly healthy. It just makes a fuck of a lot more sense within actual human nature than not taking a shit for a month because you're afraid somebody else might not like the smell. God, I hate when people take a criticism and turn it back on me, and now I can't help but wonder if I'm not doing the same thing, and being far too fucking humourless about it at the same time. I'm just not very happy right now, I feel that my own emotions and thoughts are being pushed down in service of something far less important, and I really don't want to give the wrong idea, because I know these people mean well. I just don't share their view of...most things. I don't have to be right every time. But I've seen no proof that I'm wrong this time. But I suppose I should expect it from people who value what is "proper" over what is right. Which is why this world is so fucked up. I know they mean well. I also know that I can't think of them as anything but being wrong and delusional, tied to a view of the world I no longer have any use for. And I really, really hate being so self-important and I'm trying very, very hard not to be shitty and treat them they way they're treating me, because I DON'T want to do the same thing back. I'm just very frustrated by people who think they know more than me and obviously do NOT. I've got shit to do, and I'll get over this eventually. Have a good night. All of you. Doug