I Need A Lover Who Won't Drive Me Crazy

I Need A Lover Who Won't Drive Me Crazy

So I went to lunch armed wth pen and paper, determined to copy it from memory and give it to her.

She wans't there.

Fuck.

She wasn't there yesterday either. According to Paula, she had dental work done and took yesterday off, then showed up today feeling like shit and went home early. I hope she recovers quickly. That wonderful smile needs to be back to normal.

So I read my Hunter biography and ate my second five-way in two days. Took a shit later that made the walls choke.

I told Bob about a girl I met Friday night when I made a stop in Shelbyville on the way down to Cincy. At a gas station. Her name is Wendy. Cute blonde, nothing amazing, but cute. And psychotic.

She was telling someboedy where the restroom was when I got to the counter with my stuff. Then she started telling me about the restroom. How she wouldn't go in there, how she went in there a year ago before she worked there and got sick, how you never know what trucker just fouled the place, and how her boyfriend left her alone with her newborn, and...all this in about 45 seconds, and how the fuck did we get from evil bathrooms to her boyfriend leaving her? Her whole tone of voice was very weird. She had that deer-caught-on-the-headli ghts look in her eyes, like she expected Satan to jump out of the skin of me or any other random asshole when she least expects it, to devour her soul.

But hey, she's pretty cute.

Sirens going off in my head. Dude, this chick could cut your dick off in the night and sew it onto the front of her pants and run out into the cornfields screaming the Polish national anthem. She's fucking NUTS.

Nice rack.

I asked Bob. "Why am I finding myself so attracted to fucked-up chicks these days?"

"Because you're trying to compensate for how fucked-up you are."

"You're such a great help."

That must be it, though. Let's find some utter lunatic to distract me from my own psychosis. Look! A serial killer! What a babe!

I know what I need! A girl who cut the head off her own baby and boiled it in beef broth!

A female Hannibal Lectar! There ya go! I bet she can REALLY suck a dick! Ouch! Watch the teeth, bitch!

A goth chick who takes me into her black bedroom, and the bed is made out of human skulls she flayed the skin off of herself. THAT'S gotta be a girl who won't whine about taking it in the ass.

I need to get laid. SOON. Before this shit isn't a joke anymore.

I pretty much got the fuck away from Wendy. Cute little wackaloon, but I ain't going there. OK, I'll have a few twisted daydreams about it.

I'm going to Hell.

I told Bob all this and he said, "How did we get from damaged to outright sick that quickly?"

"Dude, look who you're talking to. I'm the damaged-and-sick combo platter, motherfucker."

So I lightened it up with a little talk about anal sex websites.

"You've gotta love the names of these sites. I think my favorite now is Her First Anal. What a name. Her First Anal? Like it's a fucking Hallmark moment or something.

Roses are red, violets are blue
But there's soemthing brown, all over you."

I enjoy making Bob walk quickly in the other direction.

A great weekend, lots of stuff. I'm still writing that post. Coming soon to a blog near you.

Love,
Dougie