Whee?

Whee?

Of COURSE it's a big wheeeeee!!!!! Sure as hell is.

But man, oh man, I've gotta move slow. Gotta take my time. I CAN'T fuck this up. She is too cool for me to ruin this with my usual stupidity.

Her lesson (last of the night) went over by 20 minutes. We just kept talking and talking, back and forth, and I kept eye contact locked in the whole time. I had to work very hard to keep up my confidence and not turn into an emotianlly-insecure DOUCHEBAG like I do damn near every other time I'm around a woman I really, really like.

Dammit. I have to stop that shit. There's no REASON to be such a whiny little insecure putz. Stop that shit, Doug. Just fucking stop it.

I did. I felt really good tonight. She's making my chemicals swim around like rabid motherfucking crack-bunnies in a pinball machine, but I SOMEHOW kept it together while still managing to be very open and honest with her. It worked.

It's not a "date" yet. She said she's not ready for that. (She had a date two weeks ago, but apparantly it didn't go well, and she said she took down her match.com profile.) The fact is, I'm so over-the-top filled with raging hormones, I'm probably not ready either. Not with a woman this good. Oh, I wanna fuck SOMETHING. Hell, I NEED to or I'm going to lose my goddamn mind. I think I need a good shallow fuck-buddy arrangement.

But not with this one. This one needs to have much more depth. But I have to be patient, move slowly.

We're going to get together - as "just friends" and hang out sometime, somewhere. Probably in the next week. "You have my number." God, I about imploded when she said that. Nearly left nothing behind but a little green globule on my stool, like a friggin' Spinal Tap drummer.

I'm very close to being completely crazy about this girl, but it feels SO much healthier than usual, and I really think I can just be friends right now. I can wait on anything more, and I THINK I can be fine with it if nothing else ever happens. I hope so. Dammit, she's a FABULOUS lady, incredibly interesting and intelligent and warm and open-minded and...damn. She's also SO FUCKING CUTE I just want to throw my arms around her and kiss her until her head falls off. But I can't. Not now, maybe not ever. And that HAS to be OK, because I HAVE to do this right.

It's been 8 or 9 years since I've had a close "just friends" relationship with a woman . Plenty of more distant female friends, but nothing close. I've had a few VERY good "platonic" relationships in the past. I put that word in quotes because I WANTED to fuck these women, I just knew very early on it would never happen and accepted it because I genuinely liked them and was happy to be friends. I miss them. I haven't seen any of them in years. Though I did hear from one of them via email before the divorce. She's married now, lives not far from here (though I haven't got back with her since I left for SoCal) and we were good friends in high school and for a couple years after. So I might see her again seomtime, and she's married to the guy she was seeing when I last saw her (Fifteen years ago? Maybe more?), and I remember him being very cool too.

A (the lawyer, she's "A" from now on) hits me in a very different place than any woman I've known for a long time. And I think I need to have that part of me in place. I need to know a great woman I can have a true friendship with, and maybe, just maybe we can fuck like bunnies someday. Or not. If not, fine. I have to keep that in mind. My fuck-drive is on an insane level these days, and getting worse because I keep getting NOWHERE with it. But I'm gonna do my best to leave it at home when I'm around her, because I can sit and talk music, politics, relgion, bipolar disorder (her ex had it too), and much more in such a comfortable way. I have to leave it at that.

She knows I really like her. Hell, she knows I think she's really cute. I somehow got that out in a decent manner and she accepted it and was very gracious about it ("I don't think of myself that way, thank you very much") and still wants to hang out with me.

I can't believe this is happening. And I can't believe how much time I'm spending in my head trying to work through the HUGE amount of emotional bullshit I'm typing right here. I've been such a douchebag at times, and I'm sick of myself. I finally feel capable of getting past that shit, but I don't KNOW I can do it yet. Maybe now's the time to find out.

But dammit, I still wanna fuck something. The dick refuses to be denied much longer.

Wow. This is a great possible opening to a beautiful relationship, and here I am over-analyzing the shit out of it just like I always do, because I refuse to believe in my ability to be a decent human being. Dammit Doug, you really need to be better to yourself.

So I will. I'm gonna go jerk off now. LOL.

Love,
Dougie