Squeeze Me, Macaroni

Squeeze Me, Macaroni

Guess who just dropped by without talking to me?

i was cooking chicken and listening to Megadeth's Risk (which isn't that great, but has some cool riffage here and there) and my windows are up. I thought I heard something outside.

A note on the door. Must be from the landlord.

Nope.

Melinda. Everybody's favorite daddy's girl.

Fuckin' hell. I was just thinking about her the other day. Fuck knows why.

I hadn't seen her in at least a few months. (Before Christmas? Just after? I can't remember now.) I won't copy it here, there's a couple things i really don't feel like sharing (bad things that happened to her that she told me about months ago and repeated in the letter, good things about me that would be a huge exercise in ego to repeat about myself, and I don't completely believe them anyway) but it was a tad unnerving. She saw me at the gas station up the road a few hours ago but didn't think she should bother me. But she HAS drove by the apartment several times, trying to decide whether or not to talk to me, hoping i'd come otuside. Is this chick stalking me? Am I being full of my own shit to think so?

She's in town for a few days, getting her things from her old apartment. She's been around the country, but mostly in California, and is moving there. She's mostly lived there for a couple months. She's not living with/seeing Kara anymore. (Kara, the Avril Lavinge-looking roommate/lesbo-lover.) She's living with a guy now. And his girlfriend. I don't EVEN want to know the details of this.

Bullshit. I do too. I want fucking pictures and free downloads of ten-second video clips that'll give my computer yet more spyware. Who am i kidding?

She went to visit her dad in jail a while back. She's "made peace" with that. I hope so. Then again, knowing what that piece of shit did to her, and that he even was able to make her ENJOY it for a while...ick. I'm glad she's happy about things now. But it still makes MY skin crawl and I wasn't even there. This fucker was EVIL to her, and made evil feel like love. Goddammit. And *I* feel like an asshole sometimes? I'm Jesus next to this rotten fuck.

For those who don't know, this girl was around for a few days several months ago. Go read my November 2005 archive. I just did, and it made me laugh and feel ill all over again. There's also some good stuff about Amanda (you know, A1) that made me smile and gave me a good boost. I hadn't read any of that shit in months.

Anyway - Melinda. I look almost exactly like her sexually-abusive father, and I still don't know what the fuck actually happened between us in those few days. It's like a weird blur. She actually kissed me. Right here in my bedroom. That was it, but that was REALLY FUCKED-UP after everything she told me about her father, and I don't think she'd even told me all of it at that point. I managed to keep my brain from going in the wrong head (which, given the details, was really not hard to do, the sick little bitch) but she's VERY pretty, VERY sweet in her wackjob way, fourteen years younger than me, and....dammit, I thought she'd disappeared off the face of the planet. Why did she come back, if only to leave me this damn letter? Christ, she was maybe 20 yards from me an hour ago and I never saw her. I don't know whether to be creeped out or not.

You know how you get some weird paranoid idea in your head that you know is complete bullshit but you can't help but be controlled by it for a while? I've looked out the window about 47 times now, waiting to see Melinda with her baseball bat. The one she TRIED TO KILL HER DAD WITH.

I've been going totally bugshit in this damn apartment for months now, feeling both good about my solitude and utterly alone, often at the same time. There's been two women in here since I moved in. This wacko psychobitch, and that stupid cunt a couple weeks ago who I tried to be nice to because I was letting my dick control my brain again. Two walking festivals of neurosis, and i'm GLAD I didn't fuck either of them. That's pretty damn amazing, dontcha think?

She apologized for "using" me (thanks, sweetheart) and for "taking advantage of your feelings." Yep. sure enough, baby. Gave me wood and everything. Thanks a lot. Bitch.

I don't usually even like using the word "bitch" about women. Even women I don't like. I TRY to be respectful, because I LOVE women. But THIS twisted little girl deserves it. Most of the women I know are either wonderful or at least definitely mean well, or are merely annoying at worst. But it seems I've run into more CUNTS and BITCHES in the past year than at any other time I can remember. I figure it's payback for how much of a FUCKHEAD I've been more than once in my life, but it doens't make it any less fucked-up.

She wrote a bunch of other stuff about how nice a guy I am, which I don't really quite buy. I think she's more full of shit than I am. Imagine that. But yeah, I tried to be nice to her. Considering that I had to take multiple showers to keep from feeling like I'd given myself some fucking disease being around her.

And she was so pretty. Jesus Christ.

Enough of that shit. A4 wasn't at work today, so there was no great ass to check out. We left an hour early, which does no favors for my wallet, but I guess some days they stay late, some days they leave early. Fuckin' hell.

Teriyaki chicken and rice with Steel Reserve for dinner. Another Megadeth album going, Cryptic Writings. I appreciate it more than Risk, but I think the only album I NEED of these guys is Rust In Peace. THAT kicks some ass. This stuff is merely cute.

I just called Megadeth "cute." I really am in the Dark Lord's realm now. LOL.

Oh, fuck this shit. I'm putting in the first Mr. Bungle album. Why hold back? I need something that actually IS evil right now, not this pussy pretend paint-by-numbers Dave Mustaine horseshit. I remember the Jeezo-bangers I used to hang out with getting all freaked out just by the NAME Megadeth. "Oooooh, that's SATANIC!!!"

You know what? If that's the best Satan can do, *I* could bitch-slap that little horned cunt from here to the nearest tit-bar and back. Fuck him in his ass. Mike Patton makes Satan look like James Fucking Dobson. Add in John "I Ate Beelzebub's Cock For Breakfast" Zorn on sax and production, and you've got yerself a fuckin' PARTY, my friends.

GOD BLESS MR. BUNGLE. Don't you fuckin' look at me!

Ahhh...to have a beer with Mike Patton and Dennis Hopper. That might be better than pussy. I DOUBT it, but I'd sure like to find out.

I haven't even written yet about the Chinese take-out shit I took earlier today. THAT is a fucking story. I should have saved it and sold it to NASA. You could glue together a zillion space shuttles and avoid those nasty accidents. Holy SHIT. Literally. New from Touchstool Pictures - H.P. Lovecraft's The Colour Out Of Doug. Yep. My asshole could knock a blasted heath into a Massachussettes country-side. Cthulhu ftagn, motherfuckers!

I'm fucking tired. I hope that bitch comes back. i'm gonna crank up My Ass Is On Fire when she does, hang my head out the window and scream "REDUNDANT!" thirty or forty thousand times, and make that little girl go running back home to Daddy.

Love,
Dougie