Indeterminate Feathery Thing

Indeterminate Feathery Thing

Way into Canturbury prog rock, due to a slew of shows available on dimeadozen.org which, if you havne't been there, GET OFF YOUR ASS. It's a torrent site LOADED with killer "unofficial " live shit of just about everyone who ever had a tape recorder or DAT machine within 1000 miles of them.

I'm a huge fan of the REAL Dave Stewart (prog-rock keyboard icon, former Keyboard Magazine columnist, hilarious writer of liner notes to albums nobody buys), not the wanker from the '80s. I came to Stewart via his Keyboard column and his work on Bill Bruford's late 70s albums. He's also semi-known for two of the most outrageously interesting "Canturbury" prog bands, Hatfield & The North, and Natioanl Health. Insanely difficult, mostly instrumental music, but usually with an airiness and oddball sense of humour that fucks my world in half, baby. Stewart's chops as a player and composer are unreal, and goddamn it, it's too bad four people on the planet know who he is. And I'm two of them.

He also played with Egg, sort of a ELP/Nice goes heavier and denser and weirder. And i'm a huge Keith Emerson fan too.

Anyway, go find some of this shit. I just got a slew of shows from these bands, and I'm listening to National Health's Complete, a double CD collection that isn't actually their complete catalog, but is most of it. It's the kind of unrepentedly musicianly thing that I know my readers from proggy/Zappa/Keneally circles might enjoy, so there ya go.

Got a SHITLOAD of stuff at the library today from a psychotic spree of placing holds on their website last week. Loads of Bob Mould - solo, and with Sugar and Husker Du. Also some Pixies, and the guitar tab books from two Faith no More albums, The Real Thing and Angel Dust. I'm a freak for Faith No More, always have been. Got a couple of their VHS tapes from the library too. I love libraries.

I haven't seen A4 at work since that first day. Damn. But today I had A1 on my mind anyway. I REALLY am missing Amanda, it's been a little over a week now. I think I'll go in there Friday when me and Katie are heading up to Marion. I haven't got a clue what I'm going to say, I just have to let her know I'm still around.

I allowed myself a couple hours of serious thinking ahead today, asking some harder questions I haven't wanted to ask myself about what might happen if I ever do get to be with this fabulous lady. It's all absurd, I might not get anywhere with her at all. But I let myself go there for a while, and I've come to the conclusion that I've got a shitload of inner work still to do, but I'm not going to let that hold me back from pursuing her further. I HAVE to. I'm very unsure of...well...most things. But I'm quite confident that it's the right thing to do, that the things I feel towards her are really quite balanced and right. The details I don't know about. The basic impulse is driving me to her.

Another incident this week made me think hard about other things. It's a bit disconcerting to have someone suggest something to you that makes you question their motivation for doing so, but you still know they have a valid point. In my case, I had to hold back an awful lot of nastiness that I knew would be counter-productive (though not without reason), because I knew I had to think about what was suggested to me. I'm being vague, but I'm asking myself a lot of questions about where I'm at in my head, and where I'm going. WHY I'm going there. I don't like all the answers. I feel very strongly that there's a strong, very good part of me. And another part that is really fucking evil. I spend most my time living in the vast expanse of grey between the two, not knowing what the fuck I'm doing. I suppose we're all like this. In fact, part of what I hate about my fellow humans is our unwillingness to ADMIT this shit. I'm goinna admit it. becuase dammit, why not?

But when I think about Amanda it becomes clear again, and I know I'm doing this for the right reasons. I might fuck it all up anyway, but dammit, I've gotta try. It feels like my first shot at a truly healthy relationship with a woman.

That is IF she's not just stringing me along and being nice to me because she's not up to telling me to go fuck myself. I have to accept that possibility. Sucks, but I have to.

OK, we need a dick joke now before my head goes any farther up my ass.

My dick.

OK, there's the joke. Let's move on.

Also thought for a while about A2. Damn, I miss her. I know you're still reading this shit, babe. I still have your picture here. I still care about you, and I hope you're OK out there. I just wish I knew why you left, if I said or did something wrong.

I've been writing a post about something totally unrelated to all this in my head for two days now. It's REALLY disgusting. I'm proud of it, but I haven't typed it up into final form yet. Soon.

Jesus H. Fuckin' Shitbasket. I've gotta be up in five and a half hours. Good night, you fuckers.

Love,
Dougie