It's Because Of Me

It's Because Of Me

A beautiful evening, I've just returned to Bill's house after a great day with Katie.

We picked her up yesterday after loading two vehicles full of my shit, and dropped said shit at Bill's. Katie immediately showed her Grandma the yard, and grabbed Bill's bird feed to go feed the large variety of feathered friends that help to make us feel so welcome here. Bill radiates a certain energy, and his home has a certain unique charm that makes me very happy to bring my girl here. I have no desire to prolong my stay here once I've moved out of Indy, but I'm happy to be in this place for a while. Just the SOUND of this house amazes me. the natural reverb in each room is a thing to behold.

We went to two different birthday parties today for her school friends. Mom and Dad and Jo came to the first one. I left Katie with them last night, returning to their hotel for a few minutes to kiss her goodnight before a late-night breakfast at Waffle House and coming back to Bill's to stay up and drink and watch his multitudinous downloads (lots of British TV and old '60s music videos) befor ecollapsing at 3AM.

I already wrote about how Lewis Black knocked me on my ass. The show was an incredible bookend of sorts for me. May 19, 2005 found me in the very same building watching my other favorite comedian, Bil;l Maher, after which I drove to a hotel in Greensburg, Indiana the night before I moved to Indy, staying with the magnificent D9 for a month before getting to my apartment. Exactly a year later, I'm in Cincinnati, seeing Uncle Lew and making the firs tmoves towards moving back to Cincy. It's symbolism of a ridiculous yet resonant kind. I've become extraordinarily skeptical of EVERYTHING in recent years, but it's hard to not believe SOMETHING is lining up on a level beyond myself at this time. I don't pretend to know what it is, I don't even care. It's just happening.

Lew had his usual opening act, the ADD-freakhole known as John Bowman. I LOVE this goofball. He did pretty much the same act as two years ago (the same that's on his album, In Stink) but he's honed it to a perfection I admire greatly. He spends a good portion of his set talking about touring with Lewis for the past three years. "I know you all see the happy and upbeat Lewis on television, but that shit doesn't quite play out after three fucking years on a tour bus." God, I envy him. I'd like to spend three years touring with Lewis Black's DICK, let alone the man himself. Check Bowman out, he's a fuckin' hoot.

Another guy got 15 minutes before Bowman, bgut I cna't remember his name. he started off a bit lame, but ended up pretty funny, if not brilliant. I was happy to see Lewis giving time to younger talent. But I'm glad it was only 15 minutes.

Lew's Red White & Screwed tour is, to my mind, a milestone nin the history of comedy. He's at a PEAK. I can't believe how ON he was all night, non-stop, roaming the stage like a predator, spewing beautiful bile for us all to wallow in. He's a goddamn genius of raw hilarious emotion. Every onc ein a while I get a bug up my ass to try my hand at stand-up comedy, but then I see some fucker like Uncle Lew and think "What's the goddamn point? I can't compete with this shit." /all I'll do is rip him and a few other guys off, which is pretty much what I do on this fucking blog to begin with.

It was goddamn inspiring, though. I left the Taft Theatre feeling strong, carefree, fucking thrilled to be alive. Even in the midst of all the SHIT that goes down in this continuously deteriorating nation, there's still reason to get behind the mule and plow forward with a smile on yer fuckin' face. Thank you Jesus, for Jews like Lewis Fuck Black.

"Christians will say things like that Jews will grab a Christian baby off the street and kill it and eat it. But that's not true. We'd make it work for us first."

One of his main themes was how hard it is to be a comedian when every news story is a punchline, how he cna't keep up with the shit. "I see a story and think 'I could make that funny', then THIRTY OTHER FUCKING THINGS HAPPEN." And after the show, I came back to Bill's and hit the main Yahoo page. one of the main news stories? "Bush says newcomers should learn to speak English."

Yep, these jokes pretty much write them fucking selves.

If I can figure out a way to weasel another 30 or 40 bucks out of the shit I call my income, I'm going to see Bill Maher in Indianapolis the week before I move. Goddammit, I NEED this shit. Raw knife-edged comedy has become just as important to me as music in the past few years. I need it to survive. I'd be dead without my sense of humour and the brilliant souls who feed it. Lewis Black. Bill Maher. George Carlin. Richard Pryor. Doug Stanhope. Sam Kinison. Bill Hicks. Lenny Bruce. David Cross. Lunatic visionaries who fuel my life-preserving insanity all. Gawd fuckin' bless them.

Katie and I had a great time at her friends ' birthday parites. the first was at Parky' s Farm, a wonderful part of the Winton Woods park, with farm animals and a "playbarn" set in a gorgeous part of the northern Cincinnati metro area. Watching 20 kids running around yelling "Chickens! Bawk! Bawk! Bawk!" how can that NOT be a highlight of your day?

She was loads of fun (even with two massive emotional breakdowns that she got over within five minutes - you know, she didn't get shit to happen EXACTLY the way she wanted it to, just like any other five-year old {or older} who still has lessons to learn) and it was a riot to watch her with the other kids. It's too bad that they will soon be splitting into smaller groups, as they go to different places to start kindergarten. A few of her friends will be going where she is (the second highest rated school system in Ohio) and I know for sure that one of her favorite boys will be (who we also saw at dinner last night) but it pulled at me a little to know that she will soon be saying goodbye to some of her friends. Another lesson to be learned.

The second party was all girls (except for the birthday girl's brother) at her house. I was worn out, but tried to keep talking to one of the other kid's mom. It was one of the highlights of the day, being a dad - getting to see THE OTHER KIDS' MOMMIES. A few of these MILFs are boner-inducing on a COSMIC LEVEL.

(And since I know Bacardibreezer wants pics of these MILFs, maybe I should sweeten my end of the deal by saying I'll find a way to get pics of them if YOU get me video of the shit YOU did this past week, you little vixen. LOL)

We visited Bill at the music store, and Katie spent a long time messing with drum kits. She found one her size, very cheaply priced. I know her mother will hate me, but I'm considering this, simply because of how Katie LOOKED sitting behind a drum kit. She looks like a drummer. AS we left, she was staring thoughtfully out the window. "Honey, what are you thinking about?" "I can't stop thinking about drums, Daddy."

That's my girl.

We got dinner and I took her home. We met her new cat. Mimi is still there for now (I hope Sheryl keeps Mim, she's a wonderful creature, but she poops everywhere, so I understand her dilemma) but they have a new tiny kitten they're trying to find a name for. I think Max works best. He's a little fluffball of feline enrgy, and we all got a good laugh out of watching him play. It was nice to share that moment with them both, especially to watch Sheryl. I'm still trying to process everything, even a year later, but I have never once felt bad about taking Katie home to the best mother she could possibly have. I hate leaving her, but I know I'm leaving her with the best.

Wheels turning inside this weekend, trying to find a way of wrapping up ALL the details of moving back to Cincy, not just the easy shit like trnsporting furniture, and coming up with money. The really hard work is yet to be done.

Amanda.

I didn't go there Friday. I didn't have the emotional strength to do it, the focus required. I was locked into moving shit and being with Katie. I'll have to go in Monday and pray she's there.

Part of me knows I have to shit this thing down as best as possible. Another part of me craves any little scrap I can get, anything to prove I didn't waste my fucking energy for the past nine months with this beautiful woman. There is no question whatsoever that I'm leaving. There are nothing BUT questions about what I'm leaving behind in a certain favorite lunch-stop on the east side of town.

I can't begin to sort through it all tonight.

Robert Cray's album Strong Persuader has been a good friend in recent weeks. The whole thing, because it's all brilliant, but go look up the lyrics to the song Fantasized if you want to know exactly what I wish I could sing right now about Amanda. It's fucking dead-on.

But today I put on another Cray album in the van, I Was Warned. Just A Loser hit me in a strong way, part of the reaosn why at the beginning of this post. I don't want to say goodbye to Amanda. I'm still reeling from knowing what I've learned in the past week. Dammit. It has to be done, part of me already HAS done it. But I haven't really let go yet. And knowing me, knowing the shit that I've come painfully to know about myelf - that letting go is a BITCH FROM HELL for me - I know this is going to take a long time to work through.

But I press forward.

Love,
Dougie