The Shittiest Little Tape Gun In Texas

The Shittiest Little Tape Gun In Texas

I was told the first day that the job was likely short term, and it was obvious anyway, given the nature of the work. So yesterday we cleared the place out and left 15 minutes early, and sure enough, within a half an hour I got the phone call.

Fuck. Now I'm not working again.

So when I go back Sunday night (or maybe first thing Monday morning, I haven't made my mind up) I'll be thinking towards checking out the grocery store, and of course, bugging the temp agency for work AGAIN. I've got a couple other ideas too. They all suck, but they're workable.

The job that ended was fucking terrible. If the thing up in fuckin' Brownsburg was possibly the best job they'd got me, this newest one was quite arguably the worst. But I was prepared to slog through it for a while, probably because I had little choice. To list everything that SUCKED SLIME-FILLED HORSE COCK about this job would be a self-indulgent bitchfest of epic proportions that nobody in their right mind would want to read and I'd be an asshole to write. (Though at least I got to come up with the title of today's post. And for the record, it was TWO shitty tape guns. I damn near threw one across the room at one point.) So I'm not broken-hearted about not doing this job, but I am very uptight about money right now. I've not written much on this, because I'm trying not to think about it too much, but cash has become a very major problem. I haven't worked a full 40 hour week in two months. If not for the band, I'd be HOSED right now. Using my parents' van has made the move itself much easier, but the gas mileage in the damn thing is a motherfucker to deal with in comparison to the car, which costs far less to drive. But I'll be done with the van next weekend.

I saw H this morning. I figured she was gone by now, out on maternity leave. But no, she said she's there until the last minute.

My God, I can't believe what she does to me. I can't believe how incredible her body looks to me. I can't believe how much I want to fuck a woman who is PREGNANT and MARRIED. I'd feel utterly dirty about this except that just the sound of her voice, her smile, the way she talks to me, the fact that she went back into the office to find her schedule to tell me when she'd be there next weekend, and just the way she LOOKS at me - all that makes this weird, but very, very nice. She makes it seem so INNOCENT, even though it most certainly is not.

I'm convinced that she wants it too. I might be wrong, but I really doubt it. She's being way too friendly considering that I'm coming on VERY strong. Not that I'm outright suggesting anything. I'm just looking at her, and telling her that she's incredibly beautiful and can make my brain cells carbonate within 2 seconds of seeing her. I SAID this shit to her, and she blushed, but she NEVER LOOKED AWAY. Which only makes the fuck-drive towards her WORSE.

God, she's beautiful. That red hair, that light skin, those heart-stopping eyes. Her unspeakably WOOD-INDUCING curves. Her smile, her laugh, the overall aura of PURE SWEETNESS. She seems so nice, so perfect. Which probably means she's an evil distraction sent by Satan to destroy my mind. But I'd pay that price to have her just once.

Well, I would when I'm around her. Right now with the fog lifted, I'm thinking "You're a goddamn lunatic and you know better. Stay the hell away." But yeah, I know when she's working next Saturday, and yeah, I'll go visit. Because I LOVE the weird convuluted shit she makes me feel.

"Of course, you're married..."

"Yeah, I am. But come back in a year and I might not be."

"Oh?"

She just smiled. And never took her eyes from me.

How the FUCK can I avoid being around THAT whenever I get the chance? Holy fuckin' Christ in a salad dish.

This week has been very odd, a mirror of all the bipolar shit that I deal with much better these days, but is still completely integral to my every waking (and probably sleeping) moment. And if that isn't a pretentious sentence in need of a good dick joke to follow it and take the edge off, I don't know what is.

I can't think of one. Somebody help me out here. I need DICK-JOKE THERAPY.

I spent five days in Cincinnati. It hurt a little when I left, but I loved being back. I loved Wednesday night, one of the nicest times I've had with Katie. We went to the house, and she jumped on my bed while I put in the Brak Show on DVD, then some old Star Trek. I laid down and she crawled up on my back. Something she used to do all the time. Earlier, when we had dinner at Skyline, she sat next to me, and while we waited on our food, she climbed onto my lap and snuggled in. "I'm glad we're going to see each other more often, Daddy."

There is no doubt about this move. I need to do it.

But upon driving back last night, and getting out of the van in front of my apartment, I was blindsided by the massive contradiction of where I'm at in my head right now.

1.) I am SO ready to be back in southwest Ohio and closer to my daughter.

2.) I am absolutely NOT ready to leave Indianapolis and the life I've been fighting to create for myself here.

I was willing to do this for another year, as crazy as it's been. I've had things to prove to myself, and they're being proven. Playing bass with guys I feel are brothers, and being paid well for it has been essential for my sanity. I've found a few things in myself I never thought were there, or at least had thought were gone. I've found some shitty stuff too. But I've not had a problem with that. This past year has been NUTS, but I wouldn't trade those lessons in for anything.

But I need to be back near my girl.

I can find all these things down there, I can re-create this existence there. It can be better, and most likely will be. But that doesn't make it easier to leave. Simply having to start over again makes my head hurt, when I look at where I live and think of how much I've come to love it here.

Other things I wish I could write about, but I'm running out of energy for that. I spent a couple hours taking my desk apart and boxing things right after getting up at 7 this morning. I've got a gig tonight, after dropping this shit off in Marion.

And I can't get her out of my head. H, I want to fuck you more than I've wanted to fuck ANYONE in months. But I'd gladly just stand there and look into your eyes for a while.

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Love (or confusion),
Dougie