Your Pussy Would Be The Fucking Winning Lottery Ticket For Me, Baby
06.22.06 (5:20 pm) [edit]"I'll buy that for a dollar!" - Robocop
I bought coffee this morning on the way to work. (I'm not even typing about that, it's got weird and I'm not sure what the fuck is going on work-wise right now.)
I also bought a scratch-off ticket. I've been paying The Idiot Tax once or twice a week for a few months now. I figure a couple bucks a week is fine. Anything more than that and you're a desparate asshole.
I won four bucks. Wheeee! I can pay the rent for YEARS!!!!
After work, I went to cash it in. Behind the counter of a Shell station was a guy and his co-worker - a DELICIOUS looking young thing, probably just above high school age. Dark hair, straight, shoulder-length. Dark eyes mixing innocence and pure FUCKERY. Pouty lips that could in all probability suck a basketball through sixteen yards of garden hose.
I had bone-syndrome in NANOSECONDS.
And based on her performance behind the counter dealing with approving a pump and taking care of my ticket, she was also DUMBER THAN A BOX OF SHIT.
Like I care about that kind of thing when my weenie is awake.
Gawd, I'm a fucking asshole...
I asked for four of the same ticket. She gave me four completely different ones. Then she levelled me with a DICK-ENGORGING smile and said, "If you win a hundred bucks, you should split it with me."
"Honey, if I win a million, I'll take you to Vegas with me."
Yes, I called her "honey."
"Vegas? I'm not even 21 yet."
Bone, meet polyester...
"Oh well, I don't even like Vegas. We'll go wherever you want."
"You better take care of me if you win."
Oh, I'll take care of you alright. I'll shove my face in your snatch, pick you up by your asscheeks, and drag you around the room while MUNCHING MUFFIN until you come so hard you can't see straight for a week, you little vixen.
OK, I'd get lockjaw, break my back, completely disgust her and end up in a goddamn wheelchair. Who am I kidding?
I went to the car and scratched my four tickets. Won five bucks. So I went back in.
"Did you win? Did you win???"
Cloth, meet Woodrow.
"Five bucks."
"Well, that won't help me."
You little fucking tease...
"Give me five of the same thing. If I win a hundred, will you go out with me?"
"Sure!"
Pants, meet...oh, you know the rest...
"Of course, if I don't win a hundred, you wouldn't have anything to do with me, would you?"
"No."
At least she's honest. Little cunt.
"Seriously, you should go out with me if I win big. I'm sure you'd love nothing more than to go out with a fat hairy guy who is...how old ARE you, anyway?"
"19." Said with lips a-poutin'...
Schlong, meet...get the idea now?
"You wouldn't touch me with a ten-foot cattle prod if I didn't win, would you?"
"No." Goddammit, you REALLY need to stop smiling like that...
"And if I win?"
"I'll think about it." Oh my gawd, the evil little look in that girl's eyes...
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I went outside and did the five tickets. I won ONE dollar.
Oh well, I've only actually put a dollar into it.
"OK, one more time and I'll get out of your way so I don't hold up the line. Give me one more of those."
"OK. You better win."
"And if I do?"
Just a smile...
"Give me the fucking ticket." We both laughed. The other guy behind the counter just stared at me like I was a total asshole. I AM. Fuck him, I'm having fun.
I scratched it off in front of her. She leaned down in front of me. If only she'd been wearing a better shirt, I might have got to see something...
Nothing. Nada. Not a goddamn thing.
"Shit."
"Sorry. Can't go out with you now."
"You are too fucking cute, do you know that?" I looked right into her eyes. Winked. Probably looked like a total idiot. But goddammit, I was TRYING.
Big smile. The kind thar said "Yes, I am. And you are a fat repulsive fuck who is twice my age."
"Have a nice day."
"You too." Goddamn, quit smiling at me like that, you little...
I turned around and looked at her as I walked out the door. She flashed me another quick smile.
And all it actually cost me was one fucking dollar.
Hard,
Dougie