Resolution, Of A Sort

Resolution, Of A Sort

I avoided Layla for the most part. I intended to anyway, but just before the gig started, I walked halfway into a conversation between M and the alternate drummer. For a moment, I thought it was about ME. Turns out one of our regular hardcore fans (at nearly every gig for the past year) has actually been outright hitting on her.

I walked in while M was saying, "...nah, it doesn't really bothe rme. but I did have a really bad dream recently that she cheated on me. We totally trust each other, so it was weird to have a dream like that, but it felt terrible. The worst part was that in the dream, she wouldn't talk to me about it. I can't imagine what that must be like to have your spouse cheat on you. That has to be the worst feeling."

I felt like crawling under a rock.

When I found out who he was talking about, I was very relieved. Then, for no good reason, I found myself saying to the drummer - right in front of M - "I'm crazy about her too, but I also love him."

M said, "I know." And the smile on his face...it took all the load off of me, just like that.

He DOES know. Without saying it (though it was confirmed in a roundabout way a minute later) I got a LOT out of those two words and the peaceful, content look he gave me. He knows damn good and well I'm nuts about his wife. They talk about EVERYTHING, he said. He also knows I'll never actually do anything to betray him, and she won't either.

I felt clean again.

I left her alone, because of that, and because the other guy was there. I figured she'd put up with enough shit from him. Nice to know that just when I think I'm being an asshole, somebody comes along and actually DOES cross the line, making me look like a fucking saint.

Thank fuck for that, eh?

Before the second set, I got my guitar and went up to the mic.

"Well, most of you know that M and I are leaving the band soon, and I've already moved back to Cincinnati to be closer to my daughter. Which is a good thing. But leaving these guys behind isn't so good. I'm gonna miss 'em.

I'll be at two more gigs in September, but those will be a bit different than this. So since this will be the last time I get to do stuff by myself up here, I've learned two songs I'd like to share with you, that I havne't played out before.

The first one was written by Willie Nelson. you'll know Patsy Cline's version. I don't sound like Patsy Cline. Hell, I don't look like her either. Though sometimes late at night when nobody is around and the blinds are closed, I like to dress up like her.

Nah, that's not true. Actually I dress up like Tanya Tucker. Anyway, I must be crazy to be singing this..."

I learned Crazy last week. Not too many people who know me know that I have a certain love for old country. OLD country. The band does a few of those tunes, I did a few with Dennis on our ill-fated duo act. In the interest of adding variety to my solo thing, I'm doing some by myself. And I think that I've found a song that is just about perfect for me vocally. Hell of a thing, that. I pretty much nailed it to the wall (though I was a tad sloppy on the chords, I know shitloads of jazz chords, but this is the first time I've PLAYED any of them while singing) and got an amazing reaction.

I said a quick couple more things about how I'm going to miss these rotten swine who I love making noise with, then did Nick Lowe's Cruel To Be Kind. No, not with the anal-violation lyrics. I'll have to find the right crows for that one...

I enjoyed the gig a lot. My last time with the alt drummer, though I'm going to talk to the other guy about letting him sit in on a few tunes on my last gig with them next month.

I haven't quite let go of Layla's hold on me yet - I still had to work to keep my eyes off her - but hearing M talk about his marriage was downright inspiring. I feel that this bizarre, and not-a-little painful chapter is nearly closed. Dammit, I envy those two. I'll never have what they have, because I just don't have it in me to give myself to someone like they've given themselves to each other. I'm really going to miss them both.

I left this morning and went through Indianapolis. I intended to hook up with the magnificent D9, but he was off to Nashville to see Tom Waits, the lucky fuck.

I spent about half an hour in the area I lived in just six weeks ago. The library, the gas station behind the apartment. The dollar store.

I kinda wondered if H was still there. She wasn't. She was expecting her baby about now. I hope she's OK.

I did see J, the model chick, but she was on the phone. When I waved at her, though, she looked like she was freaking out. Still talking on the phone, but waving frantically at me with a huge open smile as if she was thrilled to see me again. Huh?

She looked amazing. As usual. She motioned a moment later as if to say she was stuck on the phone, then waved again. Damn. But I left. I wonder if she saw the pain on my face. I felt it. I don't know if it showed or not. Dammit. I'd like to have talked to her.

But I had another stop to make.

Amanda.

I barely looked at my old apartment as I drove right past it heading north. For the best, really.

This morning, I woke up insane again. I used to wake up with Amanda on the brain all the time. This morning the fuck-craving was almost unbearable. I knew it coulnd't truly be taken care of, but just to SEE her would be wonderful. So before heading out of Indy up here for the gig, I stopped at my favorite Steak & Shake.

She wasn't there. Shit-goddamn-fucky.

I felt my energy drain away almost immediately. Like all the air out of a balloon. Well, a nutsack...

P, the girl she always seems to be working with, told me that Amanda would normally be there, but it was her birthday and she had the weekend off.

"OK, I'm going to ask you, because I've never aksed her. How old is Amanda?"

"Just turned 25."

Holy shit.

I heard it come out of me as I was trying to back-pedal. "Wow, I thought she was almost 30, anyway...oh wait, don't tell her I said that!!"

As crazy as she makes me, I have to admit something - if Amanda has been 24 years old the whole time I've known her (right at about a year now) she needs to slow down. She DOES look older than that, and I've never been able to get a handle on how old she is, because she actually seems older than the late-20s I thought she actually was. The girl works her ASS off. And I am very sure from some comments she's made in the past year that she could drink me under the floorboards.

Those eyes. I've talked about them a lot. They are stellar. They turn me into BLUBBERING SHIT in nanoseconds. But part of that is the YEARS OF LIVING that comes through. And to think that she just turned 25...this girl has seen more shit than I might ever see. I've had 11 years on her this whole time, but I bet she's lived those eleven several times over.

Which still makes me want her. I'm attracted to that. But now...I doubt I could have handled her. I wondered about that the whole time anyway. Now, I'm sure of it. I think I've found resolution here, too. When I found out I missed my chance with her by moving away, it tore the FUCK out of me. Of all the women I've met and been nuts over in the past year or so, Amanda felt the most right. It felt like the most likely shot I had at being able to give as much as I'd take. Finding out she wanted me too, and I'd been TOO careful and had taken TOO much time on her, that SUCKED. We could have been together if I'd not been so damn over-careful.

But now...I'm glad I fucked it up. We may very well have had something very intense and fun for a while, but I bet it would have imploded very quickly. And I'm in no shape to lose another woman right now. Not another one I really care about. I've been HAPPY recently. To have Amanda and have the things that I was concerned about (a few of them, actually, though I'm not sure I wrote any of it down here since I've been blogging about her) actually hit the fan and then lose her...no, I don't think I'd have come out of that well at all.

This has only happend with women I've met in the past year, oddly enough, but now that another brick has been placed in my view of Amanda, I can honestly say "Wow, I'm REALLY glad I didn't fuck that."

Glad, but still pained. If I could have bottled up the insane desire I had for her body this morning...holy fuck...I WANTED her.

Well, I guess it's back to wanting to ass-fuck teenagers again. Wheeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!! I've found my calling!

Hellbound,
Dougie

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