My Brain Hurts, Mr. Gumby!

My Brain Hurts, Mr. Gumby!

Weird shit going on in my head.

Last night on the way home from Indianapolis (I went up on a last minute whim since I wans't working, and met my parents, then went over to the fabulous d9's for a while) I was almost to the rest area near Batesville, when suddenly I completely forgot where I was. I mean FORGOT WHERE I WAS. There was a little piece of my brain (this is what it felt like, anyway) that knew and was trying to tell the rest, but most of it was completely clueless as to what I was doing on this highway, a highway that I wasn't sure was I-74, I-70, I-69, I-75, or I-71, all of which I've driven on regularly for a long time now.

It took a couple minutes of fighting through a very weird fog to remember I was on I-74, heading south, towards the rest area just past Batesville.

I was rather tired, and I think most of us have weird shit happen when we're tired, but I've been more sleep-deprived than this, and it was just fucked-up.

I laid the car seat back and rested for half an hour at the rest area, and drove home feeling fine.

For the past couple days I've had sudden bursts of absolute anger and hatred flash up. This has happened before, but there's been MORE of it. Seemingly out of nowhere, directed at things or people that I thought I was over. Old shit. Nothing current. And I've swerved between being quite content, and wanting to rip somebody's head off and shit down their neck more times in the last few days than I have in a long time.

I also keep losing my phone, but that's shit everyone does.

I'm very acutely aware of what is going on in my head at all times. I HAVE to be. I've had to learn how to recognize this shit before it takes over. But I've felt a loss of control recently that bothers me, and I don't know why it's happening. Well, maybe I know part of it...

Before leaving Indy last night, I drove through the area I used to live in. Powerful waves of confused emotions there. I realize that it's not the place itself I miss as much as the feeling of autonomy I had there. It was MY space. I didn't have any serious ties there, the people I cared about were all at least an hour and a half drive away. Which made for some frustrations, of course, but it also felt like I'd set myself apart, had found a level of independence I'd never had before. I wasn't there because I had to be, I was there because it was where I CHOSE to live.

And I'm not feeling that anymore. In fact, I'm feeling a bit desparate again, because I'm back to being very dependent on others in order to survive, and I HATE that shit. I don't think the people I've had to turn to for help over the years realize just how much cognitive dissonance that causes in me. *I* sure fucking feel it, though.

I drove to Indy mostly for more help from my parents, in addition to getting some of my stuff back to bring down here. And I'm sick of asking them for help. I HAVE to, but I'm fucking sick of it. They helped out a bit here and there before, but not nearly as much, it wans't nearly as vital to me being able to get shit done.

I think this is all catching up with me. And I don't like where it's leading me, or what my fucking head feels like. I've had to fight my way out of the fog a lot in the past several years, but I was feeling like that was past, and now I'm having shit happen like last night. Something is wrong with my chemicals, and I need to figure out what it is, get it back into balance.

Or maybe I just need to assfuck a teenage girl and...OK, I'm full of shit. That ain't the answer either.

Well, it sure wouldn't HURT.

Not if you use a lot of lube, that is.

OK, I feel better now.

Love,
Dougie