Kontakt!

Kontakt!

There are people who pay $400 for fake Christmas trees. These people scare me. Today, I put together a few of these trees, marked down to the amazingly low price of $279, and they were SHIT. Wobbly, badly concieved pieces of shit that could not possibly be put together properly. Welcome to the wide world of outlet malls, boys and girls.

If I've learned anything in my past year and a half of temp jobs, it's that American business is FUCKED. Ran by bottom-line seeking DIPSHITS hacking out POOT for consumer robots too fucking stupid to know how badly their ASS IS BLEEDING when they buy this wretched crap, whatever it might be. Americans aren't worth two shits at MAKING anything anymore, but we sure can SHOP for stuff. Usually while eating. We're a bunch of fat fucking consumer shitheads, boys and girls. THIS is what we work 40 hours a week for? Christ, we're idiots. We aren't into learning, or expanding ourselves and our life experiences, or EVOLVING. We're into buying crap, eating crap, and watching crap on TV. And for pointing this out, I'm "cynical" Yeah, right. The fucker who is making a FORTUNE off your fat ass is the cynical one, fuckface.

My fat ass ate a burger tonight. Pretty damn good one at Red Robin. My move away from fast food is going well, but sometimes ya need a fuckin' dead-cow-burger, and I liked the one I had tonight pretty fuckin' well. Tomorrow I'm going to bake squash and fuck with potatoes. Tonight I had some cow.

Speaking of cows, I was listening to Peter Gabriel singing in German today. OK, not the best transition. But bear with me here.

Gabriel re-recorded the vocals on some of his material in German, and you can get his third and fourth albums entirely in German, also with some interesting changes to the musical mixes, which sometimes are preferable to the English versions. In fact, these albums KICK ASS, because Gabriel's voice and this particular phase of his career (arguably his two most interesting albums) are VERY conducive to the effect brought on by these German lyrics. I'm in love with both these albums anyway, since they've been an invaluable part of my psyche since high school, and to hear them delivered with the menace and balls of the German recordings is pretty fuckin' awesome, baby.

The German version of Wallflower (on the fourth album, also known as Security) cracks me up. The phrase "hold on", repeated several times, sounds like "livestock" in German. I don't know German worth a shit, maybe somebody can help me here.

So I'm driving towards my temp office after work to get my check, and pass the farm by Katie's neighborhood. I saw the cows about 5 seconds before Gabriel starting singing about livestock, or whatever the fuck he's saying in German.

It's very passionate, serious, intense. Livestock.

Everytime I'd hear "livestock", I'd lean out the window and yell "Moooooooooo!!!!!!" I swear to you, one of those cows gave me a dirty look.

I played it for Katie tonight, and when we got to The Family & The Fishing Net (one of the more bizarre and truly fuckin' wonderful things PG ever did, if you ask me) I told her about "die familie und das fischernetz." Is that a great word or what? Das Fischernetz. Sounds like a fuckin' gang of German criminals. "We are Das Fischernetz! We shall fuck you! Seig trout! Seig trout!"

Somebody is going to be offended by that.

Katie was walking through the post office with me saying "das fischernetz" over and over again. I was LOSING MY SHIT laughing at her. How cool.

But the best is Shock Den Affen. I told Katie that "affen" is German for monkey (but didn't tell her about the video, probably my favorite music video ever, since I don't think Katie could handle that particular wackjob Jungian horror-show without severe psychological damage), then proceded to sing along with something that went from "shock den affen" to "Shock Ben Affleck", which I think is pretty fucking funny. Katie, of course, has no idea what the fuck I'm on about.

I drove home on a dark country highway screaming "Shock Ben Affleck, der schmuck!" in the stupidest excuse for a German accent in non-recorded history. And that my friends, is why I'll never be the President.

Well, that and the Internet porn. I'm outta here, fuckers. Nighty-night!

Love,
Dougie