Orgasms Beget Contentment

Orgasms Beget Contentment

So, I was doing an MSN search for things she would stick in her pussy first, and...

Oh...

Ever notice how fucking stupid people are? I do. I've been hanging out on myspace recently, and I found a profile for a girl who lives right here in this town, a very cute 18-year old.

But I read this and immediately started looking for other profiles: "I can't stand to be alone for more than 5 minutes! I just NEED my friends!"

Must...escape...torrents of...douche-wash...Spooooooooooooock!!!!!!!

What kind of deranged misfit can't be alone for five minutes? What will happen if somebody has to go take a shit and they've had the Speedy Gonzales and don't come back for, oh, six minutes? Are you going to slit your wrists with a rusty tuna can lid, you goofy cunt?

You "NEED" your friends? OK, I kinda see this. We all need friends, Someone who we can depend on to love us, listen to us, have fun with us, clean the puke off us and drag us out of the toilet to the car after we've gotten hammered out of our skulls on cheap bourbon because that WHORE wouldn't accept our awkward, juvenille sexual advances. Yeah, I get that.

But NEED in this context implied something that bugs me, as I sit here totally alone on a Saturday afternoon. And ENJOYING it.

Loneliness in an underrated concept. Sure, we humans don't want to be alone all the time. Companionship, friendship, someone-to-fuckship, all those things are important. And hey, I've not only been wanting to fuck, I've been wanting something a little more "meaningful" too. Well, mostly I want to fuck. Let's be honest here. One thing at a time now. Sure, I'll hold your hand on moonlit nights after a candlelit dinner and warm conversation. But first, can you deepthroat? I mean, I won't hold it against you if you don't, but I'm just asking here. That's all. I'm just INQUIRING. And hoping. With all that is within me...

But goddammit, I LIKE being alone sometimes. If I could deepthroat myself, I'd just stay in and order out for pizza and beer. And lozenges.

See, friends are great, I love mine, some of them happen to be some of you reading this stupid shit, and I love you fuckers. I love that I can call you "fuckers", because THAT is friendship. "I love you, fucker." "Sure, assface. I love you too." It's fuckin' BEAUTIFUL, ya know?

But the fact is, we're humans, and that means we get sick of each other. Your best friend in the world is eventually gonna make you want to go home and get away from the annoying bastard, just like YOU are going to make them sick and tired. I know my friends get sick of me. I'm annoying as hell and not that much fun. I ACCEPT that, because it's human goddamn nature.

Some days, you just need to stay in and forget about people. I slept nine hours solid last night, the most sleep I've had in what feels like biological EPOCHS, I'm sucking down coffee and eating one of my more lame stir-fry experiments (I somehow undercooked the rice, and am low on all the cool shit I like to throw in there, but hey, I've got loads of garlic and baby corn), listening to Joe Pass (I think ONLY single guys listen to Joe - you don't tend to have on a Joe Pass album when sixteen drunken women are in the room and the pork chops are almost done on the grill, it's just kinda made for the bachelor experience - but goddamn, I'd give a nut to play like that) and I don't even care if I SEE my own dick today, let alone use it for anything more than pissing away all this coffee and water I'm living on.

Well, OK. If the phone rang or there was a knock at the door and it was some chick saying "Me and my friend decided to have a dicksucking contest and we thought you'd make an excellent judge." then I'd get my socks on and get out the door, get the day MOVING. I ain't STUPID. I'm also not sitting here expecting that phone call to happen. Praying, yes. Expecting, no.

You just get sick of people in general sometimes. the half hour I went out today to the store, it occurred to me just how fucking annoying PEOPLE are. I went through the bank drive-up for quarters to do laundry (goddammit, I miss being able to do laundry right here) and there were six people in line, and all of them were apparantly cashing checks from somewhere in Uganda and making change from a buffalo nickel, because it took CENTURIES. Then I go to the dollar store, and as I'm waiting behind people who apparantly buy EVERYTHING at the dollar store, because they've got 1100 items to my two, a kid starts screaming. In the line next to me. For no apparant reason. And his mom doesn't do SHIT.

I love parents. You want to slap the fuck out of these cunts. This kid is sending bad signals up every spinal column in sight, and his mom doesn't even LOOK at him. Lady, I'm sure you might even have half a reason to expect your kid is not gonna shut up no matter what you do, I know that happens, but PRETEND to be interested. because right now you look like a CUNT, and your kid's annoying Cheetos-and-Wal-Mart-bran d-soft-drink-fuelled scream is making my TOENAILS scream for mercy.

It's either that numb bitch, or the one who immediately gets over-embarrassed and starts yelling at the kid like he's a puppy that shit on the floor. You know, the idiots that prove that there's something to the theory that you should pass an IQ test before you're allowed to have a kid, because some parents will yell at a kid or beat the shit out of him over NOTHING. Yeah, THOSE Toby Keith-listening motherfuckers. And I'm standing here thinking "THESE shitbags are fucking nightly in their trailer, producing scores of waterhead Jiffy Lube employees, and I can't get ONE blowjob a year? What the FUCK???"

By the way, I also saw a pretty damn cute girl who couldn't have been 20 holding hands walking through the parking lot with a guy who had to have a few years on me. So sometimes I find hope. Not much, but...

Now for the painfully honest shit.

The thing that bugs me when I turn all this stuff back on myself and get more serious is that I have a basic selfishness that I wish I didn't - when I talk about wanting to be alone, I ain't lying. But when I DO want to be around someone, it's usually pretty selfish. I TRY not to do that, but I know I have a strong amount of "Be here when I need you, and go the fuck away when I don't" and I'm not too thrilled to find that in myself.

Of course, if I got LAID more than once evry time Halley's Comet takes a shit on Uranus, I might be a little less wrapped up in myself. Women don't seem to understand that. "You're not very nice." Yeah, because MY ARM HURTS. If you'd FUCK me once in a while, I'd get a tad more cheery. ORGASMS BEGET CONTENTMENT. Don't forget that, ladies.

Love (and backed-up semen),
Dougie

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