Change Of Plans
10.08.06 (10:02 pm) [edit]Got a call when I was half an hour from home. Katie was looking at my picutre and wanted to talk to me.
We talked about seeing each other Tuesday, and other stuff, and she was being very sweet. When we were done, she went off to find Mommy, who was on another phone with work at the time.
The line got quiet,a little bit of noise here and there,and I heard Katie in the back calling for Mommy.A minute later she was crying "I miss my Daddy so much!'
That ripped my fucking chest apart.
I'm going to pick her up tomorrow and cut my day I'd planned for myself in half. This is more important right now.
I had been thinking about her when she called, because I'd been thinking again about how much of a CUNT my own dad has been to me for years and how I don't want to do that to her. I don't want to make her feel left out. I don't want to make her hate me as much as I still hate him, because he's made NO effort to rectify ANYTHING. I'm an asshole too, but I'm TRYING. That fucking cocksucker gave up trying years ago.
Every time I'm back in Marion now, with the band, it pains me to think about how much easier it would have been to do everything I'm trying to do now if I'd just stayed in Indianapolis. Then I come back to Katie and remember why I had to leave.
And because I'm still trying to weed out the SHIT that was drilled into me my whole life about how everything is supposed to be black and white - which is such HORSESHIT - I'm still having a hard time putting two and two together without my head hurting.
The ongoing mix of shit in my head trying to juggle every goddamn thing in my life only gets worse. But being with Katie only gets better.I can't wait to see her tomorrow.
Love,
Dougie
posted by: jhillst (reply)
post date: 10.09.06 (11:25 am)
I agree. I don't know all the details, but I think I can understand why you and Sheryl had to be separated. But with all that in mind, the fact that you cared enough to stay in close proximity to her in order to give support to Katie is very touching.
I recently became an uncle myself, and it's amazing to see my brother's whole attitude toward life change since he became a father. I appreciate how you manage to make time for Katie as well in everything you do.
posted by: eraserhead667 (reply)
post date: 10.09.06 (7:32 pm)
Sheryl and I are very different and have very different priorities, but I still really LIKE her. And we're not far apart at all when it comes to what we want for Katie. She's just much better at providing some things than I am, and I give her the part I'm capable of. It is better this way, but it's not always fun when we have to be apart that long.
If anything, my approach to life has only sharpened, but I have to work around what's best for Katie. I can't let her in on most of what goes on in my head. She ain't ready for that shit. But I'm also not going to pretend that my life has to revolve totally around her at the expense of my own personality. That's horseshit invented by spineless yuppies. "Oh,I can't drink with you anymore,I have RESPONSIBILITIES." No, you have a MORTGATE. That's the only difference. I hate watching everyone my age becoming a bunch of pussies, turning into our parents. Hell, for ten years I've heard guys my age bitching about newer music as if those damn kids and their crazy rock and roll are ruining everything. Not like the good old days when we had REAL music like Poison and Winger, right? Jesus Fucking Christ...
I give her what I can and I'm proudthat it's more than most fathers give, but I'm not changing who I AM for her, because that's a fucking mistake. Even if I am an asshole.
Sorry, I got carried away there foraminute. LOL.
posted by: eraserhead667 (reply)
post date: 10.09.06 (7:35 pm)
I can't spell mortgage.
posted by: jhillst (reply)
post date: 10.09.06 (8:07 pm)
Most of today's mainstream music is BETTER than it was 15-20 years ago, if you ask me. Hell, even disco was pretty good compared to that hair metal shit from the late 80's. ("To HEEEEEEELLLLLL WITH THE DEVILLLLLL..." Uggh.)
I think all of us have a "dark" side that we try to hide from certain people. One of my best friends right now is a mother of two who's also the wife of a pastor. She's a great person to talk to, but I always have to be careful not to swear around her or reveal too much about my not-so-Christian tendencies. I like her a lot, but I'm afraid she'd be uncomfortable if she knew certain things about me.
posted by: eraserhead667 (reply)
post date: 10.09.06 (8:12 pm)
Yeah, but I met you talking about '80s Genesis, so we're both fucked. LOL.
Dude, you wouldn't believe the shit I've NOT written about here. Call your friend. I'll make her hair turn white. :)