Five Things That Piss Me Off
10.25.06 (1:00 pm) [edit]1.) Sprint salesmen. I asked for you to give me an extra 100 minutes on my plan. I did NOT ask for an entirely new plan and a new phone that's going to cost me more money than what I just asked for. I do not need a new phone. I don't need a phone that is a camera, or gets online, or does my laundry, or has a special ass-scrubbing sponge attachment, or that files my taxes for me while playing Mozart's 479th Symphony in Fuckface Minor performed by the International House Of Douchebags Choir with the London Philharmonic. I just need a lower phone bill and a phone that doesn't require me to stand on a hilltop with my nuts wrapped in tinfoil to be able to hear the person on the other end. Got that? No? FUCK you then, Mr. Sprint Salesman.
2.) Myself for being stupid enough to consider Wal-Mart for ANYTHING when I already know better. I need to get an oil change today. I'm low on cash. OK, I'll go take a chance here since everyone else is charging more for oil changes than hookers do for rim jobs. Not that I know anything about the basic price structure involved in that.
Seriously, I don't. I'm just getting IDEAS, that's all.
Well, I've still got a coupon elsewhere that is better than this Wal-Mart's price, and not only that, once I got inside to discover the price, I couldn't get back out the door that I just came through, only couple hundred yards from the car. So, because NOBODY was around to explain this to me or give a shit, I walked around the entire store to get out, and was reminded once again how much I fucking HATE Wal-Mart and every corporate thing they fucking stand for, especially when I saw seven people standing in ONE line becaause it was the only one open out of...what...nine hundred? FUCK Wal-Mart in their green-lined asshole.
3.) Is there ANY piece of dirt left on this planet that isn't being set aside for another building project from some chain store that we already have a zillion of? Do we need a Walgreens pharmacy EVERY FIFTEEN FEET? If you're gonna put a new fucking store up, can it at least be DIFFERENT? Every goddamn shopping center is the same now. I can't walk out my front door without tripping over fucking Wal-Marts. I've got an Applebee's opening next week on my left testicle, and they're currently investigating the potential environmental effects of constructing a BP station, a CVS, and a Cracker Barrel in my anus.
Whatever happened to Bertha Mae's Neighborhood Market? Oh yeah, it got bought up, chewed up, and spit back out in the form of a Circle K.
America - where everything looks the same.
4.) If I'm trying to get pussy from you, just say no and walk away if you aren't interested. Don't start questioning why I like coffee black instead of dumping special organic Brazillian raspberrys and soy milk into it, as if I'm a LEPER. "Well, I don't understand why somebody would come to a place like this with all these options and drink their coffee black." Sweetheart, the only reason I'm paying 2 bucks for a cup of coffee to begin with is because I thought it might make an interesting alternative to paying 5 bucks for beer trying to get pussy in those places. I was wrong. My mistake. Now take your doucheaccino and pour it into your frosty CUNT. Is this what American culture produces now? COFFEE snobs? Jesus jumping cocoa bean CHRIST.
5.) I'm sure I'll think of a fifth thing by the end of the day.
Love,
Dougie
posted by: d9 (reply)
post date: 10.25.06 (7:34 pm)
Dude. Google "Dave Barry kopi luwak coffee" and read about some REAL fucked up shit. Also, laugh your ass off. But seriously, if you think coffee culture is just now becoming a bit weird, that shit hit the fan about eight years ago.
posted by: eraserhead667 (reply)
post date: 10.25.06 (8:59 pm)
But see, I'm about eight years behind on everything. :)
posted by: lovelikeliquid (reply)
post date: 10.26.06 (5:43 am)
i was really having a shitty morning, but somehow.. you rant makes everything seem ... relative.
thanks for driving my frustration towards corporate america!
posted by: CinciGreg (reply)
post date: 10.26.06 (10:09 am)
They had coffee flavored coffee? Weird. Henry Rollins has a great WalMart rant on youtube, but the filter here won't let me post the link (understandably, to defeat spammers).
posted by: eraserhead667 (reply)
post date: 10.26.06 (11:34 am)
I just made some cheap-ass coffee. Starbucks must die. (The place I was at wasn't a Starbucks, but I'm just feeling a general fuckyouosity towards everything today.)
I'll go find that Rollins thing. I think I'll like that.