The Heart Of The Matter

The Heart Of The Matter

One of my friends is recovering from a tonsilectomy tonight. Take care, Abby. Get well soon.

As of tonight, my Dad is officially retired. Almost twelve years ago he was forced into an early retirement from the corporate pilot job he'd had for over twenty years. He got a great severance deal, but he had to accept half the retirement money he would have got if he'd been able to wait until age 65, so he had to take on another job, selling tools at a home improvement store.

They're throwing a going-away party for him tonight. He turned 65 back in January, and it's time. I'm very happy for him.

I still carry an awful lot of resentment in me for what he did to me psychologically when I was younger, but I have to be fair and say that he's loosened up considerably in the last several years. Becoming a grandfather has been good for him, and even before then - I remember looking out into the crowd during my wedding and experiencing one of the very, very few times I've seen my father cry - he's become easier to deal with. Still far too confident in his mastery of the universe than is good for anyone, but he's TRIED to do what is right his whole life, and while I feel he's chosen the easy way out again and again...I have too sometimes. I have more in common with him than I usually care to admit, but maybe that's not always such a bad thing.

I've been told that the current job will last past Thanksgiving. it's been somewhat day to day since I started a few weeks ago (and I had two days off this week because of a lack of communication) but it's really not been that bad. Essentially, I'm a janitor, cleaning up behind a construction crew. But the people are mostly good to work for, the pay is better, and I'm mostly left to myself.

One guy is a bit annoying, though also somewhat entertaining. One of the contractors. He's WAAAAY into Jesus, and feels no inhibition about telling EVERYONE. He at least has SOME sense of humour, but it gets old quick.

I've mostly kept to myself (the only reason I went on the drag race run with a few of the guys was because I happened to be pushing a broom by them when they started talking cars, and I mentioned my friend's Chevelle) so few of them have any idea of me being anything other than the quiet guy with the broom and mop.

The Jesus freak apparantly gets on more nerves than mine. He has a habit of going into ridiculously over-serious "blood of the lamb, sacrifice of Christ for the sins of the world" nonsense that makes my skin crawl. But I got a good laugh from the Chevelle guy when I said "Damn, he must have drank a LOT before he found Jesus." I mean, come on, to be that much into that shit you either have to be born into it or have to have fucked up your life so bad that you are essentially trading vices - Jesus ultimately being no better than alcoholism when it comes to douchebags like this.

So, from now on, in tribute to his narrow tunnel-vision, I christen him The Jesus Faggot. Given his tirade today about "the evil of homosexuality in the sight of the Lord", I think it's only appropriate.

They spent ten minutes today arguing over the radio. The other guys (who cranked up a Pantera CD after he left yesterday, and lemme tell ya, that's some great shit to push a broom to) were wanthing the heavy alterno-rock station. The Jesus Faggot wanted country.

Now why isn't THAT a fucking surprise?

After whining about "that heavy metal crap" the others were into, he yelled over at me. "Hey, what do you like to listen to?"

I'd planned this one in advance. Shit, I'd never have done this good on the fly...

"The sound of young children and their pets screaming as I sacrifice them on a bloody altar of sin to my dark Lord Satan."

The other guys EXPLODED laughing. The Jesus Faggot - to his credit - waved me off with a baffled redneck chuckle and turned the radio to the country station.

Going back to some old Don Henley albums tonight. I've usually regarded Don as a bit too rigid and soft to be as cool as he wishes he could be, and too polite to have the edge he tries to pull off, but I've been surprised tonight to go back to The End Of The Innocence and Building The Perfect Beast and find more examples of thoughtful, incisive, and creative shit underneath the layers of production and radio-friendliness than I'd remembered.

I've come a long way in the past couple years since she asked me to leave, and I've managed to drop all but the last traces of the anger I felt for far too long, but I hope she doesn't mind me going the other way and entering into some sentimentaiism tonight as I find myself crying a little while listening to one of Don's sappier yet somehow highly effective hits

I got the call today, I didnt wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old, true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you'd found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?

I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again
I've been tryin' to get down
To the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think its about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
And people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age?
The trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill I guess
Pride and competition
Cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us
You know it doesn't keep me warm

I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
And the more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I'd figured out
I have to learn again
I've been trying to get down
To the heart of the matter
But everything changes
And my friends seem to scatter
But I think its about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

There are people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
You better put it all behind you baby, 'cause life goes on
You keep carrying that anger, it'll eat you up inside, baby

I've been trying to get down
To the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think its about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me

I've been trying to get down
To the heart of the matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinking about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me

Sooner or later it all gets real, walk on,
Dougie