Get Off My Cloud
12.21.06 (5:48 pm) [edit]"I've been saving it up, yeah, saving it up..." - Mike Keneally
How the FUCK am I gonna keep from jerking off in an attempt to make tomorrow night that much better when she keeps sending these emails about how much she wants me?
Twenty-six hours..................................
Un-fuck-believable. I am floored. My brain isn't like a sieve tonight, it's like a BROKEN THING. Snapped in two by the things she says to me, the power of this woman's desire for ME. Stupid dumbass me. Gawd, she is in for SUCH disappointment when she discovers how much of a prick I can be........
But not in bed, dammit. Not there. it overflows me with fucking rage to know that this girl has only ever been with men who didn't give her back a FRACTION of the effort she gave to them in bed. She comes off like a CRAZED COCK-ADDICT who does everything possible to please her man. Nobody has done shit for her.
I suck at a lot of things. I blew my marriage all to hell, I've been a MASSIVE failure at most of the things I was supposed to do for the few women who took the time to care about me, and I still feel like a FUCKHEAD because of it. I've got a LOT of work to do.
But goddamn it, at least give it a shot in the sack, guys. What the fuck? I'm probably not all that great in bed, but I fucking TRY. Seems most of you fuckers just drop yer load in the cum dumpster and move on. ASSHOLES. Get that woman off. She was nice enough to fuck and suck YOUR sorry self, return the goddamn favor, shitheads.
I'm on your side, ladies. But don't think I'm letting you off easy either. Women who don't give head - what the fuck is YOUR problem??? It cuts both ways, motherfuckers. Do every goddamn nasty dirty filthy sinful delicious thing to your partners you can, or SHUT THE FUCK UP.
She's 29. And I get to munch on that first. The sense of being on A MISSION FROM GOD is almost overwhelming. Oh....I am gonna make this girl COME, goddammit, or spend four hours digging through my toolbox TRYING to find a way. This is IMPORTANT. I've got some serious making up for past failures to do, and since I haven't figured out yet how to be worth a damn at anything else, I'm gonna SUCK THAT PUSSY.
Call me shallow at your own peril. I want to ROCK THIS GIRL'S WORLD. After the last week, I'm convinced she totally deserves it.
And she wants to rock mine. Holy shit. Unfathomable. Insane. Dear Jesus, please, whatever drugs she is on, do NOT let them wear off until Saturday. Let's MAINTAIN THE ILLUSION of my rockin' power a little longer, Lord. YOU know I'm an idiot, *I* know I am. Let's just not let her onto it until I come, OK? I NEED this like a guy stuck in the desert with broken legs needs a drink of water. I am gonna SNAP if I don't fuck soon. You better help me out here, Lord, because if you don't, you're gonna have ME on your hands.
I need to stop talking to my family.
Everyone gets so forward-thinking all of a sudden. Why do I bother to tell them ANYTHING? I alreayd KNOW they're gonna say stupid shit that will make me want to break things, why do I keep going back like an Alzheimer's patient and expecting them NOT to be fools?
"Oh, she might be the one." "Oh, she might be just what you need." "Maybe this will last." "Maybe you can settle down again." "Maybe you can have more kids."
Maybe you can SHUT THE FUCK UP.
Jesus creeping shit, I haven't even FUCKED her yet. We've done almost NOTHING. For all I know, tomorrow might implode on itself and NOTHING WILL COME OF THIS AT ALL. Least of all me.
Why are people such douchebags?
I'm trying to simply enjoy the feeling from day to day right now. I almost don't care WHAT happens, because I'm in the moment right now, which is where I NEED to be. I HATE micro-managing paranoid shitheads who "plan" for shit they ultimately have little or no control over and have no business planning for in the first place.
"Oh, she might be perfect for you." Then I will RUN. I do NOT want that right now. Anyone "perfect" is gonna be so totally FUCKED if they waste their time on me right now, it's not even funny. Christ, what is up with you people?
They want me to be married and boring and living the same stupid idiot noneventful life they are, because THAT IS ALL THEY KNOW.
Fuck them.
Republicans in the audience, I have a great idea for you. You're the ones really into stupid laws about marriage, I've got a REALLY stupid one for you that is ultimately more realistic than the shit you've got now:
NOBODY SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO MARRY UNTIL THEY ARE SIXTY YEARS OLD.
Nobody. Queers, straight, people who like to fuck the lawnmower, NOBODY.
Think about it. Marriage is about love and commitment and spending your life with someone and never fucking anyone else ever again.
Who the fuck under age 60 needs THAT kind of shit?
It's unnatural. It's WRONG. It's a plot cooked up by women in the Catholic church to stamp out oral sex.
OK, I stole that last line from Bill Maher. Sue me.
Stanhope's rants on this are right on the mark - if marriage didn't exist, would you invent it? "Baby, this thing we've got is so powerful, we've gotta get the GOVERNMENT involved!" Promising somebody to love them forever is like promising to be LUCKY forever. It MAKES NO SENSE. There's nothing wrong with giving it a shot and seeing what happens, more power to ya if you can make it work, but why put it on PAPER and make it into a LEGAL thing? That's outdated religious horseshit thinking, people. It's FUCKING STUPID. There is NO reason to go through all the stupid bullshit paperwork just to give some weird legitimacy to LOVE. Why invite lawyers into love? Yeah, love each other, maybe give it a shot at lasting for the restof your lives if that is what you really feel can happen, but STOP THE PRETEND SHIT.
You know who is most offended at what I just said? WOMEN. I guaran-fucking-tee it.
Oh, you LOVED it when I ranted about guys who don't eat pussy, but NOW I'm an asshole! Yeah, I see how it works, ladies...
I've got this maybe six times in the last month. When am I gonna find a nice girl and get married again?
Three answers:
1.) Until Saturday, I couldn't find a woman within 900 miles to GIVE ME THE TIME OF DAY. Let's take this shit one thing at a time, OK, assholes?
2.) I'd rather CHEW MY OWN DICK OFF than get married again and run the risk of fucking up as bad as I did the first time.
3.) I don't WANT a nice girl. I want a COCK-CRAZED NYMPHO who is a cross between a woman and an industrial vacuum cleaner.
And, against all odds, I might just be getting number three tomorrow night. I don't fucking believe it.
I am riding a wave here, a cloud. This past week has been intensely amazing, and I havne't even touched her yet. The promise of what awaits me tomorrow night has me about to lose my mind. It almost doens't even matter if something comes along and fucks it all apart. I LOVE the shit I'm feeling right now, I don't give a SHIT about long-term planning at this point in my life, I have no REASON to, and anyone who tries to come up here and fuck with my ride is getting knocked right the fuck upside the head.
Hey you, get offa my cloud.
Love,
Dougie