Disconnected

Disconnected

"I can saw a woman in two
But you won't want to look in the box when I do
I can make love disappear
For my next trick I'll need a volunteer
I can pull a rabbit out of a hat
I can pull it out but I can't put it back
I can make love disappear
For my next trick I'll need a volunteer
It's lonely up here
When the tricks have been played
And the spotlights have faded
And the plans that we made have fallen apart
It's lonely as hell and there's no magic spell
For a broken heart
You can put me in chains and I will escape
Better not wait up 'cause I might be late
I can make love disappear
For my next trick I'll need a volunteer"
- Warren Zevon


I actually feel pretty good. Just disconnected.

I walked over to E's tonight, asked her how she was doing. Seems to be fine. If she's feeling anything more from what we did this afternoon than I am, she's very good at not letting it show. Which was why it seemed OK at the time. Neither of us had been laid in a long time, we both just needed SOMETHING, and there seemed to be very little emotion attached to it. Which was what made it kinda empty and devoid of any true substance, but...I'm fine with that if she is. I know full well that I didn't get what I really wanted. But what I got...yeah, that was OK. Definitely.

I met her a couple weeks ago out in the parking lot. We talked about music and genealogy and war. She's ex-military, her whole family has served. She was in the first Gulf War. But we have very similar views on current events. Meeting another person who despises Bush as much as I do was the first thing that tipped me off that she was OK. I saw her again briefly once after that, not much more than "Hi, how ya doin'?"

Yesterday she knocked on my door and left me a couple books on genealogy. I was hiding behind the door naked for five minutes talking to her. There was...odd tension.

Saw her again last night, spent a few minutes at her place. Felt VERY out of balance and was convinced that she thought I was insane.

She showed up again today. We talked for an hour, then spent two hours in bed.

It seemed like the right thing to do at the time. And now after a while has passed...yeah, I'm glad we did. It was like being 16 in the back of a car, we were both so far out of practice. Kinda awkward and ridiculous, but she seemed just to be happy that someone wanted her at all, and me...yeah, pretty much the same thing.

Nice lady. She's 37 in a few weeks. I'll be 37 in April. I feel very little towards her, but I like her well enough and hope this turns out OK. If we do this again, that's fine. If not, that's fine too.

I'm amazed at how little I truly feel about this.

Getting a myspace message from Caitlin did more for me.

A nice friendly reminder that she's taken. Heh. But she's incredibly cool to me and said that she hoped we could be good friends. Accepted my friend request and I'm happy just to know that a knockout young lady like her likes talking to me, enjoys the CD I gave her, and thinks enough of me to talk about setting me up with one of her friends. She's got that incredible, delicious edge to her, and I'd love to have her as mine, but it ain't gonna happen and I'm accepting that a lot easier than I thought I would. I guess after two years of complete SHIT luck with women, I'll take anything I can get.

I think D and I are going to be much more restrained now. Not nearly as much communication in the past few days, but she did call briefly tonight while I had Katie here, and I know we'll still be keeping in touch. Whatever happens happens, I guess.

Back and forth on the phone with text messages to South Dakota. I was afraid I'd done something to lose her, it's been two weeks. But the one woman in ALL of this bizarre past month or so who seems to actually understand me is still around, and I'd give up all the rest just to fly out there and be with her. It won't happen. Which...yeah, that's OK too, I guess. Suddenly having the attention of FOUR women is pretty amazing. I just want Abby most of all.

Fripp and Eno's No Pussyfooting in Winamp. Insert your own joke here.

Love,
Dougie

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The thing that's sticking with me the most right now (Nektar remembering the future in my speakers) is the incredible scent of a woman that's left on me, hours later. That's...yeah, I don't regret today at all...

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