Bill Clinton's Cock (Slight Return)

Bill Clinton's Cock (Slight Return)

06.21.04 (9:37 am)   [edit]
Well, my prayers are finally answered. I'd dreamed of the day when my fine country could once again find something to distract it from the true issues of the day, something on the magnitude of that Great Distractor itself, Bill Clinton's Cock. Once upon a time, Republicans took time off from their usual shit, and used Bill Clinton's Cock to divert our attention from the things that actually affected the lives of most Americans.

Who'd have thunk that the Cock itself would return once more?

Bill Clinton's autobiography is our big story this week. Never mind deaths and torture and shit in Iraq, THIS is our big news! Hallelujah! What a perfect thing to bond us together as a nation (or at least, as a large group of pseudo-conservatives and faithful lap-dog journalist fuckers, the rest of the country probably doesn't give two fucks, seeing as how it doesn't AFFECT them) and let us relive once again the days when oral sex could threaten our national security! What a joy!

I kinda wish Clinton hadn't bothered us with this book for a while (and let's be honest, it's not like the guy doesn't love the publicity, why else did he write it to begin with?), because no matter what he might have to say about things that might actually matter, the only thing we're going to hear for the next few weeks is "Is he sincere when he apologizes for his sexual adventures?"

(Well, we'll hear other things. You know, like the fact that John Kerry took money from a...wait for it...A CRIMINAL! Oh my freakin' holy gosh! Politicians taking money from morally unsound individuals? The HORROR! Quick! Somebody call Enron headquarters! I bet Ken Lay has NEVER heard of this shit! My own first thought when reading the headline about Kerry taking campaign money from the arrested son of a former South Korean president was "What was he arrested FOR? Driving drunk on Texas highways? Nahhh, that'll never happen...")

But because our great nation contains so many sexually-repressed dilholes with no sense of reality, that question of Clinton's sincerity will be a hot topic for a while. Personally, I don't give two-fifths of a sideways cream-filled fuck. I still say what I said then - if ANYONE needs a blowjob, it's the asshole who gets to push the little red button that fucks it all up for the rest of us. More power to ya, Bill.

But seriously, we all know he did wrong. He did. Let's not pretend otherwise, and all jokes aside, the guy not only did wrong, but he was a total prick-fuck who, at the time, couldn't take any responsibility whatsoever for his actions. (Wait a minute, which president am I talking about now? I get so confused...) I never saw Clinton as much more than a used-car salesman, and between "I never inhaled" and "How do you define 'is'", I can't take the silly bastard seriously at all except inasmuch as I ALMOST feel sorry for him now that this bullshit of "Is he sincere when he apologizes?" will have to be bandied about as if it's actual news. Why wouldn't he be sincere? Shit, he's gotta be sincere about SOMETHING. I mean, there's gotta be one or two things we can believe from him, right? I mean hey, even Bush can be believed sometimes. Like when he said...uh...well, I....nevermind, I obviously have no fucking clue what I'm talking about.

The Clinton era was an interesting time for me. I'd become so sick of politics that after his first couple years, I just stopped paying much attention. I did at first, I was into it for those first years. I was a fairly rabid listner to Rush Limbaugh when Clinton came into office. (More on THAT cocksucker later.) But as amusing as the Clinton jokes were for...oh..five minutes (I somehow thought they were funny for longer than that, but hey, I never inhaled, so leave me the fuck alone) it became increasingly obvious to me that NOBODY involved in American politics on any level was worth a single lime-green shit. (And if you don't know what I'm talking about, you don't have a three year-old daughter who creates AMAZING bowel movements like the one I tossed from her little potty into the big one yesterday. And if you don't think this is relevant, you obviously need to pay more attention to the parallels between poop and politics.) I managed to get by on a little news here and there, and basically spent the next few years being a badly-informed, semi-competent guitar teacher. Because that's what I do, boys and girls.

When the "Oh my God, the President got a blowjob, we can't allow that in this fine upstanding pseudo-culture" story broke, I would like to have ignored it. I would have ignored it, but it was absolutely FUCKPOSSIBLE. You couldn't take a shit without some reporter jonesing for a Pulitzer popping out of your toilet screaming "THE PRESIDENT LIED ABOUT A BLOWJOB! THE PRESIDENT LIED ABOUT A BLOWJOB!" What I'm saying folks, is the story was kinda hard to miss.

It was then that I realized something that any idiot should have realized long before, but I'm no ordinary idiot. I, after all, am a good American. And when I'm told that our media is full of liberal bias (and usually we're told this by the media, and how can THEY be wrong?) I believe it. Because after all, just LOOK at them. Doesn't Dan Rather just REEK of commie liberal hippie fuckness? It's disgusting. Our horrible liberal media. Just look at them here in 2004, those pinko fucks. Doing nasty liberal things like repeating anything Geroge Bush says like it might sorta be the truth. Flying flags all over the scren while softly whispering about American resolve through the early days of the Iraq war. Not holding Bush accountable when those pesky weapons of mass destruction were never found. Acting like the capture of Saddam Hussein actually made this country a safer place in any way. Never asking "What the fuck about BIN LADEN?" the whole time this administration diverted our efforts into Iraq, a country that had nothing whatsoever to do with the immediate threat we are facing. Completely destroying Howard Dean's campaign with lies and massive exaggerations, Dean being the only Democrat of the original group of canidates with a coherent and sane message for this country, not to mention the only one with a SOUL. Making John Kerry look like even more of a greasy fuckweasel than he does on his own. Going so far out of their way to not only cover Ronald Reagan's funeral at absurd length, but to make him look like an absolute saint even in face of the facts about his eight years in office. Those goddamn media liberals! FUCK! How can we bear all these liberals in our media! Rush Limbaugh! Bill O'Reilly! Sean Hannity! Pat Robertson! Ann Coulter! P.J. O'Rourke! George Will! That fucking LIBERAl MEDIA!!!!!!!!!

(Just for the record, I happen to really enjoy much of P.J. O'Rourke's writing. But he's still full of shit a high percentage of the time. As for the rest, fuck them.)

So anyway, watching the non-stop, absurdly over-serious coverage of Clinton's cock drove the last nail in my liberal-media-coffin. It's BULLSHIT. The space between what he did wrong and how his wrong-doing was treated was so completely fucking insane it wasn't even fu...well, it was kinda funny. In fact, it was hilarious. Let's face it, Americans have WAAAY too much free time if we can be bothered with this shit like we were. And it came from both directions, let there be no doubt. People who would defend Clinton came up with the fascinating question "Is a blowjob really sex?" Wow. I'd never though of that one before. Is a blowjob sex? Is a blowjob from a woman you aren't married to adultry? Gee, I never thought to ask that before. Probably because IT'S FUCKING STUPID. Is a blowjob sex? Well, if it's not, I must be quite the morally-upright kinda guy, because I think about blowjobs EVERY TWO SECONDS. I can't take a breath without wanting to get my dick sucked. I'd feel guilty about this (because that's what my elders told me to do) except that I'M NOT ALONE. If you are male, and you are reading this, and you don't think about blowjobs constantly, you are SICK. There's something WRONG with you. You are a morally questionable individual, and you cannot be trusted. I fear you far more than I do the terrorists, because you are SCARIER than they are.

I have an idea, guys. Walk up to your wife and say, "Hi honey! I just got a blowjob!" and see what happens. And when you are released from intensive care, call me. I wanna hear all about it, guys.

So the whole thing was bullshit. Clinton evading the truth the way he did was bullshit, and the hypocritical Republicans (remember how many of them were caught doing the same kind of shit, but you only heard about it for a couple days? That goddamn liberal media...) who tried to run him from office over this bullshit was even more bullshit. Bullshit to the power of bullshit. Bullshit on top of more bullshit that was already piled onto bullshit. You could turn all this bullshit into enough energy to power every car in America for five years, and then we wouldn't have to worry about two-dollar a gallon gas anymore. Because that, after all, is even MORE important than Clinton's blowjob. Yes, we have our priorities here in America, and we do NOT stand for oral sex or two-dollar a gallon gas, because that is IMMORAL, goddammit.

I lost an awful lot of faith in the "conservatives" I was still shakily trying to hold some kind of trust in, because it was painfully obvious that they did NOT have our country's interest in mind when they went into attack mode, and that their ONLY motiviation for doing so was to use America's weird attitudes about sex as leverage for their own political gain. So I respect Clinton on one level - he stood up to these motherfuckers (I'd call them cocksuckers like I usually do, but Bill had already stood up for one of those, and the metaphor is getting..uh...stretched) and he didn't let them tear him down. THAT is an accompishment. Beats the shit out of taking your state from 50th to 49th in education, anyway.

I'm going to drop this now, because I want to do no more to use this stupid topic to distract our nation from the shit that actually MATTERS right now, which is that we are being owned and operated by a bunch of Republican fucks who make Bill Clinton look like Jesus H. Christ, MD.

But a couple other quick Clinton observations about other stuff than blowjobs. First, if you want to investigate an administration for wrongdoing, doesn't it make more sense to forget about blowjobs and instead talk about a gross misuse of power in Waco, Texas? I thought that the torching of the Branch Davidians, and Janet Reno's part in it, was a FAR worse thing, but then, Republicans aren't likely to get too upset about the killing of a group of wackos who aren't actually bothering anyone. They like that kind of thing. So I guess we can rule that out.

Another nice little artifact from the Clinton-era is the "don't ask don't tell" policy towards gays in the military. This was supposed to be a good thing for homosexuals, but it looks like it backfired, because I just read an article about the thousands of gay people who have been discharged from the military since, INCLUDING many here recently at a time when our country needs all the soldiers we can get, since we're stuck in this stupid war and can't seem to find our way out. The response from conservatives is unfathomable - "we don't need people like that in the first place." This ignorant shit - rooted once again in our nation's STUPID views of sexuality - must be addressed, and must be changed. The idea that our military has a "morality" that can somehow be offended by gay sex is so bizarre, so utterly INSANE, it can only be met with tons and tons of TRUTH piled on thier stupid heads. So I'd encourage y'all to do what I'm going to do - write your congressman and tell them that you are DISGUSTED that hundreds of highly-qualified servicemen, who are performing their jobs ably, are being let go at a time when our troops are stretched so thin in a stupid war, over something as trivial as where they like to stick their weenie. This is down to the very reasons we are supposedly at war - if we are, as Bush likes to say so often, fighting for "our freedom", then that freedom must extend to those who are out there DOING THE FIGHTING.

But of course, we can't allow gay people in the military. We all know that. Because after all, they might do something really terrible, flouting that debased sexuality around. They might mistreat prisoners and force them into degrading sexual positions and take pictures of them! Imagine that! Those dirty filthy FAGGOTS!!! How dare they give a bad name to the morality and sound judgement of our pure and holy military! Now excuse me, I've got some pieces of Iraqi children to throw onto this truck. Get out of my way, I'm defending FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It is my sincere wish that these bigoted repressed fucks recieve a large cock directly in their ass. From a black man in a Teletubby costume. Who voted for Clinton.

Speaking of defenders of family values, those who protect us from the evils of homosexuality, our bastions of morality, how about Mr. Marriage Is A Sacred Institution himself, yes ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Mr. Rush Limbaugh! Hooray!

Rush (I like the one with Geddy Lee better) must be having a terrible dilemma in his sensitive and forgiving heart, because he is so firmly committed to the sanctity of marriage that he's getting his THIRD divorce. I mean, how BRAVE of him to defend God's sacred gift of marriage! He's so good at it, he's done it three times now! What an honor! Does the plucky little chap with the most marriages win or something? But hey, at least he didn't marry one of those rotten FAGGOTS. Of course, who knows. I'm not sure why those three women are gone now. I suppose if you were married to Rush, you might become a lesbian in, oh, about one-tenth of a nanosecond. So maybe he's contributing to the problem. But at least he BELIEVES marriage is a sacred thing. And don't we all? (The following is stolen directly from a Chris Rock routine, by the way.) Marriage is sacred? Who said so? It sure isn't in America. Come on, this is a country that has TV shows like Who Wants To Marry A Millionaire, Bachelorette, and Joe Millionaire. We think marriage is sacred? Yeah, right. Michael Jackson got married. How sacred is THAT shit?

See, I don't have a problem with divorce. I'm my wife's third husband, so I'm all for at least TWO divorces. I've got plenty of friends who've been divorced. But none of us pretend that marriage is SACRED. Because it's not. It's just not, people. Marriage is about as sacred as trying to dig yourself out of a dark cave that had it's roof collapse. With only one shovel and one other person, and you keep arguing over who gets the fucking shovel. Then when you do get it, they tell you you are using it wrong. But that's OK. Because you're TOGETHER, and even if you don't dig yourself out, you've got a common goal (to get YOURSELF out), and it's better to have somebody around to help than to have to do it yourself. There's nothing sacred about that, but it's not really all that bad. You take breaks and talk about stuff, share sandwiches, and YOU'RE NOT ALONE. Not a bad fuckin' deal. Except of course, that you have far less sex than you did before you went into the cave in the first place. Are you kidding? It's cold and damp and dirty in here and my hair is a mess! A blowjob? Who do you think you are, the president?

(Sheryl is gonna love this one.)

So anyway, fuck Rush Limbaugh. I can't believe I used to enjoy listening to this guy on a regular basis. This is the same asshole who said that the troops in Iraq who were torturing prisoners were "just blowing off a little steam." Oh really, asshole? And I suppose those Nazis who killed millions of Jews just needed some anger management courses? Thanks for the valuable insight, Rush. I hope your wife leaves you with enough money to support your drug habit, you hypocritical ignorant fuck.

But of course, this is all Bill Clinton's fault. Rush said so, and that's good enough for me.

Have a nice day, motherfuckers.

Love,
Dougie