Unreal Time

Unreal Time

08.01.04 (2:09 am)   [edit]
I just watched Real Time With Bill Maher, one of the cooler things on HBO (and therefore the planet, since no other network has one-tenth the balls or the content) hosted by one of my favorite comedians. It's taken me a long time to warm up to Maher over the years, but I've come to love him.

Observations:

One of tonight's guests was Kim Campbell, former Canadian prime minister, who I've seen on the show before. Too bad she's Canadian, I'd love to see her vote counted (then uncounted by a computer with no paper trail after it matches her name with a black not-actually-a-felon) in the upcoming US election. Smart lady. I enjoyed her comment that no one in her country would ever get elected to the top office if they said God had told them to run, and that they thought the jury was still out on evolution. Welcome to America, boys and girls. She also made some excellent comments to Ralph Nader.

Michael Moore provided some solid commentary, but I turned off the TV in disgust at one point, because he CAN'T SHUT THE FUCK UP. He was debating some senator from California, some faceless Republican whore whose name I can't remember because I DON'T CARE, and it quickly turned into standard TV political bullshit where you don't know what they're saying because they're saying it loudly AT THE SAME FUCKING TIME. Save that crap for debates with your uncle over dinner where it belongs, Mike. You've got a unique opportunity at this point in American history. You've been able to get the truth out about George W. Bush in a way nobody else has. Your energy and your relentlessness are admirable. Don't fuck it up by behaving like the other assholes, by being a paranoid over-defensive 12-year old TWIT. I know, I know. I'd like to yell at the whore-like Senator who dresses far better than me too. I feel your pain. But that doesn't mean you DO IT. Being a highly visible figure who relies more on instant emotion and gut-reaction than on being rational makes you look a bit more like the current President than it does somebody who can be taken seriously enough to help take the cocksucker out in November. I'd have a hard time keeping it together too, there's times where I probably make Lewis Black look like Charlie Brown I want to explode and kill somebody so bad, but I haven't been on TV debates before. YOU HAVE. I'd hope you'd have learned a few things by now. Yer standard guy on the street can afford to blow up and yell at Republicans on TV. THEY CAN'T HEAR US. They hear you. Use your position with some sense, and you might do even better than you already have. I say it in love, because I think you're better than these peoole. I WANT to believe that. But you look a bit too much like a paranoid freak. It doesn't have to be that way. You're smarter than that. Shaking up boring, complacent people at an awards show is one thing, acting like a kid whose dad won't let him have the car keys on a debate show is something else.

The unnamed Senator got a nice round of laughter after stating that "this president has a commitment to science." Republicans are so good at unintentional humour.

One of the finer moments in the history of television must be the moment when Maher and Moore got on their knees on either side of Ralph Nader and begged him to stop his campaign. Nader, being the pig-headed misguided shit he is (these qualities in no way removing the good work he's done, or taking away from his view of our current situation, because he's mostly right) was of course unmoved. But he did take Moore's baseball cap off for a moment, which I thought was funny. Too bad he's so fucking clueless about his place in this election. Yeah, Ralph, we DO need choices. And we're not going to have ANY choices for another four years if you help Bush win, you dope. How the fuck does winning three percent of the vote help the country, Ralph? Come on, I wanna know. I'm not the hugest Kerry fan either, but he is NOT the same thing as Bush. I mean, come on. His whole campaign until this week was pretty much about nothing but how he's NOT BUSH. Now that he's really making it clear exactly how he really isn't the same as Bush, that he's actually got a lot of his own shit to offer, maybe you could WAKE THE FUCK UP and get your ass out of the way. Serve your country well. Don't be an asshole. STOP THE MADNESS, Ralph!

Maher's final monologue was one of the finest examples I've heard of what I consider to be the goal of true comedy - speaking the truth that needs to be told right now, and making it funny. I can't do justice to it here, but the basic idea is that if you're going to be a television network that provides news, then PROVIDE it, PARTICULARLY when it's a national convention for a political party. You know, something that's kinda IMPORTANT. Don't chop it up, don't fuck with it, don't make the guy who's running for office sweat his ass off during his speech out of fear that you'll cut him off in favor of the Ashlee Simpson show if he doesn't get if over with quick. He's outlining his plan for OUR NATION'S HISTORY, not doing a commercial for low-carb tofu burgers.

I'm glad I decided to avoid most of the convention at the time, and went back to watch the complete videos of a few of the key speeches online. I've got a few more to watch. But it made me feel better about who I'm voting for in a few months. Of course, I also caught a bit on the Daily Show showing the general media reaction to Al Sharpton's speech (which I highly enjoyed) and I wanted to start hunting down news anchors to sacrifice on a bloody altar to Satan under the moonlight while wearing nothing but a loincloth made out of Michael Moore books. Can ANYONE seriously believe "the media" is one vast cauldron of "liberalism" when they treat Al Sharpton like the crazed aunt you usually keep locked in the attic, but she escaped tonight in just enough time to get in front of a camera? No matter what you think of Sharpton (who most Republicans like to think of as a wackjob, which makes you wonder if they've looked in their own attic at Ann Coulter latley), the insistence of these people to minimize him in such a blatant and vile matter is a BIG mistake. I hope a bunch of militant black Chris Rock fans move into some of these "news" people's neighborhoods and play old Public Enemy records at top volume at 3AM. Those shallow, arrogant fucks.

I've decided that the only TV from now on (at least until November) that I'm going to get my news from is going to be Bill Maher and Jon Stewart, because those guys TELL you when they make shit up. When it comes to actual information, I'm READING the news from now on (with the occasional online video file when needed) which is more than you can get our fucking president to do. Of course, I've mostly been doing that for months now anyway. But fuck it. Fox, CNN, MSNBC, ABC, KKK, NRA, OPEC, ABBA, and whoever the fuck else is fucking with our news can LICK me.

Jesus H. Fuck In A Basket. It's 3:09AM. I think I forgot to take my sleeping pill. FUCK.

Oh, I watched The Bourne Identity with Sheryl tonight. Excellent little flick. Now I gotta go out and see the sequel, and I usually HATE sequels. This one looks to be damn fine, though.

Love and fuckity-fuck-doodle,
Dougie