My Prayer

My Prayer

09.20.04 (7:20 pm)   [edit]
Dear Jesus, my personal lord and savior, whose blood redeemed me from sin and cheap porn, this is my prayer to You.

Dear sweet Jesus, give Jerry Falwell a boil on his ass.

Holy savior, lover of peace and hater of those lousy filthy Hollywood faggots, I pray unto Thee, send Your angels to the makers of low-carb salad worldwide, and striketh them down with bellies of lard and may their bathroom scales cry for mercy under the weight of their fat, stupid, shallow asses.

My sweet Lord, whose compassion and goodness knows no bounds, tie Simon Cowell to the whipping post and give unto him Yoko Ono for the soundtrack of the remainder of his days. I know You can do this, my Jesus, for You have the power.

Holy fuckin' Jesus, son of the Most High God, born unto Mary, who never once looked upon a penis nor took it into herself, for this is the word of your holy and virtually unreadable book, I ask you and beg you to take all of Donald Trump's and Bill Gates's money away from them, leaving them naked and alone high on a snow-covered mountain where only the wolves can find them for their dinner, and take this money and give it unto the poor, the homeless, the wretched, and save a few bucks for me because I need to buy a DVD burner. Thank you, Christ my masterful savior.

Dear sweet Jesus, King of those rotten Jews who killed your ass and now have all the money, strike dead each and every creator of "reality TV" programs, whose sin and degradation leaves its stench upon this planet even as George Bush gives more of it away to industry. May these unimaginitave fucks be "eliminated" by Your power, so sayeth the Lord.

Master Jesus, I am not worthy to give unto You the things that would fall through the holes in Your hands, but I pray to You, Jesus H. Christ, stuff Charlie Daniels into a sack made from an American flag, dip him in a vat of gasoline and the shit of one hundred and forty four thousand Sodomites, and burn him. I cannot presume to know Your perfect will nor even that of the Supreme Court, but I pray that this is within it, my Lord.

And Jesus, dear sweet Jesus H. Motherfucking Christ On A Crutch, I plead unto Thee - make Jenna Bush lesbo for Mary Cheney, and turn their wine into heroin, and let them sneak into their fathers' press conferences early, get loaded and stuff their faces into each other's snatches just before fourteen news cameras enter the room ready to film the whole thing and put it on the Internet so that even Paris Hilton shall become a distant memory, and I shall laugh my fucking ass off in Your name after downloading it promptly, my lovely homo-hating Jesus.

Dear God, take George W. Bush home at last. For Christ's sake.

And finally, my wonderful savior Jesus, eater of fish not poisoned by mercury and walker of waters one can actually see through, I pray unto you that Howard Stern won't sue me for stealing his idea with this prayer unto You. So let it be written, so let it be done.

May your name be praised,
Amen