Paper, Paper Everywhere, And Not A Drop Of Ink

Paper, Paper Everywhere, And Not A Drop Of Ink

10.21.04 (1:44 pm)   [edit]
Somebody explain something to me: WHY THE FUCK IS IT SO HARD TO VOTE ON A PAPER BALLOT?

I keep reading about all these studies about the voting system in this country, and the ramifications of electronic voting, and yadda yadda fucking boo hoo shittyfuck cunt fuck. It's insane. It's ABSURD. Anyone who OWNS a computer (like, I assume, a couple of you reading this perhaps) knows that computers are BIG FUCK-UP MACHINES. The richest man on the planet is into computers, yet I still have Windows ME lock up on me every four seconds. If you get to make that much money off them, MAKE THEM FUCKING WORK PROPERLY, YOU ASSFUCKS! FUCK Bill Gates, and fuck computers when it comes to an election.

Anyone who thinks electronic voting is a good idea is out of their fucking minds. And these goddamn chads, what the fuck are THEY about? Hell, I never got the older machines with the damn levers. What's the point? GET A PIECE OF FUCKING PAPER.

It's supposed to be more convenient. It isn't. Nothing in this country is when it's supposed to be. All the things that make our lives more "convenient" end up being a huge pain in the ass. And since when did "convenience" become an issue in an election that determines who's going to be THE GODDAMN LEADER OF THIS COUNTRY? You know what? FUCK your convenience. Fuck your schedule. Either stand in line all day with a fucking ballpoint pen, or do what I'm going to do this year and mail in an absentee ballot. You know, those things that are on PAPER. How fucking long does it take to CHECK A BOX? Anyone with HANDS can handle this difficult procedure. You do't need computers or other machines, you need a PEN. If the pen doesn't work, buy another one. This shit is serious. There's no time for fucking around and playing with the process. We're picking the PRESIDENT, not shopping for Britney CDs on Amazon, you fuckheads. We don't need cute little toys to make voting more cute and more fun. We need to VOTE. Period. Put a check mark on the piece of paper in the place you so choose, drop the thing into the box, and get the fuck out. Simple, isn't it?

Supposedly it makes the process easier for counting the votes. FUCK that. I don't want it to be easy or faster. I want those fuckers to sit in that room with a big pot full of coffee and count them all SEVEN TIMES. If it takes a few days for the fuckers at Fox News to be able to be the first to announce the results, FINE. The fucker doesn't take office until January anyway. We can WAIT a few days.

This shit needs to be done RIGHT. If somebody is going to steal an election, it should be because somebody threw a box full of ballots out the back door and a guy drove them off into the Mojave fuck desert. It shouldn't be something that a 9-year old kid can pull off with a Dell and a couple mouse clicks. And it DEFINITELY shouldn't be something that the Supreme Court gets to help out with by STOPPING A RECOUNT. That is the biggest horseshit ever. If there's a probelm, COUNT THEM AGAIN, you cocksuckers. If that doesn't work, hire some fucking bank tellers and have THEM count them all A THIRD TIME.

And if that doesn't work, then let's just put both candidates into a stadium, feed them full of cocaine (nothing new for our incumbent) give them clubs and a few big rocks, and let them just beat the fuck out of each other. Whoever DIES is the loser. Throw Karl Rove into the stadium naked with a shovel and make him dig the grave and stuff whoever the dead asshole is into the hole head first with his feet sticking out. Then make him dig another hole, shoot him in the back of his fucking head and throw HIM in. Put it all on live TV and let Chris Matthews figure out a way to hyper-analyze THAT shit. "Well, do you think perhaps the fact that Rove's penis was hard while he dug the grave somehow sends mixed messages to the American people about the function of this, that, or the other bullshit?" BAM! Shoot him and bury him too.

And if the guy who wins is beaten to hell and suffers brain damage from his opponent's attacks on his skull with a big heavy object, NOBODY WILL NOTICE THE DIFFERENCE ANYWAY.

And since all these campaigns have big barbecues at their rallys, we can finalize the process by taking all those paper ballots from all across the country, put them into a big pile, dump a gallon of $50 oil over them, light 'em on fire, and THROW GEORGE W. BUSH INTO THE FUCKIING PILE.

And that way, everybody wins.

Dick Cheney has a gay daughter!

Love,
Dougie