Let's Make the World A Better Place

Let's Make the World A Better Place

11.18.04 (2:47 am)   [edit]
It should be obvious by now to any life form above the single-celled variety that our election system in the United States is fucked beyond belief. We've just sat through months of inane gibbering on both sides, unholy amounts of money being shuffled around while our soldiers in Iraq are paid about as well as yer average fry cook, and countless commercials designed to expose The Opponent as a rabid lunatic asshole who will eat your children and fuck your wife, mother, Chia pet, and vacation plans if you are stupid enough to vote for the scurvy bastard. Degenerate swine are running our nation, and they spend an insanely large percenatage of your precious time (which you could be using to read Clay Aiken's new book, an inspiration to every good American, I'm sure) trying to get you to allow them even more time to cornhole our future into a corner, bleeding from the asshole like a cheap crack-whore beaten into submission by some Mob boss and his goons.

Which is why I propose a new plan for campaigning in this fine country. One month. That's it. No money can be raised, no annoying rallys that clog up traffic for miles around can be held, not until the beginning of October. Same idea with the primaries. Candidates cannot do their dirty deeds until July 30th, and they have until the end of August to get the job done. All primaries and caucases should be done in three weeks. No more of this shit in Iowa. Fuck Iowa. Fuck New Hampshire. When I voted for John Edwards in the Ohio primary, I was jerking off. It was a meaningless exercise by then. A handful of states had already done my job for me, even though MY state was the one that held the actual damn election up until the afternoon of November 3rd. Fuck that. You've got a month, assholes. If you can't make your case to the nation in that span of time, you're a worthless piece of shit and you are excommunicated from public service. Back to the law practice that spawned you, bitch.

It's over at the end of August. Take two weeks off and come back with both your national conventions. Flip a coin and decide who goes first, and the winner gets to go on Thursday and the loser on Friday. No long-ass speeches from senators from states no one has heard of. Get your fucking convention over in two hours. And keep your wives off stage, they're even more annoying than you are.

The rest of September can be spent conniving and plotting and Karl-Rove-ing, and when October 1st hits, you can bombard the airwaves with your stupid fucking commercials. Fuck it. If you buy up every single space, I don't care. At least it won't be those goddamn Verizon commercials, and if you REALLY wanted to help the country, you'd start by outlawing those rotten whores and their shitty fucking phone service.

People complain about negative campaigning. Fucking pussies. Get over it. The world is negative. People are being blown up, economies are being ass-fucked, and every single person in the country named Mohammed has an FBI agent's dick in his ass and a tap on his phone. What the fuck do you think these fuckers are supposed to do, anyway? "Golly gee, I'd really like your vote. I promise to do nice things for everybody and not let any of those un-Christians nations fuck with your air travel. I'm Fuckblow Jones, and I approve this message."

Go for the throat. Be as negative as you wanna be. "My opponent is a serial monkey rapist who wants to eat your wallet and sacrifice your daughters to gay Islamic jello-wrestlers." "Oh yeah? well, my opponent is a stinkybutt fucknoodle who regularly jacks off to pictures of Karl Marx while having his dick sucked by trained hyenas who run out of the Oval Office after he comes and fling their own shit at pictures of Lincoln."

But what about the children? Won't the FCC have something to say about this terrible corruption of the English language being foisted on innocent kids right before they get to witness grown men pound the fuck out of each other for the sake of a badly shaped ball on Monday nights? Well, fuck your children. They shouldn't be watching television in the first place. Get 'em a fucking book and turn the goddamn tube off. If you're so concerned about your children's mental health, you'll never let them witness any TV beyond the intellectual level of Blue's Clues until they're 16 years old. Get 'em a book. Stop with the Eminem CDs and buy the little bastards some Bach collections. And for fuck's sake, leave them alone. If your kid wants to spend two hours a day sitting at the window singing songs about cats and chocolate (which my daughter was doing the other day, and I got the fuck out of the room so as not to interfere with this blessed activity) then that's the best damn thing they can be doing. You fucking asshole, keep that kid away from nightly news and inane sporting events. All you're doing is raising another member of a debased bullshit society with psychotic priorities. If you let your child watch that fucking Nick and Jessica show, you should be beaten with hoses and drafted to dodge bullets in Fallujah.

And no more commercials or mailing for five days before the election. Republican fuckmonkeys this year were mailing out reminders to people in West Virginia that a vote for Kerry was a vote against Jesus, and they waited until the last possible minute to commit this crime against decency. For five days before the election, all you can do is stand in an arena and throw shit at each other. Actual shit. Hot steaming turds. Show it on CNN after the kiddies have gone to bed.

If anyone tells me this is a bad idea, I'll personally come to your house and piss in your breakfast cereal.

I'm tired. Have a great fucking night, assholes.

Love,
Dougie