The Sanctity Of Marriage

The Sanctity Of Marriage

03.18.05 (11:59 pm)   [edit]
My wife and I are separating. She came to me Sunday with this, and I decided last night that I had to go, even though I'd been saying all week that I was going to find a way to make it work. Well, this is how it works. I can't stay.

This has been inevitable for some time, and I think we've both known that. I'm a miserable person to live with and have been pretty much since forever. But the past five years have been very difficult, and I've had more psychological and physical problems than I ever thought I'd have to cram into that amount of time. I've been SICK, and it's poisoned my relationship with the one woman who ever truly gave me what I needed.

But I've also needed to do things for myself, things I was going to do five years ago. When I came home from an aborted move to California in September 1999, I felt very strongly that I'd be back there soon. Then I thought about going back to school, in Boston. Sheryl even arranged for me to go out there to see Berklee School Of Music, and it felt very right to me.

But I couldn't imagine leaving behind this wonderful person who I'd met two weeks after returning home from SoCal, and I had to make a very clear choice. I chose her. I do not regret that, I cannot possibly regret that. But in denying myself the opportunity to do those things I was so sure I was meant to do, I became very fucked up very quick. And I've been a pain in the ass ever since. I've not been able to reconcile the desire to have two things, two lives, that I cannot possibly have at once but want so bad to do just that. The amount of guilt I've been carrying has been huge. How can I want to do anything other than be with a wonderful woman, a wonderful daughter, and a wonderful home? Well, shit happens. I've lived with two utterly conflicting desires in the past, but this time it was much more serious.

Katie. Dammit, I can't believe I have to take her Daddy away from her. I'll call, I'll write, I'll visit when I can, but I've pretty much thrown a bucket of shit on my daughter's head, and now THAT has to follow me around. This is why this hasn't happened sooner, why I've been terrified of leaving, why I've hated myself even more than I already did. She sat in my arms last night and cried and told me she will miss me. I wanted to throw myself down the stairs after that. The pain on her face tore me apart. Christ, why does this shit have to happen this way?

I told her last night that I would never ever leave her if I didn't think she would be safe. And she will be, because she has the best mother ever. I knew very early on that Sheryl would be an incredible mommy, and she has not proven me wrong in any way. Katie is with the best person she can be with now, and hopefully someday I can be there too. People, this is a wonderful woman I'm splitting with. I have nothing but good to say about her. Sheryl, I still love you very much, and I hope someday you can learn to love me again. I pray for that, even though I know no one is listening. I want to make you happy again someday, no matter how things end up.

I'm at my parents now, where I will be for a few days. I can't possibly come back here to stay, this is the place I waited 30 years to get the fuck out of. But I'll spend some time visiting. Next week, I'll go back to Cincy, get some shit straightened out, and leave Friday to go back to California. It's way too far to go without Katie, but for now, I have to do this. Even if I fuck it all up and fall on my ass, who gives a shit? I've fucked up every other major thing I've ever tried, it's not like it will be anything new. And it doens't matter. I'm still here, I'm still in one piece. Maybe fucking things up is necessary. People who never fuck anything up are the people who stay in places like Marion, Indiana and die without ever really living. And I know one thing I haven't fucked up, even though it's so hard to think about now, but I HAVE been a good father. I didn't know I could do that, but I am very confident that I've been good to Katie, even if I have to do this to her now. It's the one thing I've done really right in five years. It took two to figure it out, but I've done that. I know that. I can be proud of that, if nothing else.

God, I miss her.

I don't know exactly where I'm going, but I have maps, and Sheryl is being amazing on providing me with the means to take my time up to a point, and be in good shape for a couple months. I'll confess to a certain level of excitement in finally being able to do something I've wanted to do for 20 years, and drive across the country. I'll finally see the part of southern Illinois where my grandmother was born and where my great-grandmother's parents are buried. I'll see the plains, though I'll probably try to move fast through that part. (Hey, I want to say I've been to Kansas, but that doens't mean I want to HANG OUT there.) I'll see Colorado. I'll stop at Woody Creek and have a shot of Chivas in honor of one of my heroes, Hunter S. Thompson. I'll drive through the Rocky Mountains. It looks like I'll be going north towards Seattle (a friend there insists that I come, and I don't feel like arguing), so I'll also see that place, maybe also see other parts of Washington, like Mt. St. Helens, Mt. Rainer where one of my cousins lives near, and the town where Twin Peaks was shot. Then I'll drive down the coast, see the length of California, stay in San Francisco a night or two. Hell, maybe I'll even stay there for good. I don't know. If not, back south to LA, a city I really loved, or maybe San Diego, which I loved even more. I'll be able to see the desert again, which I cannot possibly convey my love for even though I was there so short a time. I'll drive to Vegas, maybe wave to the bats around Barstow and the hitchhikers in Baker. I won't have a trunk full of drugs, but I will know fear & loathing, I do live in Bush's America, after all. It's a beautiful place, even if they're trying to make it ugly. Fuck them anyway. They ain't gonna ruin my trip.

Doing all this without Sheryl and Katie feels wrong somehow, but it's something I've wanted for so long, and I cannot deny myself this chance. I cannot deny myself the chance to find some freaks out there to make noise with, and yes, there is a bass and a guitar and small amplifier in the car. Maybe I won't make it work out there an I'll have to come back. Doesn't matter. The time has come today. My song has been psychedelicized. Go west, dumbass.

There's so much more to say, but maybe I don't need to do that right now. You folks be good to yourselves.

Daddy loves you.