On The Road Again (Just Like Willie)

On The Road Again (Just Like Willie)

03.25.05 (12:23 am)   [edit]
Well, I'm out of here tomorrow.

I hate a lot of this, but most of it I think I'm OK with. Sheryl has said a few times that everything happens for a reason. I've come to doubt just about everything in the last few years, and I'm no longer sure if she's right or not, but I'll lean towards yes. The simple fact that Katie is here, and that Sheryl and I are still on very good terms, that says something.

And even if everything is truly random, if there's nothing but us and sheer luck, if there's nothing behind what we see, what the fuck? Does it matter? Is it really so bad? I've come to realize that it really doesn't mean a fucking thing what "it's all about", what matters is what the fuck I'm going to do about it. It might be pure luck that any of us are here at all, and that's OK. We should be thankful for that, at the very least. Some people don't get that far. Some people are fuckin' dead. I'm not. That's in my favor, dontcha think?

As much as I've fucked things up in the past - and I have- I'm still ehre and I've not killed anyone. I've not ever had to really worry much about the most important aspects of survival. I've been taken care of. That puts me in a very lucky category, even if I've been quite willing to bitch about it. And I will continue to do so, becuase there's a lot of shit I don't like, in the world, and in myself. But goddammit, it doesn't fuckin' matter right now. I'm here. I'm somewhat healthy. I'm not covered in my own shit. And even if I have completely fucked up this marriage...well, I havne't really. She still cares, she's still being better to me than I feel like I deserve. So I guess I've only partly fucked it up, and I guess that's pretty much my life in a nutsack. I've fucked some things up, I've done some other things right. I've rarely done either to such an extreme to really destroy and/or create anything much. If anything, I've done one thing damn right, and that's being a father to Katie. I feel good about that. Really good. Though now I'm taking her daddy away from her for a long time. That sucks in ways that I can't describe, but I can honestly say that I know she knows I love her. She needs that more than anything - her parents' love. If I thought she wans't going to continue recieving that every single moment of her life, I wouldn't be leaving. But I know she's safe here, I know that she's in a wonderful place with her mommy. And for now, that's going to have to do. God fucking damn it in a rancid shitbox, I hate feeling the way I do when I see her and know I won't see her again for two months. But she's going to be OK. And so will I.

The trip will be different than I wanted, I'm basically cutting it in half. I can't do everything I want to do, but shit, I'm lucky to be doing it at all. It's not a vacation. It's a jump into new territory, and I cna't fuck with time and money, because neither is unlimited. there's enough of each to do some serious damage to my stability, but not enough to pretend I'm bulletproof for a month. So I'll be in San Francisco in a week. I've got a couple fun stops in mind (Woody Creek, Colorado and Arches National Park are the main ones) but I'll not be fucking around much. I need to be somewhere I can call a semi-home for about a week within two to three weeks. Certified mail will be heading my way to finish up business back here with Sheryl, so my goal is to be in LA in two weeks and find a place to stay for 5 to 7 days so they can send that.

I've heard enough good things about both LA and San Francisco to not be sure which I'm going to. Of course, i've been to LA already, and San Diego as well (which I LOVE) but I'm still not sure where I'm going for good. I need a place that will be at least semi-nurturing to someone who's been out of touch with himself for a few years but is wanting desperately to be creative again. Somewhere with space to work and people to connect with. And somewhere that won't kill my bank account to be in, which is problematic in that part of the country. Shit, real estate alone is two to three times more expensive there than here. It won't be easy, but it will be worth doing.

I've had so many doubts in the past week, but not about doing it. I can't stay here. Not now. Maybe I'll be back here soon, maybe not. I barely give two fucks. I only worry about Katie, and I know I don't have t worry about her. Me, I'll live. I hope. I'll be making a will out in the next couple months (I'm leaving lots of Hunter Thompson books and Zappa CDs to Katie, but she can't have them until she's at least 16, because I know her mother will dig me up and kill me all over again if I don't leave that provision in) and I'll also be making out a living will, because I like eating veggies, and might not even mind being one for a couple years, but only a couple. Not fifteen. Contrary to what psychotic religious people might think, you ain't coming back after fifteen years. JESUS will be back before you will, and that motherfucker has been dead for 2000 now.

I'm going to pretend I'm 20 for a while, but I'll be able to do it through 35 years of observation, and I may be stupid sometimes, but not nearly as much as when I was 20 the first time. Maybe that's why I've had to wait so long. I simply have not been equipped to deal with this shit before. That's sucked, but it's been what it's been. I've learned a couple things. I came back from CA the last time after only ten days, because I had no choice at the time. This time I've got a few more choices. Not as many as I'd like, but that's OK. I'm lucky to be alive, even if I do forget that often.

Be good to yourselves, you fuckers,
Dougie