Watching The Wheels
04.08.05 (12:09 pm) [edit]Heading back home. Living on Tulsa time right now, I'll be in St. Louis tonight and Cincy tomorrow. I'll detail this long strange trip later, but I've been thinking a lot about the goods and bads of all this. The only bad thing in going away was being away from Katie, but that's what has sent me back, and now I'm going to be near her again, though I'll have a very different existence. I'm looking for something very basic, away from the dull picket-fence lifestyle I've been at all my life, which has nearly killed my creativity. It's a terrible place for me. Other people want it, it seems to be the ideal for everyone else around me. I don't begrudge them that if that's what they want. But I can't do it, and I'm glad, fucking GLAD that I've been forced into this situation.
I'm hoping I can regain some kind of focus and get back to where I thought I was 5 years ago, about to jump headfirst into a new path, but choosing this other one instead. It was good I chose it, I got to be with Sheryl for a time, and I have an incredible daughter who I love more than enough to stay in the Midwest for (though I'm really missing that ocean and I wish she could be there with me) but I have to let it go now. Katie I can't let go of, the "safety/security/stabilit y" life I need to rid myself of. For my sanity. I was learning to like it far too much, and I'll never achieve what I feel I'm here to if I stay in that world. When I'm old, great. But I'm not. I'm 35 (bloody peasant!) and I have to live for a while.
This song tore me apart when I was 11 yars old, just thinking about John Lennon's horrible end. Now it means something new to me, something a bit different than what John mut have meant, but it fits me well nd I've been listening to it a lot the past couple days.
People say I'm crazy doing what I'm doing
Well they give me all kinds of warnings to save me from ruin
When I say that I'm o.k. well they look at me kind of strange
Surely you're not happy now you no longer play the game
People say I'm lazy dreaming my life away
Well they give me all kinds of advice designed to enlighten me
When I tell them that I'm doing fine watching shadows on the wall
Don't you miss the big time boy you're no longer on the ball
I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round
I really love to watch them roll
No longer riding on the merry-go-round
I just had to let it go
Ah, people asking questions lost in confusion
Well I tell them there's no problem, only solutions
Well they shake their heads and they look at me as if I've lost my mind
I tell them there's no hurry
I'm just sitting here doing time
I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round
I really love to watch them roll
No longer riding on the merry-go-round
I just had to let it go
I just had to let it go
I just had to let it go
Dougie