Damn, I'm tired

Damn, I'm tired

05.13.05 (4:15 pm)   [edit]
Not just from not sleeping much, but from my brain bouncing back and forth so much. It's seeming to be slowing down a bit in the last couple days, but that happens sometimes right before going through it again. I don't know what would happen if I wasn't taking my lithium, because this is how I felt right BEFORE I started taking it, a year ago when I checked myself into the hospital for a couple days.

I have to work hard on keeping this away from Sheryl and Katie though, and I haven't done that. I've failed miserably at that. I've not done bad with Katie lately, but I know I'm bugging the shit out of Sheryl, and I keep doing it anyway. Shit. I keep thinking about myself and Katie, but I've been just as bad to Sheryl since I first left as I was before. I only hope she knows how fucking hard it is to keep things straight in my head right now.
I need to back off, though, because she wants to keep our relationship from now on based only around Katie and not on all this other crap I'm going through, and I don't want to make her hate me anymore than she probably already does. Shit, I was such a goddamn whiner the last couple times I talked to her. She doesn't need that.

I'm worried that she's going to be even more pissed now that I'm trying another direction (yes, again) though I'm trying to be smarter about this one. I've not been able to make up my mind about a fucking thing for so long now that I'm terrified of this ending too fast too, but I have something a little better to hang onto now.

My old band wants me back. In fact, they're playing a huge festival in Marion in a couple weeks and want me for that. Thousands of people, a lot of oldies bands, several old actors, far and away the biggest thing I've ever been involved in. After that it's back to the bars, but the fact is, I love these guys. Most of the music is too tame, but what the fuck else am I going to do out here? It's the fucking Midwest. This place is never going to be more than a minimal outlet for things that are really close to my heart. So this will have to do for now, and to tell the truth, I'm really into it, because I finally feel like I'm connecting to something again, something I have some kind of roots in. I came back here for my daughter, but I have to have something for myself too, or I'm only going to deteriorate until I'm utterly useless to Katie. I can't do that to her. I've done enough just being so fucking erratic lately.

I don't want to hurt them, dammit. I don't. I already have and I don't want to do it anymore.

Sheryl wants me to be more "businesslike" (a term from our wretched parenting class we had to sit through recently) and I haven't been confident in my ability to do that. But if I don't...I don't want to think about it. But I'll start by fighting the urge to call her so often. I'm not giving her enough space, and in a divorce, "enough" means a fuck of a lot. I'll try to stay out of her way. I only hope she understands how hard it is for me to do that. How hard it is for me to do anything that actually needs to be done. I'm not sure she understands what goes on in my head, how fucking UNPOSSIBLE it s for me to think straigh so much of the time. Maybe she does understand. Fuck, I don't know. I don't know much of anyhting anymore. Except that this divorce is MY fault and I'm the only asshole who can make things any better.

I've not had as much problems for two days now. I hope I can hang on to that.

Well, I'm still ADD as hell because I didn't finish what I was trying to say above. I'm wanting to be with my old band again and play bass. It's the one thing in the world I feel I'm truly good at, and I've not done nearly enough of it for five years now. To do this, I need to be closer to them, which takes me farther from Katie. I'm not happy about that, but like I said, I have to do SOMETHING for myself beyond just exist if I'm going to be any good for her. So I'm moving to Indianapolis. I was thinking about this anyway even a week and a half ago, but it seems to be the best way of doing both. It's not too far away from them or from Katie. I've got a few friends there I know the place, and best of all, I'll be able to have a job quick. The temp agency here in town I'm working for has offices there and it's no problem for me to switch over there. They've been REALLY good to me in the past week or so.

So I have something to look forward to on this move, not just go in blind like I have been lately. I have to do it quick, though. I'm so goddamn stupid with my money I'm lucky I have any left at all. But I've been better about that for a couple days too.

I hope it lasts. I don't want to go back to that fucking hospital. I'm really afraid of myself right now.

Hope you're all doing much beter than me,
Dougie