Bill Maher Kicked My Ass
05.20.05 (11:18 pm) [edit]Rather than a regular review, let me simply paraphrase some of the wonderful stuff from last night's Bill Maher show at the Taft Theatre in Cincinnati.
"Welcome to an evening of faith-based humour and Christian conversation."
"Marriage was cooked up by the Catholic church in order to stamp out blowjobs."
"Rush Limbaugh was taking 30 Oxycontin a day. Do you have any idea how high that can get you? I don't, and I've been pretty fucking high."
"They say the drug war is supposed to protect the children. But they never talk about the good things drugs have done. They've midwifed a lot of good ideas. A lot of good songs. Penny Lane? I think that's worth ten dead kids. Dark Side Of The Moon? That's worth 100 dead kids."
(Very Bill Hicks on that last one, eh?)
"There are people who seem to preface every reply to what you say with 'Well, I'm a Christian...' as if that automatically gives them the moral high ground."
"I'm starting to tell people 'I'm Swiss. Yeah, I'm just visiting here.'"
"We're feeding sick cows that can barely stand to fat people who can barely stand."
"They told George W. Bush that the country was under attack and he sat there for seven minutes. Presumably waiting for the piss to dry. Seven minutes is a long time in the nuclear age. Bush and Blair sold us on the idea that Saddam had nuclear weapons that could reach Europe in 45 minutes. So even seven minutes is a very long time. Any other president would have gotten up the second he was told the country was under attack. Clinton would have gotten up. Reagan would have gotten up. FDR would have gotten up, and he COULDN'T GET UP.
And this is the nuclear age, it's not 1790. Even then, 'Sir! The British have just set sail from Portsmouth!' 'Well, what are you waiting for?? Let's go! They'll be here in three months!"
"Let's put the fetus on the dollar bill. And Reagan."
"Some people say the gay marriage thing isn't a big deal because they can still do their thing anyway. I get friends who tell me the same kind of thing about drug legalization. 'Gee, Bill. Does it matter if drugs are legal? You can just go out the back door behind the club and smoke your pot. I've seen you do it a hundred times.' And you know what I say to them? FUCK you. You take your brandy out the back door and drink it."
"George Bush is a willful little prick, isn't he?"
(After immediately being booed for bringing up the name Ann Coulter) "Yeah, yeah, I know. But she's different when she's coming."
"If anyone tells you the public owns the airwaves, laugh in their face. Rupert Murdoch owns the airwaves. You own a Sony. Big difference."
"The only person in this country fired over terrorism after 9/11 was ME."
And lots more. It was a wonderful night. He came on half an hour late and only went about an hour and fifteen, which didn't make me very happy. But every damn thing he said made me VERY happy. The funniest, smartest comedian in the country. I wanted to see if he would come out after the show so I could try to meet him, but it looked unlikely, so I bailed. I had the perfect line for him. I figure if you're walking up to a comedian, who makes his living provoking people and trying to shock them out of their complacency, you might as well have a great opening line. Mine was "Hi Bill! I'm gay for you!" I thought that might work. Oh well, maybe next time.
His next HBO special is called I'm Swiss and is on in July. Real Time starts back up in August. I can't wait.
Dougie